My wife and son brought home some Pillsbury cookie dough sheets (see photo) but we’ve got a problem. Even though the packaging shows cookies with festive holiday shapes (“I want the ones shaped like Christmas trees,” my son says), the sheets are not pre-cut, and we don’t have cookie cutters. I say, “It looks like what you’re going to get are cookies shaped like rectangles.” Read more →
Author Archive: Paul Epps
I Went Deaf on Christmas Eve
I. At home I tell my son I’m going to the urgent care walk-in clinic. “What for?” he asks. “I want to find out why I’ve gone deaf in my left ear.” “You’ve got an ear infection,” he says. “I had one when I came back from Thailand. I was also coughing 24/7 so I had to take this insane cough syrup and ear infection pills.” “I’m not coughing 24/7. I’ve got a lot of congestion though.” “You’ll just get the ear infection pills then.” “When you took them, could you feel your ear canal cracking open? Man, that’s the best! It’s almost worth it to have a clogged passage just to feel it cracking open again.” “Yeah, but it takes a couple of days.” II. At the doctor’s office The nurse takes my blood pressure. “100 over 60,” she says. “Is that good?” I ask. (I already know it’s… Read more →
A Time to Worry
It was a weird day for dog walking. Just after Lightning had a run-in with a rottweiler, who fortunately turned out to be docile, we came upon a young man and what looked like his mom walking a pit bull. The woman said “Hold ‘im, Cody” to the kid in a chain-smoker voice and I veered Lightning in another direction. I wasn’t taking any chances because they looked exactly like the kind of people who’d own a violent pit bull. You’ve got Ma, the chain-smoking meth addict, and her boy Cody, the kid with the white trash name. Whenever I hear someone say “Hold ‘im, Cody” to a guy with a pit bull, I am outta there . . . Read more →
Mankind Is No Island
Below is a short film shot entirely on a cell phone. It uses an unusual technique — a very simple technique — to present a narrative without the use of an actual voiceover narration . . . Read more →
Career Advice
Via Presentation Zen: Read more →
Winter Haikus
Outside the window, snow, A woman in a hot bath Overflowing. — Nobuku Katsura See the river flow In a long unbroken line On the field of snow. — Boncho Confined within doors A priest is warming himself Burning a Buddha statue. — Natsume Soseki Through snow, Lights of homes That slammed their gates on me. — Buson Read more →
Overheard
Drummer Boy
My son had a drum set part in the Northwood Holiday Concert last night . . . Drum set parts are a showcase for high school percussionists because usually they stand at the back of the orchestra, the audience can’t actually see the instruments, and nobody knows what they’re doing. He told me after the concert that was the worst he’d ever played that song but it sounded great to me, maybe because I’m a parent . . . Read more →
How to Be a Good IT Customer
There’s a guy at work who tells me he’s the best IT customer in the organization. When I ask him why he’s the best IT customer, he says it’s because he understands that we in IT are very busy so he doesn’t bug us too much. That’s funny because the person I think is our best customer is just the opposite — she knows what she wants, and she doesn’t mind being difficult if it leads to better results. Yes we’re busy, but we’re trying to do this stuff as well as we can do it and it helps to get a sense from the customer that the work is important and that doing it well is worthwhile. Read more →
Pond Hockey
“I wish I could go back and be eight years old again for a couple days . . .” Read more →
The Bloody Olive: A Christmas Film Noir
Blago’s Football
This guy is beyond satire: [Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich] rarely turns up for work at his official state office in Chicago, former employees say, is unapologetically late to almost everything, and can treat employees with disdain, cursing and erupting in fury for failings as mundane as neglecting to have at hand at all times his preferred black Paul Mitchell hairbrush. He calls the brush “the football,” an allusion to the “nuclear football,” or the bomb codes never to be out of reach of a president. — International Herald Tribune Read more →
Stormy Weather
The first storm of the season is rolling through Southern California, which means it’s time to bring back the time-honored tradition of sending female TV reporters out to do live weather remotes. I saw a woman on TV this morning standing in a blizzard to tell me that it’s snowing in the Cajon Pass. Really?! It always snows in the Cajon Pass. She could have told me the same thing from inside a heated studio. Some day, one of these women is going to get pneumonia or frostbite and sue this whole sadistic practice out of existence . . . Read more →
Higher Education May Soon Be Unaffordable
The rising cost of college — even before the recession — threatens to put higher education out of reach for most Americans, according to the biennial report from the National Center for Public Policy and Higher Education. — NYTimes.com Good! Long overdue! There are way, way, way too many unqualified people getting college degrees. Higher education has been devalued to the point that you can’t swing a cat without knocking down some idiot with a graduate degree. Read more →
Time Management
DOGBERT (typing): “Always postpone meetings with time-wasting morons.” DILBERT (reading over his shoulder): How do you do that? DOGBERT: Can I get back to you on that? — Scott Adams Read more →
The Man Who Wasn’t There
I thought I saw one of the dads from my kid’s high school roller hockey team at L.A. Fitness this morning. He was riding a stationary bike and there was no way I could get where I wanted to go without walking past him. Great . . . now I’m going to have to take time out of my workout to acknowledge this guy and talk to him. I hate talking to people when I’m working out. That’s why I come in here at 5 in the morning — because it’s not crowded and I don’t have to talk to anybody. If this guy’s going to start coming in at 5 and I have to talk to him every morning — even if it’s just to say hello — I swear to Jesus I’m going to start coming in at 4. Thank god it wasn’t him after all . .… Read more →
A T-Shirt with a Gorilla on It
I took my boy to Souplantation for dinner after his hockey game. An Indian kid in the line across from us was wearing a t-shirt with a gorilla on it. “That Indian guy has a cool shirt,” my son said. “I’d rock that.” “I’d sport that,” he said. “I’d don that,” he said. “I’d . . .” “I get it. Now shut up so I can focus on my salad.” Read more →
I Didn’t Get a Pizza Square
The free sample stand at Trader Joe’s has pizza squares today. They look delicious! Unfortunately, there are only two left and just ahead of me is a woman with a toddler in her shopping cart. I’m thinking Just take one and leave one for me but no, she takes both, hands one to the toddler, who immediately drops it face down on the floor . . . Read more →
Best 10-Word Explanation of Why the Big 3 Bailout Should Die
We simply cannot ask the American taxpayer to subsidize failure. — Mitch McConnell Read more →
An African-American Name
My son needs an African-American name for a character he created in NFL Street. “How about Kareem of Wheat?” I suggest. He decides to go with Delondre McWreck . . . Read more →