Author Archive: Paul Epps

We Have Entered a New Screwball Phase

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Peggy Noonan had a good article in the Wall Street Journal this week about, among other things, two departures: Canadian prime minister Stephen Harper, and Joe Biden as a presidential candidate. On Harper’s successor: [Incoming Canadian prime minister] Justin Trudeau has been a snowboard instructor, schoolteacher, bartender, bouncer, speaker on environmental and youth issues, and advocate for avalanche safety. Sensing “generational change” and gravitating toward “a life of advocacy,” he entered politics and served two terms in Parliament. He has been head of the Liberal Party two years. He is handsome, has a winning personality, exhibited message discipline during the campaign, and is a talented dancer. There’s a sense we in the West have entered a new screwball phase. On Biden and old-school Democrats: Joe Biden’s decision not to run for president left me sad. He would have enlivened things. He has always reminded me of what Democrats were like… Read more →

God: “I Gave Him a Sign”

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I hope I don’t die some cartoonish death like skiing into a tree or being launched out of my car and flattened against a freeway sign. It’s funny when it happens to other people though. The only thing funnier would be if he’d left a spread-eagle person-shaped hole in the sign and then died when he hit a second sign. When reached for comment, God said, “I gave him a sign.” Read more →

Could Donald Trump Have Made More Money in an Index Fund?

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I’ve seen this theory advanced by multiple sources, including the attached clipping, which I saw on Facebook. I don’t know the original source, but the finger-painting reference is a clue that the author has an anti-Trump agenda, hasn’t done the math and is just repeating something that may or may not be true for the benefit of anyone predisposed to believe it. The actual National Journal article, which is targeted at readers who don’t know much about history, math or the Trump family, says this: By putting his inheritance into the stock market back in the 1970s, [Donald] Trump might have been “really rich” without all the drama. . . . Had the celebrity businessman and Republican presidential candidate invested his eventual share of his father’s real-estate company into a mutual fund of S&P 500 stocks in 1974, it would be worth nearly $3 billion today, thanks to the market’s… Read more →

Aside

I live in fear of my own inadequacy. True story.

Haas, Campanile, Sunset

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@_kateashley encapsulates sunset, season, Campanile, and @berkeleyhaas all in one #myucberkeley shot. #ucberkeley #cronkgate #berkeleyhaas #sathertower #campanile #campanile100 Photo edited by UC Berkeley. A photo posted by UC Berkeley (@ucberkeley) on Oct 16, 2015 at 7:35pm PDT Read more →

No One Seems to Understand Point Spreads

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I lost track of the number of headlines I saw this week regarding how USC (3-3) could possibly be a 3.5-point favorite over undefeated and third-ranked Utah (6-0). It’s weird that no one in sports journalism seems to understand what a point spread really is. It’s not a prediction. It’s not a scientific analysis. It’s a gambling mechanism. The only purpose of a point spread is to distribute the betting equally on both teams so the bookmaker can pay the winners with the losers’ money. USC is a 3.5-point favorite for one reason and one reason only and that is because there are more people willing to bet on USC than there are people willing to bet on Utah, so a carrot is offered in the form of 3.5 points to induce more bettors to put their money on the Utes. Substitute any other team . . . Team X… Read more →

Aside

I can’t wait for President Trump to outlaw “For English, press 1” on automated phone systems.

Why Jennifer Lawrence Makes Less Than Bradley Cooper

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Jennifer Lawrence is complaining (Why Do I Make Less Than My Male Co-Stars?) that she and American Hustle co-star Amy Adams received 7 percent of the profits for the film, while male actors Bradley Cooper and Christian Bale and director David Russell received 9 percent. The only explanation I can think of for this inequity is that Jennifer Lawrence and Amy Adams were willing to work for 7 percent. It doesn’t make sense to sign a deal for 7 percent and then complain that you didn’t get 9 percent. If you want 9, ask for 9. If it’s going to bother you to make less than a male co-star, ask for the same deal as the male co-star. Does Jennifer Lawrence have an agent? This doesn’t seem super complicated . . . Read more →

Mutual Admiration

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Our boy is very handsome, his mom says. She says she can’t understand how that happened. “You don’t think I’m handsome?” I ask. “We’re average-looking people, let’s be honest about it. You don’t agree?” “I think you’re very beautiful.” “You’re very handsome,” she says, after a pause almost too short to notice. Read more →

Frankie Ford, 1939-2015

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I have a quote for you on that “One-Hit Wonder” thing. I’d like to go on record right here saying, whoever that disc jockey was that coined that phrase, well he’s a no-hit wonder! I mean, it can get rude. A DJ did that to me one time in his introduction. I turned to him and said, “Well, you’re a no-hit wonder. What have you ever done?” Some people have five records that sell a million each. Some sell none. I’ve had one that sold 30 million! And I’ve outlived that one record. I’ve been 38 years at this and it’s still going. — Frankie Ford [youtube https://youtu.be/i5tIHtbctFQ] RIP, Frankie Ford Read more →

Ninja Death Touch

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Does anyone know if there’s a Ninja Death Touch Calculator available for Android? Asking for a friend . . . In the Dim Mak method, the Needle Finger can be calibrated to cause a delay of up to one year in the actual moment of death, depending on the force and direction of its application. But the timing is critical. Even a perfect blow to the correct meridian at the wrong time — might as well stay home and watch a Jackie Chan movie. Read more →

Aside

What is the hardest thing about living alone — having no one to blame or having no one to forgive?

What Are Friends For?

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View image | gettyimages.com A young man once approached Socrates and asked to be given knowledge and understanding. Socrates took him down to the seashore, led him into the water and forced his head under the waves. The youth struggled and when his resistance had nearly stopped, Socrates dragged him up on the shore. Later, the youth asked why Socrates had acted as he did. “When you were under the water, what was the one thing you wanted more than anything else?” asked Socrates. “Air,” was the reply. “When you want knowledge and understanding as badly as you wanted air,” said Socrates, “you won’t have to ask anyone to give it to you.” Read more →

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