At a family gathering a few years ago, a couple of my nieces were experimenting with makeup — including bright red lipstick — when one of the maiden aunts told them that girls with red lipstick look like whores. Well, that made quite an impression on these girls . . . now at any family get-together that the aunt attends, every girl — from high school seniors down to 5-year-olds — puts on the tawdriest shade of red lipstick they can find. At Thanksgiving this past week, one of the girls added some ghastly white face powder, for the total painted lady look . . . Read more →
Author Archive: Paul Epps
Margaret Cho
My wife estimated the audience as 75 percent gay, which I think, if anything, was a little bit low. Read more →
A Damnable Doctrine
I can indeed hardly see how anyone ought to wish Christianity to be true; for if so the plain language of the text seems to show that the men who do not believe, and this would include my Father, Brother and almost all of my friends, will be everlasting punished. And this is a damnable doctrine. — The Autobiography of Charles Darwin Darwin’s The Origin of Species was published on this date in 1859. Read more →
A Visitor from the East
Have you ever had a house guest — an in-law, perhaps — who thought that your life would be a lot better if you ran your business the same way she does, lived where she does, managed your money the way she does, ate certain foods in certain portions because she does, put on a sweater when she gets cold, and so on? Well, I have . . . Read more →
Can You Hear Me Now?
Dead man’s phone rings inside coffin — Expatica Belgium I have instructed my family to bury a phone with me . . . then call it. If I answer, grab a shovel. Read more →
Men Are From Mars, Chickens Are From KFC
A man and a 10-year-old boy bring home the evening meal: 12 pieces of KFC for $9.99. “Get some plates,” his wife says. “We don’t need plates,” the man replies. “We’re men!” the boy explains. Wife: “You’re going to make a mess.” Man: “Of course we’re going to make a mess” Boy: “We’re men!” Read more →
Break a Leg
One of my nieces in Australia — she must be 11 or 12 by now — fell off the roof of her house and broke her leg. “What was she doing on the roof?” I ask my wife. “Her mom told her she couldn’t play in the house.” Nice. Or as they say in Australia, noyce. Read more →
Forgive Us Our Debts
I got an email today with the subject line “Even Christians have financial problems,” advertising “debt counseling from a Christian perspective.” Where did the idea come from that Christians should be immune from financial problems? Jesus had to walk at night because he couldn’t afford a pair of shoes. Talk about a guy with financial problems . . . Read more →
So Much Trash
On this date in 1851, Herman Melville’s Moby-Dick was published. The book, considered by modern scholars to be one of the great American novels, was dismissed by Melville’s contemporaries and belittled by reviewers as “so much trash belonging to the worst school of Bedlam literature.” Melville took bad reviews pretty hard and gave up writing fiction a few years later. He died in New York on September 28, 1891, at the age of 72, almost completely forgotten. Read more →
Existentialism in the Cafeteria
HOLDINGFORD, MINN. — Millionaire dishwasher Kathy Welle seemed incredulous as she stared into the TV cameras and explained why sharing a $95.5 million Powerball jackpot with 15 fellow Holdingford schools cafeteria workers wasn’t reason enough to quit her $9-an-hour job. “And I don’t plan to quit my other job, driving a school bus for the district, either,” Welle said Tuesday. “What else would I do? What else would any of us do?” — “Powerball winners keep working in Holdingford schools,” Minneapolis-St. Paul Star Tribune Read more →
Trick or Treat
In a last minute switcheroo, my wife decided to stay home and hand out candy while I went trick-or-treating with the kids. I had six kids in my group: four 10-year-old boys — a mummy (my kid), two ninjas, and an evil baseball catcher — plus a hyperactive 6-year-old cheerleader and a 5-year-old Blue’s Clues girl. The cheerleader was a dynamo — the first kid to every door — and if it wasn’t opened promptly, she’d run around looking in the windows to see what was the holdup. The evil baseball catcher — wearing a chest protector, shin guards and a skull mask — approached every house by taking a running start and sliding up to the door on his shin guards, scaring women, small children and pretty much everyone else, because no one expected him to do that, and because it looked like he’d fallen and given himself a… Read more →
Overheard
“I beat the traffic this morning. I got here an hour and a half early, but I only had to get up 45 minutes earlier.” “So you saved 45 minutes.” “I saved . . . let’s see . . . (looking thoughtfully skyward) . . . 45 minutes! Read more →
Why Great Novels Are Not Written by 10-Year-Olds
And look upon us, angels of young children, with regards not quite estranged, when the swift river bears us to the ocean. — Charles Dickens, Dombey and Son And so, on page 243 of a 900-page novel, the 6-year-old Son referred to in the title dies! “So what’s the rest of the book going to be about?” I wonder aloud. “Your butt,” my son suggests. Read more →
A Tale of Two Dinners
I took my son out for dinner tonight. We went to Hof’s Hut, his choice. I’ve been to Hof’s Hut twice in my life. The other time was the first real date I ever had with a girl. I took her to Hof’s Hut and a movie, where she fell asleep. That seems like just last week, and yet this week I find myself married with a 10-year-old son, who orders off the grownup menu for the very first time . . . Read more →
Burning Down the House
I had three pieces of limestone on my desk, but I was terrified to find that they required to be dusted daily, when the furniture of my mind was all undusted still, and I threw them out the window in disgust. How, then, could I have a furnished house? I would rather sit in the open air, for no dust gathers on the grass, unless where man has broken ground. — Henry David Thoreau, Walden We’ve got a number of uncontrolled fires burning in Southern California. It’s raining ash out of a darkened sky in Orange County, where I live, although we’re nowhere near the actual fires. Read more →
A Brilliant Waste of Time
A colleague is internationalizing error messages for a login form. He can tell you that your password is wrong in 12 different languages, even though the users of the application all speak English. “This is a brilliant waste of time,” he chortles. “It sure is . . . if by ‘brilliant waste of time,’ you mean ‘waste of time.’” Read more →
If a Tree Falls in the Forest . . .
If by “sound,” you mean vibrations in air pressure capable of being interpreted as sound, then yes, it does make a sound. If by “sound,” you mean CRRRRRRRRASSSSSH!, then it doesn’t. Read more →
That is You
The earth keeps some vibration going There in your heart, and that is you. — Edgar Lee Masters, “Fiddler Jones” There’s a balance to be struck between providing a kid with some direction in his life, and thinking that he should like certain things because I like them, or dislike certain things because I don’t like them, or that he should do things a certain way because that’s the way I would do them, the danger being that even though my way is, of course, the best way, the way he does it is what makes him him . . . Read more →
Great Moments in Parenting
My son wants an Icee after roller hockey practice, so I give him some money and he skates off to the snack bar. When I get there, the snack bar girl is giving him the Icee and his money back. Read more →
Question
Which is stronger, fear or hope? This may be important . . . Read more →