I thought I saw one of the dads from my kid’s high school roller hockey team at L.A. Fitness this morning. He was riding a stationary bike and there was no way I could get where I wanted to go without walking past him. Great . . . now I’m going to have to take time out of my workout to acknowledge this guy and talk to him. I hate talking to people when I’m working out. That’s why I come in here at 5 in the morning — because it’s not crowded and I don’t have to talk to anybody. If this guy’s going to start coming in at 5 and I have to talk to him every morning — even if it’s just to say hello — I swear to Jesus I’m going to start coming in at 4. Thank god it wasn’t him after all . .… Read more →
Author Archive: Paul Epps
A T-Shirt with a Gorilla on It
I took my boy to Souplantation for dinner after his hockey game. An Indian kid in the line across from us was wearing a t-shirt with a gorilla on it. “That Indian guy has a cool shirt,” my son said. “I’d rock that.” “I’d sport that,” he said. “I’d don that,” he said. “I’d . . .” “I get it. Now shut up so I can focus on my salad.” Read more →
I Didn’t Get a Pizza Square
The free sample stand at Trader Joe’s has pizza squares today. They look delicious! Unfortunately, there are only two left and just ahead of me is a woman with a toddler in her shopping cart. I’m thinking Just take one and leave one for me but no, she takes both, hands one to the toddler, who immediately drops it face down on the floor . . . Read more →
Best 10-Word Explanation of Why the Big 3 Bailout Should Die
We simply cannot ask the American taxpayer to subsidize failure. — Mitch McConnell Read more →
An African-American Name
My son needs an African-American name for a character he created in NFL Street. “How about Kareem of Wheat?” I suggest. He decides to go with Delondre McWreck . . . Read more →
A Mixed Blessing
Reviewing the EppsNet balance sheet: investment accounts down, home equity down. My wife says at least we have our health. Even that’s a mixed blessing as my retirement planning currently includes dying young before the money runs out . . . Read more →
EppsNet Snack Bar Reviews: Planet Hockey
For some reason, they’ve stopped selling the chicken teriyaki bowls that used to be the highlight of my visits to this West Covina rink. I asked the woman at the counter about it and she couldn’t explain it. She was as dumbfounded as I was. I noticed that the new sausage, egg and cheese muffins were selling like hotcakes so I decided to try one of those. (Ironically, they have hotcakes on the menu and those weren’t selling at all.) The muffins were delicious — prepared fresh, not like the heat-lamped ones you get at a fast-food place — which sort of made up for the inexplicable discontinuation of the teriyaki bowls. Unfortunately, the soft pretzels were small and overcooked, and I had to deduct a star for that. Rating: Two stars (out of five). Read more →
Easily Annoyed
Someone asked me if getting easily annoyed with people makes her a bad person. No — you can be easily annoyed and still be a good person. In fact, I think being easily annoyed makes me a better person, because it forces those around me to improve. But seriously, it helps sometimes to remind myself that no matter how it looks, most people are trying to be helpful — in their own annoying way . . . Read more →
The Postman Always Rings Twice
“Earlier in this case, at a bail hearing, I said to Mr. Simpson, I didn’t know if he was arrogant, ignorant or both,” [District Judge Jackie] Glass said. “During the trial and through this proceeding, I got the answer, and it was both.” — CNN.com Read more →
Wife “Accidentally” Shot During Sex
SPRINGFIELD, Ohio — A Tri-State woman is in critical condition Wednesday after police say her husband shot her while they were having sex. — “Man Says Wife Was Accidentally Shot During Sex”, WLWT Cincinnati After you’ve been married for a while, you have to try new things in the bedroom to keep it interesting . . . Read more →
Movin’ On Up!
