You have to keep a dozen of your favorite problems constantly present in your mind, although by and large they will lay in a dormant state. Every time you hear or read a new trick or a new result, test it against each of your twelve problems to see whether it helps. Every once in a while there will be a hit, and people will say, “How did he do it? He must be a genius!”
Queueing Theory
Put four fat chicks in one car and you can slow the normally brisk pace of the McDonald’s drive-thru lane down to an absolute crawl . . .
Alpha Dogs Eat First
Hi everybody! It’s me, Lightning!
Dinner time is my favorite time of the day! Delicious food moves from the kitchen to the dining room table and if anyone turns their back on it for a second, I launch myself onto a chair and grab some.
Tonight I got a tasty chunk of salmon!
“Lightning is a bad dog,” the boy says. “Joseph’s dog never tries to eat their food.”
“Lightning is an alpha dog,” my owner says, “and alpha dogs eat first. Joseph’s dog is a pussy. He’s so far down the chain of dominance, there aren’t enough letters in the Greek alphabet to categorize him.”
— Lightning 
A Couple of Schillers
A couple of Schillers resigned from NPR after one of them said (among other things):
Tea Party people aren’t just Islamaphobic, but really xenophobic, I mean basically they are, they believe in sort of white, middle-America gun-toting. I mean, it’s scary. They’re seriously racist, racist people.
Well really . . . I haven’t been this shocked since Claude Rains discovered gambling at Rick’s Cafe.
It shakes my belief system to the core to think that someone who works at NPR believes that Tea Party members are scary white gun-toting racists.
Although come to think of it, everyone I know who listens to NPR believes that Tea Party members are scary white gun-toting racists.
These guys really need to give up the federal funding. They could go full bore in promoting their mission and stop pretending to respect the common folk, who in turn would be relieved of the burden of paying for it.
P.S. If it’s real bigotry you’re looking for, film a liberal when he thinks no one but other liberals can hear him.
P.P.S. We had a bus driver in grade school named Mr. Schiller. Real angry German guy. Probably no relation.
Allergy Shots
My vet says I have to go on allergy shots! I’M AN ALPHA DOG NOT A CANINE PIN CUSHION!
GRRRRRRRR!
— Lightning
Overheard
Northwood Basketball Awards
Here are the awards from last night’s basketball banquet at the Tustin Ranch Golf Club.
Take Me to the Mardi Gras
Ask for Help
Asking in time of trouble means you waited too long to ask for help. Ask for help when you are doing well.
Pet Peeve of the Day
People who drive my car and leave the radio on full volume so the next time I start the car I get blasted out of my gourd.
It’s like a goddamn bomb going off . . .
The Funniest Thing I Saw All Day . . .
. . . was a company web page that said if you call their customer service line, you should “be prepared to give your customer number, first and last name . . .”
OK, thanks for the heads-up on the customer number but how much preparation do I need in order to be able to provide my first and last name?
Anne Frank
As I’ve said before, it continues to amaze me how many people around the world have been touched by the life of this one girl . . .
I have seen the movie about Anne Frank and I was very emotional and hurt it was very hard to watch this movie
the things they had to go through it makes you think twice as hard what if it was my family we take things for grantedAnne Frank didn’t have a chance to have a family of her own go to the movies stay up late getting married every aspect of life
what she had she cherished with all the love for everything she hadthis situation with race needs to stop we all bleed the same colour unless we have aliens or robot blood among us or those who choose to judge all races
To me Anne Frank was a very brave outstanding young lady that had to grow up so fast before her time
To Otto Frank,Edith Frank,Margot Frank,Anne Frank you are all together now in gods arms holding you all ever so gentle his angels are cmforting you all from all the hard ache you all went through god bless you all
R.I.P. Anne Frank
Wisconsin’s Smoking Gun
If you cut the pay of an overpaid worker, he’ll generally scream bloody murder. After all, overpaid workers like to stay overpaid. But if you cut the pay of a non-overpaid worker, you haven’t really damaged him. He just quietly leaves and gets a job elsewhere. After all, the ability to find a comparable job elsewhere is pretty much the definition of not being overpaid.
Now how are the Wisconsin public workers reacting to projected pay and/or benefit cuts? As if the rug’s been pulled out from under them, that’s how. Every time a worker says “These cuts will cause me severe pain,” that worker is saying, in effect, “I can’t get anyone else to pay me at the level I’m accustomed to,” or, in briefer words, “I am overpaid!”
So yes, they’re overpaid. And the louder they get, the surer you can be.
What Everyone Says in a Book
It is my ambition to say in ten sentences what everyone else says in a book — what everyone else does not say in a book.
Mass Electrocutions : Another Reason I Prefer to Just Stay Home
At least 17 people have died in a small Brazilian town after a live power cable broke and fell into a crowd of people enjoying a pre-Carnival street party.
Fiesta!
Orwell in Wisconsin
On Saturday, February 26th, Americans in all 50 states rallied to show solidarity with the people of Wisconsin, and to save the American Dream.
Ha ha — George Orwell couldn’t have said it better!
MoveOn.org doesn’t stand with the people of Wisconsin, they stand with the people trying to rip off the people of Wisconsin.
Union-elected legislators provide sweet contracts for public-sector unions, who in turn kick back a share of the money to the legislators. Government employees take both sides of the action and the tax-paying fools who pay for everything are not represented at all.
That’s the American Dream?
The Worst Week Ever
According to MSN, Charlie Sheen just had the worst week ever.
Yeah, all he’s got left is money, fame and hookers. My heart is breaking for this asshole.
Be Yourself!
The human being who does not wish to belong to the mass must merely cease being comfortable with himself; let him follow his conscience which shouts at him: “Be yourself! What you are at present doing, opining, and desiring, that is not really you.” . . .
Slinging the Bull
The verb — to sling — is key. You do not offer bullshit. You do not put it forth. You sling it. Keep in mind that slinging, as an action, requires a loose arm and a relaxed attitude. It’s a careless action, and should be fun for both you and the recipient, although probably more fun for you if they’re not expecting it and are forced to receive it with their guard down.
The Last Freedom
We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms — to choose one’s own attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.
