I was yelling this morning and I scared the dog. I wasn’t angry at him or at anyone in the house, I was angry about a whole life insurance scam we got in the mail. (That’s redundant, isn’t it? “Whole life insurance scam”?) Anyway, the dog got scared and crawled under the bed. His joints, especially in his back legs, are not too good anymore and once he got under the bed, he couldn’t get back out. I had to crawl under there myself, roll him on his side, which he didn’t like, and then slide him out. That’s in case you’re wondering why I showed up late for work this morning looking like I just crawled out from under a bed . . . Read more →
Author Archive: Paul Epps
National Scholarship Award
It would be nice if modesty prevented me from mentioning that my kid’s fraternity, the Alpha Tau Omega (ATO) chapter at UC Berkeley, was awarded the National Scholarship Award at the ATO National Congress for having the highest GPA of any ATO chapter in the nation. “Yeah, and we actually have hard classes,” he said. Read more →
More Words and Phrases I’m Sick Unto Death Of: “He Was Even Better as a Person”
A person named Will Arnett was taping the Conan O’Brien show yesterday when they found out about Robin Williams’ untimely demise. Arnett said this: “As funny as he was — he’s truly one of the all-time greats — he was even better as a person.” That’s a reliable formulation: As great as he was as a [thing the person was known to be great at], he was even better as a person. Of course because the person was known to be an outlier at the one thing, he (or she) was almost certainly NOT even better as a person. How great was Robin Williams as a comedian? Top 10? I don’t know, that’s pretty competitive . . . I’m thinking of Groucho, Cosby, Charlie Chaplin, Steve Martin, George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Leno, Letterman . . . But I’d say Top 20, definitely. So according to Will Arnett, Robin Williams was… Read more →
Robin Williams, 1951-2014
Robin Williams dies at 63 in apparent suicide — LA Times Past a certain point in life, there’s not a great deal to look forward to. I imagine it’s more difficult if the process includes transitioning from fame to anonymity. Maybe he should have taken up golf . . . Read more →
Can You See the Real Me, Doctor?
I decided to get off meds for a while . . . Things That Are the Same I start every morning thinking about how great it would be to just stay in bed the rest of the day. Repeatedly hitting the snooze alarm — does life get any better than that? I live in fear of negative judgment. I dread being around other people. (May be just a restatement of #2). Things That Are Different I don’t feel like I’m in as much of a fog all the time. I feel sadder, angrier, happier, more scared, more alive for better or worse. Read more →
What Are You Looking At?
When you step out of a shower and there’s a full-length mirror available, what do you look at? I look at upper-body muscle tone. I don’t look at anything above the neck or below the waist. Does this change as you get older? I used to look below the waist, front and back, not all the time but occasionally. I don’t do that now. I asked my wife and she doesn’t look at anything. Read more →
More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of: Breastfeeding Celebrities
“In paths untrodden,” as Walt Whitman marvelously put it. “Escaped from the life that exhibits itself . . .” Oh, that’s a plague, the life that exhibits itself, a real plague! — Saul Bellow, Herzog Who the heck is Olivia Wilde and why is there a photo all over the Internet of her breastfeeding an infant in a restaurant booth? I mean, not a surreptitious candid photo of her discreetly breastfeeding. A posed photo! In a designer dress! (I’m not posting or linking to the photo. If you haven’t already seen it, I’m sure you can find it.) Well it’s a natural function, breastfeeding — right? Yeah, but there are a number of natural functions that need not be performed in public and photographed. The life that exhibits itself . . . what a plague indeed. Read more →
Are There Any Intelligent People Currently Living?
