One of my co-workers came to the office today with an obvious hickey between her neck and shoulder, but she thought I was juvenile for noticing it. “How old are you again?” she asked. “Old enough to remember hickeys obviously.” “Don’t you mean ‘Not too old to have forgotten hickeys’? You think young people don’t know what hickeys are?” Maybe I should have said, “Old enough to remember when hickeys were a standard element of the teenage repertoire.” But actually, I don’t think kids know what hickeys are. I haven’t even heard the word “hickey” in years. I think hickeys, like plaid pants, are a relic of a bygone era. Girls are much more forward now, if the messages in my son’s yearbooks are any indication. If girls are offering oral sex in junior high school, what are you going to say? “Can I give you a hickey first”? P.S.… Read more →
Author Archive: Paul Epps
Plaid Pants
In the process of rearranging things in the house last weekend, my wife found a box of pictures of me as a boy and showed them to our son. “Dude, those were funny,” he says. “There’s one of you sitting on a motorcycle –” He makes an angry face and pantomimes driving a motorcycle. “Vroom! Vroom! And you’re wearing — ha, ha — you’re wearing a pair of –” Now he’s laughing so hard he can hardly talk, but he manages to spit out “– plaid pants!” before collapsing in a coughing, sputtering fit. I explain to him that plaid pants were popular in the 1970s. “Mom!” he yells downstairs. “Where’s that box of pictures of Dad?” “Under the desk in the den,” she yells back. “I’ve seen those pictures,” I say, “so if you’re planning to show them to me and laugh about it, you’re wasting your time.” “I’ve… Read more →
Father-Son Conversations
FATHER: Would you take out the trash please? SON: Are you KIDDING?! I’m doing homework! I’ll take out the trash if you read To Kill a Mockingbird and tell me what each chapter is about. FATHER: I’ve read To Kill a Mockingbird. You want to know what it’s about? ‘Racism is Bad.’ Now take out the garbage. SON: Mom said my dinner was going to be ready by now and she hasn’t even started cooking it yet. FATHER: You’re a big boy. Why don’t you make something yourself? SON: I’m really not happy with the service I’m receiving here. SON: So was Mom pretty horny when you first met her? FATHER: Oh Jesus . . . Read more →
A Subtle Reminder
I get a call at work from my wife, who says, “I logged on to the credit union web site and a message popped up and said ‘Happy Birthday!’” “Your birthday’s not till tomorrow.” “And I got a Happy Birthday email from Newport Lexus. Wasn’t that nice?” “It sure was.” “I hope people close to me don’t forget about it . . .” Read more →
Girls are a Distraction
My son’s looking forward to February when his braces come off . . . “Throw some Crest whitening strips on there and the sky’s the limit as far as girlfriends are concerned,” he says. “Girls are a distraction right now,” his mom says. “You need to focus on academics.” “Mom’s right,” I say. “Having a wife or a girlfriend is like taking a 5-year-old to the mall. You can’t go as fast as you want to because the 5-year-old can’t keep up the pace. And you’re not going to be able to accomplish the things you want to accomplish . . .” “Don’t give the boy a bad attitude,” she says. “. . . because the 5-year-old is . . .” “Whatever you’re going to say . . .” “. . . monopolizing your attention . . .” “. . . don’t say it.” “. . . with her juvenile… Read more →
Bad Dog
Originally uploaded by Bruno_Brujah Read more →
Noises Off
Fingernails on a chalkboard? Doesn’t bother me in the least. But I don’t like the sound of people chewing their food. Sometimes I have to remind people in my family to please chew with their mouth closed. Is that an unreasonable request? I wouldn’t think so . . . “The dog makes all kinds of noises. Why don’t you complain about that?” “The dog is an animal,” I explain very slowly. “I was thinking we could hold ourselves to a higher standard. Why don’t you take a crap on the parkway in front of someone’s house? The dog does it! It must be okay!” Read more →
Aloha, Gary
My wife tells me the Gary’s Island store in Newport Beach is going out of business. I hope it’s not true. It’s a great store, but I suppose in a down economy, high-end Hawaiian shirts are even more of a luxury item than usual . . . Read more →
PSAT Testing
