I’ve been aware of the time going by They say in the end it’s the wink of an eye. — Jackson Browne, “The Pretender” (1976) Read more →
Author Archive: Paul Epps
Vagueness and Sheer Incompetence
This mixture of vagueness and sheer incompetence is the most marked characteristic of modern English prose, and especially of any kind of political writing. As soon as certain topics are raised, the concrete melts into the abstract and no one seems to be able to think of turns of speech that are not hackneyed; prose consists less and less of words chosen for the sake of their meaning, and more and more of phrases tacked together like the sections of a prefabricated henhouse. — George Orwell, “Politics and the English Language” (1945) I am so glad to hear that, because I try to read political commentary every now and then, and I can very rarely figure out what if anything is being said. I thought it was just me. Read more →
Wrought by Prayer
I have lived my life, and that which I have done May He within Himself make pure! but thou, If thou shouldst never see my face again, Pray for my soul. More things are wrought by prayer Than this world dreams of. — Alfred, Lord Tennyson, “Morte d’Arthur” Tennyson has said that more things are wrought by prayer than this world dreams of, but he has wisely refrained from saying whether they are good things or bad things. It might perhaps be as well if the world were to dream of, or even become wide awake to some of the things that are being wrought by prayer. — Samuel Butler, The Way of All Flesh Read more →
Overheard
A project manager talking to a business analyst: PM: Can you have that done by today? BA: No I can’t, and here’s why. [Lengthy explanation deleted.] I can have it done by next week. PM: Can you have it done by tomorrow? Read more →
We Set Our Sights So Low
I think it’s such a shame we set our sights so low. Either you’re stuck with software that works the way it works because you don’t want to break it, or you get an upgrade that causes pain and anguish. I just want my stupid computer to work and it doesn’t. That’s not computing. That we accept the status quo says such negative things about us as humans . . . Our ambitions are so, so small compared to the opportunity. — Kent Beck Read more →
In Memoriam: Charles Bronson
The best Charles Bronson movie I ever saw was Once Upon a Time in the West, worth the price of a rental for the opening scene alone . . . “Looks like we’re shy one horse.” “You brought two too many.” Read more →
Marital Discord Explained
A friend explains to me why he and his wife argue all the time: Unfortunately, Paul, a lot of married people argue like this, particularly when there’s a large discrepancy in IQ. Read more →
Pizza Flashback
We had Papa John’s pizza brought in at work today . . . Read more →
Bejeweled
I was trying to get my son to think ahead a little in Bejeweled instead of just clicking on the first match he sees. Result: He clicks as fast as ever, but he now adds a running commentary in a dopey voice whenever I’m in the room: Should I click here? Or should I click here? Or should I just sit here thinking and not click on anything? Thinking is better than life. Well — when you put it that way, you have to be alive to think. But still, thinking is the best . . . Footnote: My high score is still way better than his. Read more →
Management 101
I saw the new Jackie Chan movie today . . . it was pretty bad, but the thing that resonated with me was that the movie, like all movies of this type, had an evil villain, and the villain would gather his evil henchmen and say things like “Which one of you would like to explain this latest failure?” He sounded just like one of the managers I work with . . . Read more →
Self-Portrait
A boy en route to Amarillo, holding a camera . . . Read more →
What’s for Breakfast?
“You want waffles?” asks Mom. “Bacon,” the boy replies, without looking up from his GameBoy. “How about bacon, and I’ll cut up an apple for you?” “Bacon.” “You have to have fruit with it. How about grapes?” “Bacon.” “Bacon and fruit.” Pause. “Is bacon a fruit?” Read more →
Worst Band of All Time
Blender magazine has named Insane Clown Posse as the worst band of all time, although I personally think this does a great disservice to Rush — the band, not the radio guy. Read more →
Slapstick Science
According to the British Journal of Ophthalmology, wearing a too-tight necktie may increase the risk of glaucoma by boosting blood pressure inside the eyes. Ouch! Who volunteers for this kind of thing? Choked blind with your own necktie!? Read more →
EppsNet Goes to the Movies
I was buying movie tickets with my 10-year-old boy when a woman with her 20-something daughter smiled at us and said, “When you get older, your kids will take you to the movies.” Later, in the snack bar line, I asked him, “So are you going to take me to a movie when I get older?” Read more →
Introducing a 10-Year-Old to Poetry
Me: (reading aloud from syllabus for UC Irvine Young Writers class, in which my kid is enrolled) “We are going to be doing a variety of activities, including a facade poem, a four season poem, journal writing, and a memory snapshot story.” Him: Poems blow. Read more →
Undercutting the Offshore Bid
Primate Programming Inc. Read more →
Kids in America
According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, the average child care worker earns $9.57 an hour. This is less than we pay people to cut our hair ($10.40 an hour), shine our shoes ($9.95 an hour) and park our cars ($9.87 an hour). Repeat: Kids in America are being raised by people earning $9.57 an hour. That explains a lot . . . Read more →
Happy Birthday
We celebrated my son’s birthday yesterday by going to his favorite restaurant of all time, BD’s Mongolian Barbeque in Irvine, only to find that they’d gone out of business, finally beaten into submission by the ultra-popular BJ’s Restaurant & Brewery next door. Fortunately, 10-year-olds bounce back from these kinds of setbacks pretty quickly, especially when they get the Kung Fu Chaos game they really, really wanted . . . Read more →
2 Fast
Costa Mesa, CA. — Michael Allen Hanson was cruising at 100 mph in his new Porsche on the Costa Mesa (55) Freeway when a black car zoomed past Tuesday night. So Hanson, president of his mortgage company, hit the gas. Read more →