My son is stick-handling a hockey ball on the hardwood floor in the family room, when I notice a skate wrench lying on the table. I say, “Why don’t you put that skate wrench in your hockey bag?” “Okay,” he says. “Why don’t you do it now, while you’re thinking about it?” “Okay,” he says. A couple minutes later, when he’s still stick-handling and the wrench is still lying there, I say, “While you’re thinking about it, why don’t you put that skate wrench in your hockey bag?” “Okay,” he says. “That’s the third time you’ve said okay, and the wrench is still there.” “I’m still thinking about it.” Read more →
Author Archive: Paul Epps
Stacking Plates is Woman’s Work
After Thanksgiving dinner, the hostess asked everyone to please stack their dishes and bring them into the kitchen. I started to stand up — not to stack dishes because my wife had already picked up my dishes — but just to stretch my legs, when my dad, who was sitting next to me, put his hand on my arm and whispered, “Don’t get up. That’s woman’s work.” I said, “I’m just getting up to stretch.” “Don’t move,” he said. My dad, like a lot of men his age, has old school views on gender roles. Earlier in the evening, my mom was saying she’d read that women control 60 percent of the wealth in America. “That’s all right,” my dad said, “because we control the women.” Compare that to one of my nephews, who says things like “I’m nobody’s patsy,” then turns to his wife and says, “Isn’t that right,… Read more →
I’ll Take a Pass on the ‘Master’ Chorale
My dad asked me at Thanksgiving dinner if I wanted to bring my family along to an L.A. Master Chorale concert that he and my mom and my sister are going to next month. Tickets range from $24 to $68. I said, “There isn’t really anyone at my house who’d enjoy that. We’re philistines. In fact, to be honest with you, I’d be more interested in watching American Idol. Now, I’ve never seen American Idol, but at least it’s free and I wouldn’t have to leave my house. “And what’s with calling yourself the ‘Master’ Chorale anyway? What hubris! Who gives themselves a title like that? ‘Listen to us! We’re the masters of choral music!’ Oh yeah? Why don’t you just sing something and let people decide for themselves what masters you are. “I mean, if you play third base, you don’t tell everyone what a great third baseman you… Read more →
Thanksgiving Pies
Pumpkin pie is my favorite Thanksgiving food, but for throwing in someone’s face, a cream pie becomes the preferred choice. The reason I mention that is that at the Thanksgiving family get-together, one of my nieces, age 19 or 20, announced that she’s always wanted to take a pie in the face. My ex-sister-in-law was more than happy to oblige and immediately started looking around to see what was available. Now a pretty girl taking a pie in the face is not only hilarious, it’s also — dare I say it — kinda hot. Am I right? So it was a real disappointment to find that the only pies available were mince, apple and pumpkin. No cream pies. Well, maybe next year . . . Read more →
Software Tips from Bjarne Stroustrup
Here are 38 tips from the designer of the C++ programming language. These in particular jumped out at me: [5] Don’t try technological fixes for sociological problems [8] Design processes to encourage feedback [9] Don’t confuse activity for progress [10] Don’t generalize beyond what is needed, what you have direct experience with, and what can be tested [19] Use existing systems as models, as inspiration, and as starting points [22] Design for change, focusing on flexibility, extensibility, portability, and reuse [27] Keep it small. Don’t add features “just in case” [29] Repeatedly review and refine both the design and the implementation [31] Experiment, analyse, and test as early as possible and as often as possible Read more →
Good Places for the Blues
Good places for the Blues: a. highway b. jailhouse c. empty bed d. bottom of a whiskey glass Bad places for the Blues: a. Nordstrom’s b. gallery openings c. Ivy League institutions d. golf courses — How to Sing the Blues Read more →
Is That a Primate in Your Pocket? Etc.