I’m dropping my son off at the high school for PSAT testing this morning. We’re part of a huge, slow procession of cars moving into the school. My son’s yelling, “You people are all nerds for taking this test!” Then a note of realization: “But wait . . .” Read more →
The Audition
My son’s a percussionist in the Northwood High Wind Ensemble this year. It’s an advanced ensemble . . . he’s a sophomore and most of the kids in there are juniors and seniors. They had auditions last week for section leader. I asked him leading up to the auditions if he’d been practicing his audition pieces because I never heard him practicing anything. “I practice at school,” he said, “but my chances aren’t very good. There are some older kids who are better than me.” This kid drives me nuts sometimes with his low-key approach to things. My approach to an audition would have been very different. I would have practiced like a madman and showed up ready to kick some ass, because I’ve got zero self-confidence and I over-compensate in certain types of situations. Anyway, the results are now in and the boy made section leader after all. I… Read more →
Prop 8 Ramifications
My son asks how I’m voting on Proposition 8, so I tell him, “I’m not sure I really care that much one way or the other. The amazing thing to me is that same-sex couples actually want to get married. If I hadn’t been allowed to get married, I could have avoided a lot of problems. “On the other hand, if we get rid of the ‘one man, one woman’ requirement, I’m planning to turn the house into a polygamy compound with Lucy Liu and Scarlett Johanssen as my new wives. “Bad choices,” he says. “Who would you pick?” “Jessica Biel.” “Okay, we’ll get her too.” Read more →
The One Most Important Thing
The first rule of thumb I pull out of my hat for myself and for my clients is this. Before you start working every day ask yourself “What is the one most important thing I could do today?” This is different than what you have to do or what you should do. It is the most important thing you could do. The answer, if you think carefully, is usually something that requires courage and integrity and not a lot of time. For instance, resolving an ongoing issue with a coworker or talking to your boss about the future of your career or hiring a personal trainer. When you consider To Do lists, they are infinite. In other words, there is an infinite amount of stuff you could do. So the best leverage you can get is making sure you do the most important thing first. It seems to be a… Read more →
Cat and Dog
Originally uploaded by Menacing Buddha Read more →
Trained Dogs
When Righteous Kill came out recently, the build-up was that it featured Robert De Niro and Al Pacino, “the most acclaimed actors of our time.” So what’s the big hit at the box office? Beverly Hills Chihuahua, a talking dog movie. When you’re “the most acclaimed X of our time” and you can be replaced by a trained dog, you know you’re in a stupid profession. Read more →
Santa Ana Winds
There was a desert wind blowing that night. It was one of those hot dry Santa Anas that come down through the mountain passes and curl your hair and make your nerves jump and your skin itch. On nights like that every booze party ends in a fight. Meek little wives feel the edge of the carving knife and study their husbands’ necks. Anything can happen. You can even get a full glass of beer at a cocktail lounge. — Raymond Chandler, “Red Wind” Read more →
They Grow Up Fast
My wife comes home with a new Tommy Bahama shirt for me — 60 percent off — “but they didn’t have anything for kids,” she explains to our son, who’s now 15 years old. “Ummm, I wear the same size as Dad,” he points out. Read more →
Hockey Moms vs. Soccer Moms
Hockey moms are pit bulls with lipstick. Soccer moms are cat burglars . . . Read more →
Another Reason I Like to Just Stay Home
Nigeria Rules
You may be thinking “Nigeria Rules” now, dude, but wait till all 86 of your wives have PMS at the same time . . . Read more →
Free Advice
At age 18, people care very much about what others think of them. By age 40, they learn not to worry what others think. By age 60, they figure out that no one was thinking about them in the first place. — Daniel Amen, M.D. I’ve messed up so many times because I was worried what other people would think of me. You’re perfect the way you are. The worst thing you can do is try to be what you think other people think you should be . . . Read more →