We finally caved in and got my son a new cell phone. The one he had was a very old model where you had to pull the antenna up manually. He used to say things like, “This phone must have been invented by a primitive Stone Age family. ‘Hey, Barney! Come here and look at this new communication device I invented!’” “Actually, the Flintstones were a modern Stone Age family,” I reminded him. “Then it was invented by a normal Stone Age family. Fred Flintstone probably used it as a backup to his regular phone, which was a bird, or a rock with a hole in it.” On the plus side — and this was sort of an unintentional stroke of genius on my part — he didn’t rack up a lot of minutes on the old phone because he was ashamed to be seen with it. Read more →
Author Archive: Paul Epps
Sweet Land of Liberty
What do we mean when we say that first of all we seek liberty? I often wonder whether we do not rest our hopes too much upon constitutions, upon laws and upon courts. These are false hopes; believe me, these are false hopes. Liberty lies in the hearts of men and women; when it dies there, no constitution, no law, no court can save it. — Learned Hand Read more →
Shibboleths
And the Gileadites took the passages of Jordan before the Ephraimites: and it was so, that when those Ephraimites which were escaped said, Let me go over; that the men of Gilead said unto him, Art thou an Ephraimite? If he said, Nay; Then said they unto him, Say now Shibboleth: and he said Sibboleth: for he could not frame to pronounce it right. Then they took him, and slew him at the passages of Jordan: and there fell at that time of the Ephraimites forty and two thousand. — Judges 12:5-6 Thus the original meaning of the word “shibboleth”: a password that people from one side can pronounce but their enemies can’t. The word has since taken on a more general meaning as not necessarily a password, but a custom or practice that separates the good guys from the bad guys, the insiders from the outsiders. Read more →
Whatever Happened to Love?
In the old days, greed and covetousness were seen as sinful; now they are encouraged. Jack Welch’s Winning sets the tone. The author grins manically from the cover – despite the silver hair, manicured nails and perfect teeth, he looks like Beelzebub incarnate. But why is “winning” so great? Because, says Welch, it enables people to make lots of money which . . . erm . . . enables them to “get better healthcare, buy vacation homes, and secure a comfortable retirement”. That’s it. Those are the three goals of our mortal existence, otherwise known as more pills, more mortgages and more burglar alarms. Whatever happened to joy, pleasure, brotherhood? Whatever happened to enjoying life? Whatever happened to creativity? Whatever happened to love? — Tom Hodgkinson Read more →
You Remind Me of Superman
A guy at work — let’s call him “Steve” — has been wearing what looks like the same shirt, shorts and sandals for weeks. Another coworker says to “Steve”: “These new Superman ads remind me of you. He wears the same friggin’ outfit every day too.” Read more →
Conversations With My Wife
My wife calls me at work. “How do you spell ‘Casablanca’? she asks. “Like the movie.” “C-a-s-a-b-l-a-n-c-a.” “I am so good!” she says. “I just need more self-confidence.” Read more →
Respect the Classics, Man: No Silver Bullet
This essay by Turing Award-winner Fred Brooks is almost 20 years old now. Sadly, the ideas on incremental development are still considered outside the mainstream in IT, which continues to favor the widely-discredited waterfall approach. Read more →
Is Soccer a True Sport? Discuss.
