I suppose there’s a part of me that still wants the girl in the fishbowl sunglasses and Ramones T-shirt she got from an eBay vendor to invite me to a roof-deck party where a DJ is remixing music that I never heard originally, if for no other reason than it would somehow signify that the faint bags I’m beginning to notice under my eyes even after a good night’s sleep are imaginary. But they aren’t. — Jason Roeder Read more →
Author Archive: Paul Epps
Who Says Creativity is Dead in Tinseltown?
It was a sickness: this great interest in a medium that relentlessly and consistently failed to produce anything at all. People became so used to seeing shit on film that they no longer realized it was shit. — Charles Bukowski, Hollywood I keep seeing commercials during the NBA Finals for The Incredible Hulk. Wasn’t there an Incredible Hulk movie out just a few years ago? Why do we have to keep making Incredible Hulk movies? Way to reach for the stars, thespians. Shit . . . Read more →
The Price of Gas
I can remember the first time I paid $20 for a tank of gas. I can remember the first time I paid $30. And $40. But I’ve recently blown through the $50, $60 and $70 barriers so fast that they don’t even seem like milestones anymore . . . Read more →
The Boneheads Who Camp Out for Apple WWDC
Our motto is “Think Different.” Not “Stand in line like a bunch of friggin sheep.” — Fake Steve Jobs Read more →
Overheard
Related Links Whistle disparity in Game 2 leaves Lakers feeling foul — ESPN.com Read more →
A 9th Grader Reviews the World Literature Canon
For his English class this year, my son read Antigone, A Doll’s House, Romeo and Juliet, Things Fall Apart, and just finished All Quiet on the Western Front. “Everybody died,” he said. “I knew that was going to happen. All the books we read this year, everybody died. Except A Doll’s House, and that sucked more than kids in a lollipop factory.” Read more →
What is a Trans Fat?
According to the Krispy Kreme box on the receptionist’s desk this morning, they’re now making their doughnuts with zero trans fats. I read the other day that McDonald’s is serving zero trans fat french fries. What the heck is a trans fat anyway? This has got to be the biggest nutritional scam in history. Everyone’s advertising “zero trans fats” and yet I look around and people are fatter than ever, because this trans fat scam lets them convince themselves that eating french fries and doughnuts is actually healthy . . . No trans fats in the doughnuts?! In that case, I’ll eat six of them! Read more →
A Wish Come True
I have always wished that my computer would be as easy to use as my telephone. My wish has come true. I no longer know how to use my telephone. — Bjarne Stroustrup, creator of C++ Read more →
Leading Horses to Water
Here’s an idea: Try leading a thirsty horse to water and see what it does. If the horse is tired, lead it to shade and a soft place to lie down. If the horse is hungry, offer it hay and oats. If the horse doesn’t need anything, maybe leave it alone. — Dale Emery Read more →
It’s Not Easy Being Green
“If we shortened our showers by one minute, we’d save $100 a year,” my son informs me, pausing for a moment to let the news sink in. “And if we shortened our showers by two minutes, we’d save $200 a year. If we didn’t take showers at all, we could be rich! “As for the AC, we leave it off and everybody gets one of those personal fans and points it at their face.” “Why don’t we get the old-fashioned fold-out fans and wave them back and forth?” I ask. “Now that’s just stupid,” he says. Read more →
Scrum Doesn’t Do Anything
In the end it doesn’t matter what names you use for your processes, good people will do good work and continuously improve what they do. So much of the discussion around Lean versus Scrum (etc.) is about marketing hype, selling consulting and training services, and cornering the market with new name-brands. . . . Scrum is not a methodology, it is not a process. It is a simple framework underpinned by some common sense principles. Scrum offers individuals and organizations the opportunity to continuously improve the way they work. It provides a space for people to behave like human beings, with trust, respect and passion. That’s about it. But that is huge. — Tobias Mayer Read more →
More Words and Phrases I’m Sick Unto Death Of
Serial Entrepreneur — I hope there’s a special place in hell for people who refer to themselves as “serial entrepreneurs.” What the heck is the difference between an entrepreneur and a serial entrepreneur? I suppose Bill Gates is an entrepreneur and e.e. cummings’ Uncle Sol was a serial entrepreneur — farmer, chicken farmer, skunk farmer, worm farmer. Length — For some reason, people who talk about basketball now describe players as having “great length.” Nobody says, “He’s very tall.” They say, “He’s got great length.” News flash: People don’t have length. They have height. They even have width. But they don’t have length — except at birth and shortly thereafter, when we measure them lying down because they can’t stand up yet. Describing a basketball player as having “great length” is as uninformative as saying, “He’s a tall black guy with long arms.” Read more →
Hockey Practice
I was watching my son’s roller hockey practice last weekend . . . during a scrimmage, he skated the puck up the rink, faked the goalie to the right, then snapped a shot into the top left corner of the net. “Oh my gosh!” I yelled to anyone within earshot. “Just like I taught him!” A few minutes later, he got a pass in front of the net and one-timed it so high and hard that if not for the protective netting around the top of the rink, I don’t know where it would have come down. “I didn’t teach him that,” I said. Read more →
Go Ask Alice
One pill makes you larger . . . A musclehead co-worker is talking to someone on the phone about nutritional supplements: “It changes the metabolism of the . . . en-DOC-rine? . . . EN-do-CREEN? . . . system, so it releases more testosterone.” Yeah, you should definitely take some of that. A product that claims to alter the function of bodily organs you can’t even pronounce. What could possibly go wrong? In fact, you should go to the vitamin store right now and just gobble up everything they’ve got. Did you ever read Alice in Wonderland? She finds a cake that says EAT ME so she eats it. Next thing you know she’s nine feet tall. Draw your own parallels . . . Read more →
Political Analysis from a 9th Grader
“It’s too bad Hillary Rodham Clinton’s name isn’t Hillary Rodman Clinton,” my son says. “Maybe she could rebound from her current situation.” Read more →
Scrum Cheat Sheet
Read this doc on Scribd: Scrum Cheat Sheet Read more →
The Secret of All Secrets
I am letting you into the secret of all secrets, mirrors are gates through which death comes and goes. Moreover if you see your whole life in a mirror you will see death at work as you see bees behind the glass in a hive. — Jean Cocteau, Orphée Read more →
Political Season
How small of all that human hearts endure That part which laws or kings can cause or cure. — Samuel Johnson Read more →
People Who Bear Watching
Anyone with a stock over-amped response to a question about how they’re doing, e.g., “FAN-TASTIC!” or “I’m terrrrrrrr-IF-ic!” Especially if accompanied by a gesture, like an arm-swinging fist pump . . . Read more →
Cool Gadgets You Can’t Get
His mom and I are trying to get the boy to log off the computer and go to bed. “Hang on,” he says, “I’m looking at a PC World thing.” “What is it?” I ask. “’10 Cool Gadgets You Can’t Get in the U.S.’” “If you can’t get them in the U.S., what do you care?” “They’re cool. Don’t forget about that part.” His mom is running out of patience. “Oh, am I steaming,” she says. The boy’s still looking at the computer. “Mmmm . . . cool,” he says. Read more →