Ohio executes man who killed woman with knife — Reuters His attorneys sought clemency on the grounds that he had been a “model prisoner.” I think if that’s the best thing you can say about someone, it’s time to go ahead and kill him. Footnote: That’s a terrible headline. Did he kill a woman who had a knife? Was he executed with a knife? Some people might argue that that’s cruel and unusual, although I wouldn’t oppose it personally . . . Read more →
Author Archive: Paul Epps
Warren Buffett on Financial Reports
If I can’t understand it, the management probably doesn’t want me to understand it. And if management doesn’t want me to understand it, there is probably something wrong going on. Read more →
Heat Miser
I saw a guy at lunch today who’d dyed his hair red and spiked it, making him look more like a real life Heat Miser than anyone I’ve ever seen . . . Read more →
Genealogy: Who Cares?
I found myself involved in a genealogy discussion the other night, and I guess I disappointed everyone by admitting that I don’t know the origin of the name Epps, nor am I all that curious about it. Read more →
Your Résumé is Quite Impressive
Possible responses: It should be. I wrote it. It’s the only thing more impressive than my actual accomplishments. Read more →
Atkins Dies
Dr. Robert Atkins, creator of the high-fat, low-carb “Atkins Diet,” died today, not from a heart attack or stroke, as I’d hoped, but by slipping on a sidewalk outside his office. Maybe that crazy diet affects your balance . . . Read more →
Three Ways to Find My House
I love living in Irvine but . . . the lots aren’t very big, the houses are close together, and they all look about the same anyway, so even after 2-1/2 years, I still have trouble picking out which house is mine as I’m driving down the street. I’ve devised a couple of methods for handling this. Read more →
Calvin Klein Seeking Substance-Abuse Help
The fashion designer Calvin Klein said yesterday that he was seeking professional help for substance abuse, nearly two weeks after his erratic behavior during a Knicks basketball game at Madison Square Garden briefly forced a halt in play. — The New York Times Another blow to the theory that being rich and famous somehow makes it easier to live through the day, in case anyone other than my wife still believes it . . . Read more →
Conversations With a 9-Year-Old
“That’s a good haircut. You look very handsome.” “Did you say ‘handsome’?” “Yeah.” “I don’t want to be handsome.” “What do you want to be?” “Cooool.” Read more →
No Thanks
Today’s email brings the following inquiry: Would you like a larger penis? Or for your spouse to have a larger one? Hmmm . . . neither, actually. Read more →
The Price of Kids
The waiter at Mongolian BBQ asks how old is my son, which throws me off a little bit because we’ve eaten there many times (we’d eat there every night if the boy had his way) and no one ever asked that before. Read more →
Newport Sports Museum
We had a great time today at the Newport Sports Museum for free. Read more →
Fred “Mr.” Rogers Dies at 74
Mr. Rogers died yesterday at age 74. His death was announced by — honest to god — Mr. McFeely, aka family spokesman David Newell. Read more →
Happy Valentines Day
Husband promises to break off affair with office receptionist if wife loses weight and gets breast implants. Wife schedules liposuction and breast enhancement. Husband fails to break off affair as promised. Wife runs over husband with car, killing him. Colorado mom leaves six kids, ages 6 to 14, home alone with food, a credit card and $7 in cash while she takes a two-week vacation to Italy with her boyfriend. Read more →
Ansel Adams at 100
I took my family to see the Ansel Adams exhibit at LACMA. Adams’ work has always meant a lot to me. Wife: Why are all the pictures so small? Son: What time does the NBA Slam Dunk Contest come on? Wife: Are they all in black and white? Read more →
Never Trust a Golfer
A 68-year-old South Carolina man was arrested in the 1957 slaying of two Southern California police officers who were shot after they stopped a car for running a red light. According to the Associated Press: Gerald Fiten Mason was a solid member of his South Carolina community, a golfer who lived quietly with his wife of 40 years. I’ve always distrusted a man who plays golf . . . Read more →
Another Reason to Restrict TV Viewing
In a local “headless torso” case, two boys were arrested for killing their mom, then cutting off her head and hands to hinder identification of the body, a trick they picked up from watching “The Sopranos.” This is why I don’t allow a lot of TV viewing at my house . . . Read more →
Introducing a 9-Year-Old to Johnny Cash
I keep a close watch on this heart of mine I keep my eyes wide open all the time . . . “Really? How do you sleep?” Read more →
UCLA Hires Karl Dorrell
My son is watching SportsCenter in the other room . . . He says, “UCLA hired a new coach: Carlos Burrell!” By which I think he means Karl Dorrell. That is a great, great hire. I say that as a USC grad who was sorry to see Bob Toledo go. They might never beat the Trojans again . . . Read more →
How’s Business?
People often ask me: How’s the computer business? One thing I can tell them is that a significant number of my Merry Christmas emails from former colleagues end with something like this: P.S. Please let me know if you hear of any job leads as I am currently unemployed. Read more →