O to be yielded to you whoever you are, and you to be yielded to me in defiance of the world! O to return to paradise! O bashful and feminine! O to draw you to me, to plant on you for the first time the lips of a determin’d man! — Walt Whitman, “One Hour to Madness and Joy” Read more →
Author Archive: Paul Epps
Stuff They Don’t Teach You in School
A client I’m working with is rewarding the top 20 percent of its sales force by flying them to Lake Tahoe for a 3-day weekend. An enterprising competitor might say to himself, “Hmmm . . . what if something were to happen to that plane?” Now there’s something they don’t teach you at Harvard Business School. Read more →
Useless Reports
A client is paying me to streamline its reporting system. Like many companies, they produce a lot of reports, most of them not very useful. So far, my choice for the least useful, or most useless, is one titled “All Sales Data in Database.” Guess what it prints? If you said all the sales data in the database, you’re right! It’s a big report . . . Read more →
First Library Card Discovered
Something I found around the house this weekend: my son’s first library card. It’s four or five years old now, it’s expired, but I still remember how proud I was when he got it. It’s hard to say why . . . I knew he could read a little bit, write his name — not very well, but still . . . I think at the time I was feeling that, for better or worse, he wasn’t a baby anymore, and here was the proof . . . Read more →
Introducing a 9-Year-Old to Yoga
“You learn to breathe with your whole body. So you breeeeathe in from the bottom of your feet up to the top of your head, and you breeeeathe out from the top of your head to the bottom of your feet . . .” “Can’t you just use your nose or mouth?” Read more →
My 9-Year-Old Kid’s Current Favorite Expressions
Who cares? What’s your point? Serves you right. He sometimes abbreviates them as “WC?”, “WYP?” and “SYR.” Another favorite — borrowed from Calvin and Hobbes/Spaceman Spiff — is you say something to him and he responds,”‘GLOP GLOP GLORP.’ The alien being is trying to say something.” Read more →
Happy Mother’s Day
The hand that rocks the cradle Is the hand that rules the world. — William Ross Wallace, “What Rules the World” Motherhood meant I have written four fewer books, but I know more about life. — A. S. Byatt The joys of parents are secret, and so are their griefs and fears. — Francis Bacon, “Of Parents and Children” Read more →
Kill the Model Prisoners
Ohio executes man who killed woman with knife — Reuters His attorneys sought clemency on the grounds that he had been a “model prisoner.” I think if that’s the best thing you can say about someone, it’s time to go ahead and kill him. Footnote: That’s a terrible headline. Did he kill a woman who had a knife? Was he executed with a knife? Some people might argue that that’s cruel and unusual, although I wouldn’t oppose it personally . . . Read more →
Warren Buffett on Financial Reports
If I can’t understand it, the management probably doesn’t want me to understand it. And if management doesn’t want me to understand it, there is probably something wrong going on. Read more →
Heat Miser
I saw a guy at lunch today who’d dyed his hair red and spiked it, making him look more like a real life Heat Miser than anyone I’ve ever seen . . . Read more →
Genealogy: Who Cares?
I found myself involved in a genealogy discussion the other night, and I guess I disappointed everyone by admitting that I don’t know the origin of the name Epps, nor am I all that curious about it. Read more →
Your Résumé is Quite Impressive
Possible responses: It should be. I wrote it. It’s the only thing more impressive than my actual accomplishments. Read more →
Atkins Dies
Dr. Robert Atkins, creator of the high-fat, low-carb “Atkins Diet,” died today, not from a heart attack or stroke, as I’d hoped, but by slipping on a sidewalk outside his office. Maybe that crazy diet affects your balance . . . Read more →
Three Ways to Find My House
I love living in Irvine but . . . the lots aren’t very big, the houses are close together, and they all look about the same anyway, so even after 2-1/2 years, I still have trouble picking out which house is mine as I’m driving down the street. I’ve devised a couple of methods for handling this. Read more →
Calvin Klein Seeking Substance-Abuse Help
The fashion designer Calvin Klein said yesterday that he was seeking professional help for substance abuse, nearly two weeks after his erratic behavior during a Knicks basketball game at Madison Square Garden briefly forced a halt in play. — The New York Times Another blow to the theory that being rich and famous somehow makes it easier to live through the day, in case anyone other than my wife still believes it . . . Read more →
Conversations With a 9-Year-Old
“That’s a good haircut. You look very handsome.” “Did you say ‘handsome’?” “Yeah.” “I don’t want to be handsome.” “What do you want to be?” “Cooool.” Read more →
No Thanks
Today’s email brings the following inquiry: Would you like a larger penis? Or for your spouse to have a larger one? Hmmm . . . neither, actually. Read more →
The Price of Kids
The waiter at Mongolian BBQ asks how old is my son, which throws me off a little bit because we’ve eaten there many times (we’d eat there every night if the boy had his way) and no one ever asked that before. Read more →
Newport Sports Museum
We had a great time today at the Newport Sports Museum for free. Read more →
Fred “Mr.” Rogers Dies at 74
Mr. Rogers died yesterday at age 74. His death was announced by — honest to god — Mr. McFeely, aka family spokesman David Newell. Read more →