Author Archive: Paul Epps

The Family Lawyer

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It’s taking a long time for our beverages to arrive at El Cholo, one of our favorite dining establishments. (Try the Sonora-Style Enchilada.) “The drinks are taking a long time,” my wife says. “Yeah,” my son agrees. “Drinks are supposed to come fast. I’m going to file a complaint.” “Who are you going to file a complaint with?” I ask. “Grandma Sylvia . . . she’s a lawyer.” Read more →

I Feel Safer Already

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Spirit-crushing foolishness from my candidate, John Kerry. The nation is trying to figure out how to fight global terrorism and he’s talking about having ‘not just a Department of Health and Human Services, but a Department of Wellness.’ How about a Department of F***ing Perspective? — Mickey Kaus Read more →

Hollywood Confidential

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Tom Cruise says wife number three has to be funny, honest — AFP headline As opposed to the rest of us, who would be looking for humorless liars, if we weren’t still hanging in there with our first wives. I ask you — who is stupider: Tom Cruise or the people whose job it is to follow him around and write this crap down? Read more →

Interpretation of Dreams

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I was looking for something in my son’s room this morning when he woke up saying, “Please stop it!” He didn’t seem to be really talking to me, so I said, “Did you have a dream?” WIthout opening his eyes, he said, “Mom was shuffling her feet for an hour!” Read more →

Things That Might Have Been

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I think about things that might have been and never were. The treatise on Saxon myths that Bede omitted to write. The inconceivable work that Dante may have glimpsed As soon as he corrected the Comedy’s last verse. History without two afternoons: that of the hemlock, that of the Cross. History without Helen’s face. Man without the eyes that have granted us the moon. Over three Gettysburg days, the victory of the South. The love we never shared. The vast empire the Vikings declined to found. The globe without the wheel, or without the rose. John Donne’s judgment of Shakespeare. The Unicorn’s other horn. The fabled Irish bird which alights in two places at once. The child I never had. — Jorge Luis Borges, “Things that might have been” Read more →

Instants

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[Ed. Note: The unusual spellings are from the original source.] If I could live again my life, In the next – I’ll try, – to make more mistakes, I won’t try to be so perfect, I’ll be more relaxed, I’ll be more full – than I am now, In fact, I’ll take fewer things seriously, I’ll be less hygenic, I’ll take more risks, I’ll take more trips, I’ll watch more sunsets, I’ll climb more mountains, I’ll swim more rivers, I’ll go to more places – I’ve never been, I’ll eat more ice creams and less (lime) beans, I’ll have more real problems – and less imaginary ones, I was one of those people who live prudent and prolific lives – each minute of his life, Offcourse that I had moments of joy – but,  if I could go back I’ll try to have only good moments, If you don’t know… Read more →

Look Homeward, Angel

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. . . a stone, a leaf, an unfound door; of a stone, a leaf, a door. And of all the forgotten faces. Naked and alone we came into exile. In her dark womb we did not know our mother’s face; from the prison of her flesh have we come into the unspeakable and incommunicable prison of this earth. Which of us has known his brother? Which of us has looked into his father’s heart? Which of us has not remained forever prison-pent? Which of us is not forever a stranger and alone? O waste of loss, in the hot mazes, lost, among bright stars on this most weary unbright cinder, lost! Remembering speechlessly, we seek the great forgotten language, the lost lane-end into heaven, a stone, a leaf, an unfound door. Where? When? O lost, and by the wind grieved ghost, come back again. — Thomas Wolfe, Look Homeward,… Read more →

Now That You Mention It

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From a Wall Street Journal article on excessive lender processing fees: An application fee? Charges for document preparation? An “administration” fee? They even want you to pay their postage. I’m surprised lenders aren’t charging for in-office backrubs for overworked loan officers. Ho Ho! Actually, the mortgage bank I work with does subsidize 50 percent of the cost of in-office massages . . . Read more →

Fortunately I Rarely Travel

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In October 1989, I was in the Bay Area for the USC-Cal football game. We saw the game on Saturday, flew home Sunday afternoon, then on Monday, Oct. 18, at 5:04 PM, a 6.9 earthquake killed 63 people, injured 3,757 and caused around $6 billion in property damage, including the collapse of a section of the Oakland Bay Bridge. Shortly after my return from a recent trip to Disney World, Hurricane Charley swept across Florida, causing an estimated $7 to 14 billion in damage, and ripping the roof off of three terminal buildings at Orlando International Airport. I’m a harbinger of disaster . . . Read more →

Chapel of Love

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Today’s the day We’ll say “I do” And we’ll never be lonely anymore. — The Dixie Cups, “Chapel of Love” For decades, I thought this was just a happy, sappy little ditty . . . now I wonder if it isn’t one of the most bitterly ironic songs ever written. We’ll love until The end of time And we’ll never be lonely anymore . . . Read more →

Dogfood

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From Netcraft: The LinuxWorld Expo in San Francisco is the center of the Linux universe this week, celebrating the best Linux apps and advancing the cause of Linux in business. If you can’t be at the Moscone Center, you can read the latest conference news at the LinuxWorld Expo web site, which naturally is powered by … Windows Server 2003. Linux enthusiasts are not alone in finding their “World” running on Microsoft software, as the Mac World Expo is also hosted on Windows Server 2003. Read more →

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