A fellow parent at hockey practice asks me, “Does your son lace up his own skates?” Read more →
Author Archive: Paul Epps
A USC Man Looks at UCLA Football
A crazy thing happened after this year’s USC-UCLA football game . . . because the Bruins were able to keep the score close for the first time in years, UCLA coach Karl Dorrell was rewarded with a two-year contract extension. Read more →
A Pretty Good One-Sentence Analysis of Blogs
True believers of one stripe or another, no longer content to merely bore spouses and neighbors with their nutty opinions, can now spew forth on their own blogs, thereby playing a pivotal role in creating the polarized climate that dominates debate on nearly every national issue. — Randell Beck Read more →
Use the Database
It seems like a shame to have to even talk about this, but I really have found myself having way too many discussions over the years about how to avoid the use of relational databases. Today we were talking about replacing database reads and writes in a system design with file system access, XML, just floating the data around in memory, or some combination of the above. “What time of day will this system be running?” the DBA asked. “During business hours.” That’s right! We’re actually planning to do a database write in the middle of the workday! Why the thought of doing this freaks people out to the degree that it does is something I’ve never been able to figure out, but there’s an idea that persists among the less educated that read-only production access during the business day will max out an RDBMS. Look . . . a… Read more →
Christmas at the Office
I’m in receipt of the following “Secret Santa” email: Please come by my desk to pick a name. Then go buy (and wrap) a new toy that represents that person. Humor is the key here! Get creative and have fun! We’ll open the toys, have a laugh with each recipient, and then donate the toys to charity. Translation: Buy something that confirms the recipient’s worst suspicions about what people really think of him (or her), and then we’ll all go home and hang ourselves. Read more →
I Don’t Feel Good
James Brown has prostate cancer — CNN.com Read more →
Something I Learned Today
There’s a good Chinese restaurant in Orange called Yen Ching. The last four digits of the phone number are 3300. If you make a mistake and dial 3000, you’ll get Children’s Hospital, also in Orange, but they won’t take a dinner reservation. Read more →
Today’s Text
‘There are forces, Lucius, infinitely more powerful than reason and science.’ ‘Which?’ ‘Ignorance and madness.’ — Anatole France, Thaïs Read more →
Things NOT to Do in North Korea
Ask why Kim Jong Il is the only fat man in the country Read more →
Pilot Season
Ignore the rumors. L.A. does have four seasons: earthquake season, fire season, riot season, and the most ravaging — pilot season. Network TV keeps groping to win over an America it despises — a viewing public it sees as a blurry, fat, brainless blob of uninsured, Hemi-powered, God-fearing Wal-Mart clerks. — Peter Mehlman Read more →
Great Moments in Parenting
Here’s a father-son moment I hope to avoid — telling a jury what a good boy he was during the penalty phase of his murder trial. Read more →
A Joke I Learned in Traffic School
A guy is driving to work one morning. He turns on the radio and the announcer says, “Be careful out there. Somebody’s on the freeway driving the wrong way.” “Somebody!?” the guy says. “They’re all driving the wrong way.” Read more →
The Great Ones
From Wikipedia: List of people known as The Great Read more →
Bird Teams
It’s getting hard to find a restaurant without a TV set anymore. Evidently, Americans don’t like to leave home if it means being away from television, even for an hour or so. Read more →
His Master’s Voice
My wife is making noises about getting rid of the dog, because we just moved into a new house and he’s making a mess of it. He’s not doing anything bad, it’s just that normal canine activity puts some wear and tear on a place, which is why I said don’t get a dog in the first place. Read more →
Ancient History as Told by a 6th Grader Who Watches Too Much SportsCenter
Hammerin’ Hank Hammurabi here, bringing you today’s Peloponnesian League matchup between the Akkadians and the Assyrians. Sargon the Great gives the Assyrians some much-needed leadership . . . Read more →
The Greatest Legend of All Was Real
And his hair was perfect! Read more →
Worse Than it Looks
I noticed a few days ago that a map of the recent election results shows Democratic voters relegated to the fringes of the country. It turns out that if you look at an election map by county rather than by state, the situation becomes even more extreme, and even the blue (Democratic) states turn mostly red. A coworker of mine refers to Republicans, somewhat derisively, as “Bible Belt” voters. If that’s true, then — as you can see from the map — the Bible Belt now runs from the Hudson River to the Hollywood Freeway. Read more →
Who Wants Chili?
I’m making chili for dinner . . . “I don’t like chili,” the boy says. “Good. That means there’ll be more for me and Lightning.” “You’re giving chili to the dog?!” “And since I’m not giving any to Lightning, that means there’ll be more for me . . .” Read more →
Homework Follies
My son takes a break from his social studies worksheet to explain his new system for organizing homework assignments. “I write everything down in my organizer, then I draw a happy face next to the easy assignments, a sad face next to the hard ones, and a sad face with tears next to the ridiculous ones.” “What kind of a face did you put next to that social studies assignment?” I ask. “Sad face. I should have put one tear. I gave reading comprehension two tears.” “Have you ever had an assignment where you put a sad face with tears showering from both eyes?” “I just started the system today.” Read more →