Author Archive: Paul Epps

Le Hamster est Mort

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Bowser died today. Or, maybe, yesterday; I can’t be sure. (French literature buffs are screaming with laughter right now. Trust me.) I feel bad that we didn’t pay as much attention to him after we got the dog, but I guess that’s why pugs cost $1,000 and hamsters cost six bucks. Read more →

Election Wrapup

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It might have been fun watching a talking tree lead the country for a few years, were it not for the small matter of the war for civilization, and the fact that you don’t want a president who’s determined to lose it. It’s interesting, in looking at a map of the results, to see that there’s a huge block of red (Republican) states starting from Florida, going most of the way up the eastern seaboard, and then sweeping west all the way to Nevada, leaving a few pockets of confused people on the fringes — geographically and otherwise — who are completely out of touch with the rest of the country. Unfortunately, this includes my home state of California . . . Read more →

Happy Halloween

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I look forward to taking my son out trick-or-treating every year. I have lots of Halloween memories, mostly happy, some sad . . . One year — he was in kindergarten or 1st grade, I can’t remember which — I took him out and he was so excited, running from house to house . . . As he was running back from one house, he slipped and fell right in front of a group of older kids. They were very nice, helped him up, asked if he was okay, which he was, but it really demoralized him. A couple of houses later, he said he wanted to go home. I asked him if he felt bad about falling down in front of everybody and he said no, he was just tired and wanted to go home. So I took him home. He’s 11 now and tonight he and his friends… Read more →

Fight On!

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My son and I went to the USC-Washington game last weekend. We don’t get to go to a lot of games because 11-year-old boys have their own activities and stuff on the weekends, but this time we were able to get there a few hours early and stroll around the campus, site of many of my greatest academic accomplishments . . . Read more →

The Flintstone Nickel

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I found this amongst some pocket change . . . a new entry in the Lewis and Clark Westward Journey nickel series. According to the U.S. Mint web site, the design depicts a 55-foot keelboat with Captains Lewis and Clark in full uniform in the bow. I can make this out on the enlarged image, but on an actual nickel — maybe it’s my failing eyesight, but the only feature I can see clearly is the sail, which to me looks just like one of those brontosaurus burgers that tips over the Flintstones’ car at the drive-in . . . Read more →

Temptation

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It’s tough to eat healthy . . . I usually buy a fruit smoothie for lunch, but as I was telling my wife, to get from the parking lot to the smoothie shop, I have to walk by the taco shop, the pizza shop, the sub shop and the doughnut shop, all with the doors open so you can smell everything. “Why can’t you just eat normal food?” she says. Read more →

High Noon

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“I can’t believe people are playing tennis at high noon,” my son says as we drive by the local courts. “They’re building up their stamina,” I suggest. “They’re getting skin cancer,” he replies. “They’ll need stamina to battle the skin cancer.” Read more →

The Family Lawyer

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It’s taking a long time for our beverages to arrive at El Cholo, one of our favorite dining establishments. (Try the Sonora-Style Enchilada.) “The drinks are taking a long time,” my wife says. “Yeah,” my son agrees. “Drinks are supposed to come fast. I’m going to file a complaint.” “Who are you going to file a complaint with?” I ask. “Grandma Sylvia . . . she’s a lawyer.” Read more →

I Feel Safer Already

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Spirit-crushing foolishness from my candidate, John Kerry. The nation is trying to figure out how to fight global terrorism and he’s talking about having ‘not just a Department of Health and Human Services, but a Department of Wellness.’ How about a Department of F***ing Perspective? — Mickey Kaus Read more →

Hollywood Confidential

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Tom Cruise says wife number three has to be funny, honest — AFP headline As opposed to the rest of us, who would be looking for humorless liars, if we weren’t still hanging in there with our first wives. I ask you — who is stupider: Tom Cruise or the people whose job it is to follow him around and write this crap down? Read more →

Interpretation of Dreams

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I was looking for something in my son’s room this morning when he woke up saying, “Please stop it!” He didn’t seem to be really talking to me, so I said, “Did you have a dream?” WIthout opening his eyes, he said, “Mom was shuffling her feet for an hour!” Read more →

Things That Might Have Been

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I think about things that might have been and never were. The treatise on Saxon myths that Bede omitted to write. The inconceivable work that Dante may have glimpsed As soon as he corrected the Comedy’s last verse. History without two afternoons: that of the hemlock, that of the Cross. History without Helen’s face. Man without the eyes that have granted us the moon. Over three Gettysburg days, the victory of the South. The love we never shared. The vast empire the Vikings declined to found. The globe without the wheel, or without the rose. John Donne’s judgment of Shakespeare. The Unicorn’s other horn. The fabled Irish bird which alights in two places at once. The child I never had. — Jorge Luis Borges, “Things that might have been” Read more →

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