Hi Everybody! It’s me, Lightning! This basketball game is terrible so here’s a video of a Husky puppy playing with a Bulldog puppy that you’ll enjoy a lot more . . .
— Lightning 
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1e33KyfixmU]
I Won’t Be Living Here Anymore
Somewhere in America, a boy — a high school senior, college bound — says to his mom, “You don’t need to renew my magazine subscriptions because I won’t be living here anymore.”
His mom, who already knows this but is momentarily stunned by the clarity of it, starts to say, “When you have a three-day weekend, come and visit us” but can’t get through it without crying . . .
Everything Must Be Replaced
Uh oh, it looks like the wireless connection here at EppsNet headquarters just went down . . .
“NOTHING MAKES ME ANGRIER THAN AN UNRELIABLE NETWORK CONNECTION!” my son yells. “WE NEED A NEW ROUTER! WE NEED A NEW MODEM! WE NEED A NEW SERVICE PROVIDER! WE NEED NEW COMPUTERS!”
“We don’t need new computers,” his mom says.
“YES WE DO!”
Biting the Hand
Most people who’ve seen the way I eat are afraid to get their hands anywhere near my mouth but my owner sometimes feeds me treats out of his hand.
The treat can be in the fingers or in the palm. Either way, I can grab it almost faster than the human eye can detect, and I never bite the hand . . .
— Lightning
My Kid is Going to Cal
I always kind of assumed that the boy would follow in his pappy’s footsteps at USC, but he just sent in his intent to register at Cal, thus ending (effectively) a journey that started on his first day of kindergarten last week.
It wasn’t last week? It was 13 years ago? It seems like last week. I picked him up after school and he sat in the back seat of the car sipping a juice box while we talked about his day. I have a video of it.
There are three schools in California that you could plausibly go to ahead of USC: Stanford, Cal Tech — two small, private schools with ultra-low admit rates — and Cal.
Cal has a better academic reputation than USC. USC has cranked up the academics over the last 20 years, and especially over the last 10 years, to the point where if you compare the academic numbers for incoming freshmen, Cal no longer has the advantage — but reputations die hard.
I’m happy that the boy is going to Cal.
I’m happy about how happy he is to be going to Cal.
I’m happy that some of his classmates are also going to Cal.
I’m sad that he’s going to be leaving.
March Madness Doggie Style!
It’s an all-canine final! Bulldogs vs. Huskies! Dog vs. dog in paw-to-paw combat!
I think the Bulldogs will win because bulldogs look more like pugs.
— Lightning
Pushing the Avocado
The girl at Subway was really pushing the avocado today . . . the third time she asked someone, “Do you want anything else on your sandwich? Some avocado, maybe?” I asked her, “Does the avocado cost extra?”
“Yes,” she said. “Do you want some?”
“No, but I was thinking if it was free it would be a good deal. If I liked avocado.”
The Price of Taxing the Rich
Nearly half of California’s income taxes before the recession came from the top 1% of earners: households that took in more than $490,000 a year. High earners, it turns out, have especially volatile incomes—their earnings fell by more than twice as much as the rest of the population’s during the recession. When they crashed, they took California’s finances down with them.
Overheard
What Marilyn Monroe Said to Liz Taylor in Heaven
It’s important to die at the right time. As Nietzsche used to say, “One must discontinue being feasted upon when one tasteth best; that is known by those who want to be long loved.”
You were so beautiful in the 1950s . . .
R.I.P. Knut
It breaks my spirit to see a magnificent animal die in pain in front of all those people.
Folks, if you want to see a polar bear, go to the Arctic Circle. Animals aren’t happy in zoos.
I know you’re thinking, “But Lightning, you live in captivity and you’re happy.”
Even as a house pet, I have more freedom than a zoo animal. My owner takes me on frequent trips to the dog park, where I’m able to exercise my innate dominance of the canine kingdom.
I couldn’t live in an enclosure because I wouldn’t be able to be who I am.
— Lightning
Cha Cha Cha
There Will Be No Additional Rules
Welcome to Nordstrom
We’re glad to have you with our Company. Our number one goal is to provide outstanding customer service. Set both your personal and professional goals high. We have great confidence in your ability to achieve them.
Nordstrom Rules: Rule #1: Use best judgment in all situations. There will be no additional rules.
Please feel free to ask your department manager, store manager, or division general manager any question at any time.
Serious People Don’t Ski
Five men, including three prominent Long Beach community and business leaders, were killed and one person seriously injured Wednesday when their Salt Lake City-bound plane crashed along a runway at Long Beach Airport and burst into flames.
The group of six were on their way to ski in Park City, Utah, friends said.
I think we’ve covered this before but there are certain key indicators in life that you are not a serious person and one of those indicators is that you take ski trips.
And it’s a key indicator squared if you’re a grown man and you take ski trips with other grown men.
Did Napoleon take ski vacations with his buddies? No, he didn’t.
Did Winston Churchill take ski vacations?
Did Einstein take ski vacations?
Did Jesus take ski vacations?
So on the bright side, it’s not like promising lives have been cut short here . . .
Shelvin
Did You Know? Shelvin Mack has brothers named Floorin, Roofin and Drywall.
Shelvin and Nasir
Regarding bonehead fouls in the last two seconds of the Pittsburgh-Butler game, I don’t look for guys named Shelvin or Nasir to make heady decisions in the clutch . . .
Meeting Ron Artest
My kid and a few of his high school friends are on their way to see Ron Artest at Living Spaces in Irvine. He’s doing a meet and greet from 3:00 to 5:00.
What kind of advertising is that? Those kids don’t have money to buy furniture.
What Is Government?
To be GOVERNED is to be watched, inspected, spied upon, directed, law-driven, numbered, regulated, enrolled, indoctrinated, preached at, controlled, checked, estimated, valued, censured, commanded, by creatures who have neither the right nor the wisdom nor the virtue to do so. To be GOVERNED is to be at every operation, at every transaction noted, registered, counted, taxed, stamped, measured, numbered, assessed, licensed, authorized, admonished, prevented, forbidden, reformed, corrected, punished. It is, under pretext of public utility, and in the name of the general interest, to be placed under contribution, drilled, fleeced, exploited, monopolized, extorted from, squeezed, hoaxed, robbed; then, at the slightest resistance, the first word of complaint, to be repressed, fined, vilified, harassed, hunted down, abused, clubbed, disarmed, bound, choked, imprisoned, judged, condemned, shot, deported, sacrificed, sold, betrayed; and to crown all, mocked, ridiculed, derided, outraged, dishonored. That is government; that is its justice; that is its morality.
Patience
Patience with others is Love, Patience with self is Hope, Patience with God is Faith.
EppsNet at the Movies: Out of the Past
Kathie Moffat: Oh, Jeff, I don’t want to die!
Jeff Bailey: Neither do I, baby, but if I have to, I’m gonna die last.
The absence of sentimentality is essential to the film noir.
Everyone was so young in this one: Robert Mitchum, Kirk Douglas. Great black-and-white cinematography and a classic final scene with the girl and the kid at the gas station.
Rating: Five stars (out of five)