A true sport is where athletes get broken legs and limp gamely off the field. A phony baloney sport is where athletes skin their knees and fall down, waving their arms as if they’ve been stabbed, and flop around like fish on a boat deck. — Jim Bouton Read more →
Nobody Likes Us
The educated coastal public thinks that evangelical Christianity is America’s number one religion. They are wrong. It is the Worship of Unearned Riches, and Las Vegas is its holy city. The belief that it is possible to get something for nothing is more potent in our land than the belief that the Son of God will return to rescue mankind. The Religion of Unearned Riches was established here in the desert by organized crime. It has turned us into a nation of slobs, clowns, patsies, and cravens. Las Vegas is what we have become. Is it any wonder that the rest of the world despises us? — James Howard Kuntsler I live a few hours’ drive from Las Vegas. I share the author’s contempt for the place, right up until the last sentence where he suggests that there’s something uniquely American about irrational greed. Other countries don’t have casinos and… Read more →
Why You’re Not Losing Weight
Souplantation is our favorite family restaurant, but it really does give me the creeps watching fat people at all-you-can-eat buffets. Tonight there’s a fat guy plodding through the bakery section, loading up on pizza, muffins, etc. He takes one of everything, except the things he takes two of. An obese woman decides that the bowls provided at the dessert bar aren’t big enough, so she brings over a soup tureen and loads it up with frozen yogurt, before slathering on the chocolate chips, peanuts and syrup. Have you ever wondered why fat people are fat? Neither have I. But for everyone who’s ever said, “I don’t know why I can’t lose weight,” it’s because you’re eating everything that’s not nailed down. Read more →
Thomas Mann: Patron Saint of Bloggers
In the case of Mann and his diaries, what strikes one most is that he obviously felt that absolutely everything that happened to him was worthy of being recorded. . . . [The diaries] give the impression that Mann was thinking ahead to a studious future which would exclaim after each entry: ‘Good heavens, so that was the day when the Great Man wrote such and such a page of The Holy Sinner and then, the following night, read some verses by Heine, that is so revealing!’ — Javier Marias, Written Lives Read more →
Glass Houses, Stones, Etc.
Antonio Villaraigosa, UCLA graduate and mayor of Los Angeles, gave a commencement speech at USC last month, at which time USC generously awarded him an honorary doctorate. This week, Villaraigosa delivered a commencement speech at UCLA, in which he made the point that UCLA, unlike USC, does not confer honorary degrees. “You’ve got to earn your diploma from UCLA!” he said. HA HA HA! Good one, Mr. Mayor! Why don’t you go flunk the bar exam a few more times, genius? They don’t give that away either. Read more →
What is Life?
My wife, a non-native English speaker, is explaining her philosophy to me . . . “Life is a journal,” she says. “It is?” “You take a trip,” she says. Read more →
This Just In
Avoid swimming in sewer overflow — Houston Chronicle headline Read more →
Cut and Jog
Congressional Democrats, hoping to bridge party divides before the important midterm elections, have decided to call for withdrawal, sort of, but not really, from Iraq, as soon as possible, or maybe after we win, which we will, but maybe not. They are calling for a Senate vote on an as-of-yet imaginary bill that may or may not request politely that American troops start leaving Iraq this year, or at least consider it very strongly. The Senate proposal, a nonbinding resolution, calls on Americans to please please please vote for Democrats. It also has the same old bullshit about troop-supporting. — Wonkette Read more →
iCasey
Every time one of those iPod silhouette ads comes on, my son asks can we make something like that with him in it. This weekend we tried it with Paint Shop Pro and this is the result (click to enlarge). Read more →
Father’s Day Secrets
Via PostSecret. Read more →
Father’s Day Poems
“The Gift” by Li-Young Lee To pull the metal splinter from my palm my father recited a story in a low voice. [Read more . . .] “Those Winter Sundays” by Robert Hayden Sundays too my father got up early and put his clothes on in the blueblack cold [Read more . . .] “In Dreams” by Kim Addonizio After eighteen years there’s no real grief left for the man who was my father. [Read more . . .] Read more →
The Captain Explains His Strategy
My son’s doing a team project in 7th grade social studies. He was selected as team captain, and he’s explaining his strategy to me: “For each part of the project, we try to have a good guy paired with an off-task guy,” he says. “Or actually, I secretly tried to do that because I’m the captain. The worst guy on the team is Kevin. Whenever he asks, “Why do we have to do it this way?” I ask him, “Why are you getting a C in this class?” I say, “Wow, that’s pretty harsh.” “I’m trying to make a point that if we do it his way, we’re going to get a bad grade. That’s why I was nominated as captain.” Read more →
What Makes Women Happy?
It’s not so much that [women] have to make a million choices; more that, having chosen, we are haunted by the possibility that our choices might be wrong. If we stay at home to care for our children, we worry about wasting education and dissipating talent and that no one takes us seriously. If we commit ourselves to careers, we’re tormented that our children are suffering because we’re not there to help them learn to read and we’re late for the nativity play. As a result, we frequently try to avoid choosing at all, as if it might be possible somehow to have a full-time job, and children, and a good relationship, and friends, and a tidy house, and be thin, and wear the right clothes, and eat in the right restaurants, and possibly be having a really sexy affair as well, complete with suitable underwear… the more we achieve,… Read more →