Author Archive: Paul Epps

Proofread Your Own Work

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FYI, if you meant to type “invest in education” but actually typed “incest in education,” which you might do because the ‘c’ and ‘v’ keys are right next to each other, a spell checker will not catch that as a mistake . . . Read more →

George Washington Died on this Day in 1799

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On this date, Dec. 14, in 1799, George Washington, the American revolutionary leader and first president of the United States, died of acute laryngitis at his estate in Mount Vernon, Virginia. He was 67 years old. That is according to History.com. Acute laryngitis is not something that’s likely to kill you today but in 1799, medical “science” was still so medieval that doctors believed that diseases were caused by an imbalance of fluids in the body. In particular, they believed that fevers were caused by an excess of blood and they treated fevers by bleeding the patient. Not surprisingly, draining off almost half of Washington’s blood not only didn’t cure him, it probably killed him. The moral of that story is: When you don’t know what the heck you’re doing, just leave well enough alone. Read more →

A New Use for Churches

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Granting the existence of God, a house dedicated to Him naturally follows. He is all-important; it is fit that man should take some notice of Him. But why praise and flatter Him for His unspeakable cruelties? Why forget so supinely His failures to remedy the easily remediable? Why, indeed, devote the churches entirely to worship? Why not give them over, now and then, to justifiable indignation meetings? — H.L. Mencken Read more →

“And you make your nest as high as the eagles, and take the high ground, and from thence I’ll bring thee down . . .”

Moving Back

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Our boy was home recently for a visit . . . he lives in San Francisco now . . . we were driving to dinner one night and his mom, from the back seat, said to him, “You can move back if you want to.” “I don’t think I would move back to Irvine,” the boy said matter-of-factly. “I meant you can move the seat back. I have plenty of room back here.” Read more →

Cashing In

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When I look up, I see people cashing in. I don’t see heaven or saints or angels. I see people cashing in on every decent impulse and every human tragedy. — Joseph Heller, Catch-22 Read more →

A Man’s a Man For A’ That

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What though on hamely fare we dine, Wear hoddin grey, an’ a that; Gie fools their silks, and knaves their wine; A Man’s a Man for a’ that: For a’ that, and a’ that, Their tinsel show, an’ a’ that; The honest man, tho’ e’er sae poor, Is king o’ men for a’ that. — Robert Burns, “A Man’s a Man For A’ That” Read more →

In Spite of Ourselves

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She don’t like her eggs all runny She thinks crossin’ her legs is funny She looks down her nose at money She gets it on like the Easter Bunny She’s my baby I’m her honey I’m never gonna let her go He ain’t got laid in a month of Sundays I caught him once and he was sniffin’ my undies He ain’t too sharp but he gets things done Drinks his beer like it’s oxygen He’s my baby And I’m his honey Never gonna let him go — John Prine, “In Spite of Ourselves” Read more →

Happy Birthday

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I remember my youth and the feeling that will never come back any more–the feeling that I could last forever, outlast the seas, the earth, and all men. — Joseph Conrad Read more →

More Words and Phrases I’m Sick Unto Death Of

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Americans are the fattest, dumbest people on earth . . . and because being fat and dumb are remediable given the proper motivation, it’s fair to say that Americans are also the most unmotivated people on earth. This is not to say that all Americans are fat, dumb and unmotivated. There’s a subset of Americans who get up every morning, brush their teeth, go to work, excel at what they do, come home, set the alarm and get up and do it again tomorrow. And take care of their families. These people are carrying the rest of the country on their backs. But for the average American, the best explanation for his or her life being the way it is is likely to be “I’m fat, dumb and unmotivated.” That’s a pretty tough admission to spit out though so most of us look around for something more palatable to sell… Read more →

Are You Smarter Than a Common Core Algebra Student?

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You can test your Common Core algebra skills against a 5-question sample test courtesy of the the New York Times. For all the controversy about Common Core, the questions seem pretty basic even for a person with an aging brain (I frigging CRUSHED it with a perfect 5 out of 5), the one exception being a graphing problem that should separate the mathematicians from the wannabes. How hard is New York's high school algebra exam? 5 questions to test your math skills. Posted by The New York Times on Monday, November 30, 2015 Read more →

EppsNet Book Reviews: Humans of New York: Stories

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I can’t say enough good things about this book. If you’re not one of the 16 million people following the Humans of New York Facebook page, take a look there to see what the concept is all about. This book would make a great gift for anyone on your holiday gift list who knows how to read. If you’re on my holiday gift list, you’re getting this book. I wish I could give a copy to every person on Earth. Rating: Read more →

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