Author Archive: Paul Epps

Caulfield on Books

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What I like best is a book that’s at least funny once in a while. … What really knocks me out is a book that, when you’re all done reading it, you wish the author that wrote it was a terrific friend of yours and you could call him up on the phone whenever you felt like it. That doesn’t happen much, though. — J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye Read more →

Zero-Tolerance Watch

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My son informs me that we have to buy one of those old-fashioned telescoping pointers because he needs it for a presentation at school. “Can you use a laser pointer?” I ask. “Because we actually have one of those.” “They’re not allowed at school,” he says. Read more →

Best Place to Hide an International Thug?

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UNITED NATIONS, May 19 — A U.N. anti-torture panel Friday called on the United States to close its prison for terrorism suspects at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, to expressly ban controversial interrogation techniques, and to halt the transfer of detainees to countries with a history of abuse and torture. — The Washington Post Meanwhile, U.S. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said the Pentagon is considering a plan to transfer its 460 ‘Gitmo’ detainees to the U.N., “where a group of international thugs, still awaiting charges, would not attract so much attention.” — ScrappleFace Read more →

Antipattern: Bore People to Death With Your Job Ads

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A common piece of advice to job seekers is: Don’t focus your resume and cover letter on what you want; focus on how you offer what the hiring company wants. This advice also applies in reverse to a hiring company writing a job ad, but in practice, it’s almost never followed, which is why this ad for a position at the Irvine Public Schools Foundation (IPSF) jumped out at me: Read more →

Meet my New Stockbroker

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I’m looking at my brokerage account on the laptop, with my son, age 12, watching over my shoulder. “I know your account number,” he says, reading it off the screen. “I’m not sure how that’s going to help you,” I say. “I can hack in and trade stocks,” he says. “‘It’s going up! SELL! SELL! SELL! SELL! SELL! Now it’s going down! BUY! BUY! BUY! BUY! BUY! It’s going down some more! SELL! SELL! SELL! SELL! SELL!’ It’s a trading frenzy! . . .” Read more →

The Cat in the Hat as a Management Consultant

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This little tale, which appears to be a book for children, is actually a clever evocation of what happens to a corporation when a management consultant is hired by absent, clueless senior management to evaluate its organizational structure and to effect change. Beginning slowly, the Cat proceeds to take everything apart, make a total mess and get everybody in potentially the worst trouble in the world — all at no personal cost to itself. By the time the Cat leaves, it has frightened everybody, and very little has changed except the mind-set of the protagonists, which has been forever disrupted and rattled. — Stanley Bing, reviewing The Cat in the Hat Read more →

Better, Faster and Cheaper?

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Somehow we’ve got it in our heads that every programmer in India is good, fast, and cheap, and every programmer in the United States is lousy, slow, and expensive. My theory is that for version 1.0 of a product, the maximum allowable distance between the engineers and marketers is thirty feet. — Guy Kawasaki Read more →

My Hair is Too Short

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The girl at Fantastic Sam’s cut my hair too short. She was telling me about a car accident she had yesterday and I asked her, “Were you drunk at the time?” “In the morning?!” she yelled. “Hel-lo!? I was drinking coffee!” O-kay, like, overreaction! Probably in major denial mode, and does in fact have a serious drinking problem. And like I said, she took it out on my hair. Read more →

I Made a Mistake on the Hockey Jerseys

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OK, I made a mistake on the hockey jerseys . . . My son’s playing on a new team this season so I had to order new jerseys for him. They asked me what name I wanted to put on the back and I don’t know why, but I gave his first name instead of his last name. It’s the only thing he talked about all weekend. “I had my first name on my jersey in second grade!” he said. (He’s in seventh now.) “Does Steve Yzerman have ‘Steve’” — he draws out the “e” sound to make it sound extra ridiculous — “on the back of his jersey? NO! ‘GOAL, NUMBER 19! STEEEEVE!’” Every time I tried to talk to him about something else, he’d look at me with a goofy blank stare on his face. “Did you understand what I just said?” I’d ask. “Does Teemu Selanne have… Read more →

Private Military Companies Better Than the UN?

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As the international community dithers over Darfur, private military companies say they’ve got what it takes to stop the carnage, if only someone would hire them. — The Boston Globe Why is that not a good idea? Could they possibly do a worse job than the UN? OK, you could raise objections regarding accountability and the responsibility of the international community, but . . . ”This came up a long time ago. People were saying that if we use private sector in the Congo, the international community will never get its act together,” says industry spokesman Doug Brooks. ”But that was 3 million dead Congolese ago. The international community isn’t going to wake up no matter how many people you kill. I think that it would be a good idea for the international community to get its act together. But we’ve got to find another way.” Read more →

How Homework Gets Done at My House

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My son’s reading Catherine, Called Birdy for his 7th grade Language Arts class. The book is set in medieval England and written in the form of a 14-year-old girl’s diary. “It’s got no theme, no plot, no flow, no fun, no nothing!” the boy says. “It’s gay!” I sympathize with him — it reads like a 13th century MySpace blog — but that doesn’t change the fact that he has to read it. “I refuse to read this book!” he says. “You can’t,” his mom replies. “I have a restraining order! Catherine has to stay 10 feet away from me.” And he tosses the book into the middle of the living room. I look over at my wife . . . her eyes are now closed and she’s biting on her lower lip, accompanied by a slow, dramatic intake of breath, all of which suggests that clowntime is just about… Read more →

Sun Microsystems Circles the Drain

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Sun Microsystems Inc. said co-founder Scott McNealy will give up the job of chief executive to the No. 2 person at the company, Jonathan Schwartz, a historic transition for a computer maker facing stiff pressure to cut costs and boost revenue. — The Wall Street Journal So long, funny man! Read more →

World of Warcraft

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My kid’s explaining World of Warcraft to me . . . if I understand it correctly, it’s like an old-fashioned game of Capture the Flag, but with some killing. And yet as I’m watching him play it, it looks more like World of Running Pointlessly Through a Forest. There’s no warcraft, no nothing. “Dude,” he says, “that’s because I’m at Level 6. When you get to, like, Level 19, there’s more warfare.” “Maybe it should be called World of Jogging Aimlessly Through the Fields Picking Flowers Like a Girl Until You Get to Level 19,” I suggest. “You don’t pick flowers, stupid. You quest.” Read more →

Card Games You Can Play With One Card

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My kid had a deck of cards in my car last night and lost the king of hearts. Today, he searched the car and found it, but in the meantime, he’s lost the rest of the deck. “Know any card games you can play with one card?” he asks. “How about Go Fish? ‘Got any kings?’ ‘Crap!’” Read more →

Kids Say the Darnedest Things

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One of my son’s friends is over and all of a sudden he says out of nowhere, to no one in particular: “Kids say the darnedest things!” “They certainly do!” I say. “I wish they’d knock that off. In fact, at the top of my list of kids who say the darndest things and should really just shut up is you.” Read more →

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