Ask why Kim Jong Il is the only fat man in the country Read more →
Author Archive: Paul Epps
Pilot Season
Ignore the rumors. L.A. does have four seasons: earthquake season, fire season, riot season, and the most ravaging — pilot season. Network TV keeps groping to win over an America it despises — a viewing public it sees as a blurry, fat, brainless blob of uninsured, Hemi-powered, God-fearing Wal-Mart clerks. — Peter Mehlman Read more →
Great Moments in Parenting
Here’s a father-son moment I hope to avoid — telling a jury what a good boy he was during the penalty phase of his murder trial. Read more →
A Joke I Learned in Traffic School
A guy is driving to work one morning. He turns on the radio and the announcer says, “Be careful out there. Somebody’s on the freeway driving the wrong way.” “Somebody!?” the guy says. “They’re all driving the wrong way.” Read more →
The Great Ones
From Wikipedia: List of people known as The Great Read more →
Bird Teams
It’s getting hard to find a restaurant without a TV set anymore. Evidently, Americans don’t like to leave home if it means being away from television, even for an hour or so. Read more →
His Master’s Voice
My wife is making noises about getting rid of the dog, because we just moved into a new house and he’s making a mess of it. He’s not doing anything bad, it’s just that normal canine activity puts some wear and tear on a place, which is why I said don’t get a dog in the first place. Read more →
Ancient History as Told by a 6th Grader Who Watches Too Much SportsCenter
Hammerin’ Hank Hammurabi here, bringing you today’s Peloponnesian League matchup between the Akkadians and the Assyrians. Sargon the Great gives the Assyrians some much-needed leadership . . . Read more →
The Greatest Legend of All Was Real
And his hair was perfect! Read more →
Worse Than it Looks
I noticed a few days ago that a map of the recent election results shows Democratic voters relegated to the fringes of the country. It turns out that if you look at an election map by county rather than by state, the situation becomes even more extreme, and even the blue (Democratic) states turn mostly red. A coworker of mine refers to Republicans, somewhat derisively, as “Bible Belt” voters. If that’s true, then — as you can see from the map — the Bible Belt now runs from the Hudson River to the Hollywood Freeway. Read more →
Who Wants Chili?
I’m making chili for dinner . . . “I don’t like chili,” the boy says. “Good. That means there’ll be more for me and Lightning.” “You’re giving chili to the dog?!” “And since I’m not giving any to Lightning, that means there’ll be more for me . . .” Read more →
Homework Follies
My son takes a break from his social studies worksheet to explain his new system for organizing homework assignments. “I write everything down in my organizer, then I draw a happy face next to the easy assignments, a sad face next to the hard ones, and a sad face with tears next to the ridiculous ones.” “What kind of a face did you put next to that social studies assignment?” I ask. “Sad face. I should have put one tear. I gave reading comprehension two tears.” “Have you ever had an assignment where you put a sad face with tears showering from both eyes?” “I just started the system today.” Read more →
Le Hamster est Mort
Bowser died today. Or, maybe, yesterday; I can’t be sure. (French literature buffs are screaming with laughter right now. Trust me.) I feel bad that we didn’t pay as much attention to him after we got the dog, but I guess that’s why pugs cost $1,000 and hamsters cost six bucks. Read more →
Election Wrapup
It might have been fun watching a talking tree lead the country for a few years, were it not for the small matter of the war for civilization, and the fact that you don’t want a president who’s determined to lose it. It’s interesting, in looking at a map of the results, to see that there’s a huge block of red (Republican) states starting from Florida, going most of the way up the eastern seaboard, and then sweeping west all the way to Nevada, leaving a few pockets of confused people on the fringes — geographically and otherwise — who are completely out of touch with the rest of the country. Unfortunately, this includes my home state of California . . . Read more →
Happy Halloween
I look forward to taking my son out trick-or-treating every year. I have lots of Halloween memories, mostly happy, some sad . . . One year — he was in kindergarten or 1st grade, I can’t remember which — I took him out and he was so excited, running from house to house . . . As he was running back from one house, he slipped and fell right in front of a group of older kids. They were very nice, helped him up, asked if he was okay, which he was, but it really demoralized him. A couple of houses later, he said he wanted to go home. I asked him if he felt bad about falling down in front of everybody and he said no, he was just tired and wanted to go home. So I took him home. He’s 11 now and tonight he and his friends… Read more →
Quote of the Day
I got a rock. — Charlie Brown Read more →
Fight On!
My son and I went to the USC-Washington game last weekend. We don’t get to go to a lot of games because 11-year-old boys have their own activities and stuff on the weekends, but this time we were able to get there a few hours early and stroll around the campus, site of many of my greatest academic accomplishments . . . Read more →
The Flintstone Nickel
I found this amongst some pocket change . . . a new entry in the Lewis and Clark Westward Journey nickel series. According to the U.S. Mint web site, the design depicts a 55-foot keelboat with Captains Lewis and Clark in full uniform in the bow. I can make this out on the enlarged image, but on an actual nickel — maybe it’s my failing eyesight, but the only feature I can see clearly is the sail, which to me looks just like one of those brontosaurus burgers that tips over the Flintstones’ car at the drive-in . . . Read more →
Temptation
It’s tough to eat healthy . . . I usually buy a fruit smoothie for lunch, but as I was telling my wife, to get from the parking lot to the smoothie shop, I have to walk by the taco shop, the pizza shop, the sub shop and the doughnut shop, all with the doors open so you can smell everything. “Why can’t you just eat normal food?” she says. Read more →
High Noon
“I can’t believe people are playing tennis at high noon,” my son says as we drive by the local courts. “They’re building up their stamina,” I suggest. “They’re getting skin cancer,” he replies. “They’ll need stamina to battle the skin cancer.” Read more →