A Handful of Editors
It used to be that a handful of editors could decide what was news–and what was not. They acted as sort of demigods. If they ran a story, it became news. If they ignored an event, it never happened. Today, editors are losing this power. The Internet, for example, provides access to thousands of new sources that cover things an editor might ignore. And if you aren’t satisfied with that, you can start up your own blog, and cover and comment on the news yourself. Journalists like to think of themselves as watchdogs, but they haven’t always responded well when the public calls them to account. A recent American study reported that many editors and reporters simply do not trust their readers to make good decisions. Let’s be clear about what this means. This is a polite way of saying that these editors and reporters think their readers are… Read more →
A Perfect Game
I was reading about a guy, 62 years old, been bowling in the same league for 45 years . . . he achieves his lifelong dream of bowling a perfect 300 game, and then, to make it even more perfect, immediately keels over and dies. What a way to go! It’s so important to die at the right time if you want to be remembered at your best. Actuarially speaking, 62 years is not a long lifespan. But let’s say the guy had lived another 20 years — he would have accomplished nothing and probably wasted away in an old-age home. Who wants to be remembered like that? Poor guy. Look at him. Would you believe that 20 years ago he bowled a perfect game? Read more →
Love in the Parking Lot
I stop the car to let a man and woman cross the parking lot in front of us. The man is fat and hairy. The woman is rubbing his neck affectionately. I say to my son, “That’s what I need is a woman who worships me, even if I’m a fat, hairy slob. Which I’m not, so I should get twice as much neck rubbing.” Read more →
Sting Operation
What a humanitarian! And what did he do next? Set them free? Free, free, set them free . . . Read more →
With Friends Like That . . .
Ouch! What did he do to people he didn’t like? Read more →
Design Breakthrough of the Week
I saw one of these upside-down bottles at Black Angus the other night . . . The frustrated diner battling a ketchup bottle is part of our cultural vocabulary, and the solution turns out to be as simple as turning the problem upside down!? I couldn’t decide if this was a stroke of brilliance or whether we’re all fools for not thinking of it decades ago . . . Read more →
Clothing-Optional Voting
LAND O’ LAKES, Fla. (AP) – A nudist community on Florida’s west coast wants to establish the first clothing-optional polling site. The Caliente Resorts, located in Pasco County north of Tampa, has approached election officials about the idea. — Breitbart.com Overheard at Florida’s clothing-optional polling place: Hey, Chad! How’s it hanging? Read more →
Autumn Haikus
Originally uploaded by ahp_ibanez On a withered bough A crow alone is perching, Autumn evening now. — Basho The wild geese take flight Low along the railroad tracks In the moonlit night. — Shiki Read more →
You’re Blocking My View of the Band!
The Handsome Men in Our Family
We’ve got plenty of mirrors in the house, but for some reason, our son has come into our room to comb his hair in our mirror . . . “What a handsome boy!” his mom says. I say, “Like his pappy.” “He’s got me in him too,” she says. “My dad was handsome. And my uncles are very handsome. You haven’t seen them.” I can’t resist mentioning that her brother, who I have seen, is anything but handsome. “I don’t know what happened to him,” she says. Read more →
No Accountability Without Volition
There is no accountability without volition, you’ve noticed, right? You can’t go “You got to ship that by November 1st and I am holding you accountable.” It doesn’t work that way. You can’t hold someone else accountable, you’ve got to hold yourself accountable. It’s just like you can’t motivate someone else; you got to motivate yourself. And the more that you motivate people and hold them accountable, the more infantile they become. — Jim McCarthy Read more →
We Are Not (Just) Nerds
One thing that I resent about our computer culture is that they say we are nerds and that nerds don’t get along with people. I think that’s just insane. We are not just nerds — we are nerds, I mean, look at us! But we are not just nerds, we are like the priests or something in the Middle Ages, we are the Lords and Ladies of Logic. We are in charge of rationality for our era. We are bringing common sense and good practice and sound judgment and aggregated wisdom and glory to everyone. That’s our job. — Jim McCarthy I posted this quote on a blog at work and IT people were calling each other nerds all day. Good morning, nerd! How’s it going, nerd? Being a nerd felt like, like being a hero — just for one day. Read more →
Happy Halloween
Halloween memories . . . Read more →