I was at LA Fitness this morning . . . one of the TVs was showing an interview with Jameis Winston on ESPN. Winston is borderline retarded but thinks he’s articulate — a deadly combination. He’s a very talented athlete. Just show clips of his athletic accomplishments. They’re impressive and fun to watch. Why would anyone want to talk to him or listen to him talk? The interviewer is paid to endure it, I get that, but why foist it on the viewing public? Maybe it’s the train wreck element. It was very painful to watch and yet I couldn’t look away! Rarely is one person gifted in multiple ways. Some people are great athletes, some people are intelligent and interesting . . . the overlap between the two groups is very small. Listening to Jameis Winston talk is like watching Milton Friedman take batting practice or Albert Einstein work… Read more →
We Were All Put on the Board Somewhere
We were all put on the board somewhere. We make our moves. Stuff happens. Be sure to blame what happens on where you started. That'll help. — Ron Jeffries (@RonJeffries) March 21, 2014 Read more →
Hawaiian Shirts
My Hawaiian shirts are like my children . . . I love them all equally. Read more →
The Who: The Kids Are Alright … Except the Ones With Ebola
Ebola Outbreaks: Another Reason I Prefer to Just Stay Home
What is the Way?
his is now my way: where is yours?’ Thus I answered those who asked me ‘the way’. For the way – does not exist! — Friedrich Nietzsche, Thus Spoke Zarathustra Read more →
Happy 21st Birthday, Casey
On this date 21 years ago — July 28, 1993 — our son Casey was born. On his first birthday, we took him to Chuck E Cheese. On his 21st birthday, he’s in San Francisco having dinner with his girlfriend so we have to wish him a happy birthday over the phone. “I remember the day you were born like it was last week,” I say. “I was an integral part of it.” “Yeah, so was I,” he says. Right, but he doesn’t remember it like I do. And I don’t want to mention it on his special day, but he didn’t really do anything either. His mom and I did all the work and yet he gets all the glory and recognition. Think about that. “Happy birthday. I love you.” Read more →
I’d Like to Be Invited
I want to be invited into other people’s lives. I’ve lived a life secluded and sequestered and now I guess what I’d like to do is be invited. This might not happen. This might not be my spirit. Maybe I was sent here to go at it alone, and maybe where I offer inspiration and have power is alone. But if you ask me, I’d like to be invited. — Rickie Lee Jones Read more →
Darth Vader for President
People are so fed up with the gridlock and dysfunction in Washington. Congress is unfortunately unable to even agree on the most obvious kinds of things. I think Darth Vader looks pretty good to a lot of people. — Former secretary of state Hillary Clinton, on CNN, responding to poll results showing voters say they prefer Darth Vader, the fictional villain in the Star Wars films, for president over her and several other potential candidates. Are people fed up with gridlock? I’m not. I love gridlock. It’s when those meddling idiots actually do something that life gets worse for everyone. Jokes aside, I think Darth Vader would be an exceptionally good president in some respects. Imagine him, for example, in an Israel-Hamas negotiating session: “Whose trachea do I have to crush with my mind to get some peace around here?” Read more →
Books, Writers, Bookstores, Libraries
World’s Coolest Bookstores – CNN Style 22 Most Spectacular Libraries in the World – Architecture and Design Writers at Work Erasing Infinite – Poet Jenni B. Baker creates erasure poetry from David Foster Wallace’s Infinite Jest, one page at a time. Incredible. Must be seen to be believed. Read more →
You Could Be Someone Special
Thanks for pushing me and always preaching to me, “You could be someone special, if you really work at it.” I took that to heart, pops, and look at us today. — Frank Thomas, induction speech at the Baseball Hall of Fame Read more →
Airlines Headquartered in Strip Malls: Another Reason I Prefer to Just Stay Home
Here’s a photo of cameramen standing outside the headquarters of the company that owned the Air Algerie plane that crashed earlier this week . . . MY GOD WHERE IS THAT?! It looks like a strip mall, or a trailer. CANCEL MY RESERVATIONS! Read more →
More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of
People who say “I don’t take myself too seriously.” Let people make up their own minds about whether you take yourself too seriously. If you think anyone’s interested in your reflective insights about yourself, then you take yourself too seriously. Read more →