BOSTON (AP) — Paul Benedict, the actor who played the English neighbor Harry Bentley on the sitcom “The Jeffersons,” has died. He was 70. — Associated Press Read more →
A Tradition Returns
When I was growing up in Southern California, USC and UCLA both played home football games at the Coliseum. And every year, when the teams played each other, they both wore their home uniforms — the Trojans wore cardinal jerseys and the Bruins wore blue. That tradition ended in 1982, when UCLA began playing home games at the Rose Bowl, because NCAA rule 1-4-3-a states that “the visiting team shall wear white jerseys.” Twenty-six years later, the tradition returns. Pete Carroll announced today that when the Trojans come out of the locker room at the Rose Bowl this Saturday, they’ll be wearing cardinal jerseys, in violation of NCAA rule 1-4-3-a. They will then be assessed a penalty of one timeout per half. Wait, what — they lose two timeouts?! OMG, they might NEED those timeouts! Oh sure, USC is heavily favored but it’s a RIVALRY game! Throw the record books… Read more →
American Tune
Oh, and it’s all right, it’s all right, it’s all right You can’t be forever blessed Still, tomorrow’s going to be another working day And I’m trying to get some rest That’s all I’m trying To get some rest — Paul Simon, “American Tune” Read more →
Thinking About It
My son is stick-handling a hockey ball on the hardwood floor in the family room, when I notice a skate wrench lying on the table. I say, “Why don’t you put that skate wrench in your hockey bag?” “Okay,” he says. “Why don’t you do it now, while you’re thinking about it?” “Okay,” he says. A couple minutes later, when he’s still stick-handling and the wrench is still lying there, I say, “While you’re thinking about it, why don’t you put that skate wrench in your hockey bag?” “Okay,” he says. “That’s the third time you’ve said okay, and the wrench is still there.” “I’m still thinking about it.” Read more →
Stacking Plates is Woman’s Work
After Thanksgiving dinner, the hostess asked everyone to please stack their dishes and bring them into the kitchen. I started to stand up — not to stack dishes because my wife had already picked up my dishes — but just to stretch my legs, when my dad, who was sitting next to me, put his hand on my arm and whispered, “Don’t get up. That’s woman’s work.” I said, “I’m just getting up to stretch.” “Don’t move,” he said. My dad, like a lot of men his age, has old school views on gender roles. Earlier in the evening, my mom was saying she’d read that women control 60 percent of the wealth in America. “That’s all right,” my dad said, “because we control the women.” Compare that to one of my nephews, who says things like “I’m nobody’s patsy,” then turns to his wife and says, “Isn’t that right,… Read more →
I’ll Take a Pass on the ‘Master’ Chorale
My dad asked me at Thanksgiving dinner if I wanted to bring my family along to an L.A. Master Chorale concert that he and my mom and my sister are going to next month. Tickets range from $24 to $68. I said, “There isn’t really anyone at my house who’d enjoy that. We’re philistines. In fact, to be honest with you, I’d be more interested in watching American Idol. Now, I’ve never seen American Idol, but at least it’s free and I wouldn’t have to leave my house. “And what’s with calling yourself the ‘Master’ Chorale anyway? What hubris! Who gives themselves a title like that? ‘Listen to us! We’re the masters of choral music!’ Oh yeah? Why don’t you just sing something and let people decide for themselves what masters you are. “I mean, if you play third base, you don’t tell everyone what a great third baseman you… Read more →
Thanksgiving Pies
Pumpkin pie is my favorite Thanksgiving food, but for throwing in someone’s face, a cream pie becomes the preferred choice. The reason I mention that is that at the Thanksgiving family get-together, one of my nieces, age 19 or 20, announced that she’s always wanted to take a pie in the face. My ex-sister-in-law was more than happy to oblige and immediately started looking around to see what was available. Now a pretty girl taking a pie in the face is not only hilarious, it’s also — dare I say it — kinda hot. Am I right? So it was a real disappointment to find that the only pies available were mince, apple and pumpkin. No cream pies. Well, maybe next year . . . Read more →
Software Tips from Bjarne Stroustrup
Here are 38 tips from the designer of the C++ programming language. These in particular jumped out at me: [5] Don’t try technological fixes for sociological problems [8] Design processes to encourage feedback [9] Don’t confuse activity for progress [10] Don’t generalize beyond what is needed, what you have direct experience with, and what can be tested [19] Use existing systems as models, as inspiration, and as starting points [22] Design for change, focusing on flexibility, extensibility, portability, and reuse [27] Keep it small. Don’t add features “just in case” [29] Repeatedly review and refine both the design and the implementation [31] Experiment, analyse, and test as early as possible and as often as possible Read more →
Good Places for the Blues
Good places for the Blues: a. highway b. jailhouse c. empty bed d. bottom of a whiskey glass Bad places for the Blues: a. Nordstrom’s b. gallery openings c. Ivy League institutions d. golf courses — How to Sing the Blues Read more →