“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Bessie, the Interrupting Cow.”
“Bessie, the Interr–”
“MOOOOOOO!”
Two TV antennas fell in love and got married. The wedding was nothing special but the reception was excellent.
Programmers Say the Darndest Things
It’s done but we’re still working on a few things.
Then it’s not done, is it?
It mostly works, but it still needs a lot of testing.
How do you know it mostly works if it still needs a lot of testing? Isn’t that what testing is for — to figure out if it works?
I’m not making these up, by the way . . .
Shopping for Watches
I’m at Target shopping for a new watch. My son is with me. He’s 15 years old.
“Bah,” he says, sizing up the display. “Where’s the platinum stuff?”
“Look,” I say, “all I need here is an inexpensive watch that’ll tell me what time it is.”
A guy behind us chortles. He knows what I’m talking about; he’s browsing through a rack of $19 Ray-Ban knockoffs.
“Buy what you want then,” the boy says. “But my watch is very attractive to the ladies.”
“What kind of watch do you have?” He’s not wearing one so I have to ask.
“I’ll give you a hint,” he says. “It starts with an ‘R.'”
“Very funny. What kind of watch do you have?”
“OK, it’s a Casio. But it’s got a really cool band.”
The Myth of the Natural Genius
The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.
People err who think my art comes easily to me. I assure you, dear friend, nobody has devoted so much time and thought to composition as I. There is not a famous master whose music I have not industriously studied through many times.
The Beast of the Buffet Line
We had Mother’s Day brunch at Todai Japanese buffet in Orange.
Unfortunately, directly in my line of sight at another table was a 500-pound bald Asian guy — a beast of a man — stuffing huge handfuls of food into his gaping maw.
And when I say “huge handfuls of food,” I mean he seemed to have a python-like ability to unhinge his jaws to accomodate the volume of food he was cramming in there.
Buffet managers must die a little inside when a guy like that shows up.
Happy Mothers Day!
Hi Mom! Happy Mothers Day! How are things in Iowa?
Here’s a recent picture of me at the dog park. You can see I have an underbite just like Dad. Some people tease me about it but I don’t care.
You would be so proud of me. I’m the alpha dog of my whole neighborhood!
People think that dogs don’t remember their families but of course I remember you and I always love you even though you’re far away.
Your son,
Lightning 
The Secret Sharer
The joys of parents are secret, and so are their griefs and fears.
Happy Mothers Day to my wife, who shares my secrets . . .
ABCs of Me
This has been making the rounds of my Facebook friends so I thought I’d repost my answers here:
A – Age: Extremely late 30s
B – Bed Size: Procrustean
C – Chore You Hate? If it’s a chore, I hate it
D – Dogs Name? Lightning
E – Essential Daily Items? Nothing is essential
F – Favorite Color? Blue. No, yell– AUUUUUUUUGH!
G – Gold Or Silver? Whatever
H – Height? 6-0, give or take
I – Instruments You Play? Drums and piano, both poorly
J – Job Title? Lord of Logic
K – Kids? Son, age 15
L – Living Arrangements? Wife, kid and dog, in a rapidly depreciating house
M – Mom’s Name? Good question…I only knew her as “Mom”
N – Nicknames? Like Charlie Brown, I always wanted to be called “Flash”
O – Overnight hospital stay other than birth? Burst fracture, L1 (i.e. broken back); laparascopic cholecystectomy (i.e. gall bladder out)
P – Pet Peeves? Other people and their pet peeves
Q – Quote From A Movie? “I am letting you into the secret of all secrets, mirrors are gates through which death comes and goes. Moreover if you see your whole life in a mirror you will see death at work as you see bees behind the glass in a hive.” — Jean Cocteau, Orphée
R – Right Or Left Handed? Right
S – Siblings? One sister, two brothers, and two more sisters
T – Time You Wake Up? Weekdays 5 AM, weekends whenever
U – Underwear? To paraphrase the Dos Equis guy, “I don’t always wear underwear, but when I do, I prefer boxer briefs.”
V – Vegetable You Dislike? “Sex is good, but not as good as fresh, sweet corn.” — Garrison Keillor. Oh wait, DIS-like? Are yams a vegetable? If not, lima beans or squash.
W – Ways You Run Late? Spending too much time on the Internet
X – X-Rays You’ve Had? Dental, foot, wrist, back, head, finger, blah blah blah…do MRIs count too?
Y – Yummy Food You Make? Bourbon and coke. Is that a food? Sometimes I combine two kinds of cereal and it comes out really good.
Z – Zoo Favorites? Meerkats probably
The Value of Education
I’m reading a USC alumni magazine when I notice a mosquito flying around the living room ceiling. So I roll up the magazine, wait for the mosquito to drop down the wall a little bit, and crush it on the first swing.
I tell my son, “I knew my USC education would come in handy.”
Twitter: 2009-05-08
- RT @Lileks: The needs of the many outweigh the nerds of the few. #annoyatrekkie #
With My Hands Behind My Back
A couple of days ago, I saw one of our senior managers walking down the hallway with her hands clasped behind her back.
I’d never seen her do that before — the hands thing, I mean. It gave her a different look — in fact, it gave her a different sort of presence — so I decided to try it myself.
I immediately felt more thoughtful — or at least I felt like I looked more thoughtful — like a professor strolling across the quad.
Today I was doing it again when I happened to meet up with the woman I copied it from.
I told her I was trying to emulate her hands-behind-the-back leadership technique.
She said the only reason she’d been doing that is her shoulders were sore from Pilates class and she was trying to stretch them out . . .
Twitter: 2009-05-07
- @ReporterHaley I love acai smoothies. Where do you get them? in reply to ReporterHaley #
- RT @MSFTResearch: Microsoft Research has updated the humble Post-it note .. http://tinyurl.com/dkn2bq #
- I am hearing reports that the Swine Flu can be cured by…SUSHI ! #
- @ReporterHaley Have U tried Juice It Up acai bowls (not smoothies)? I’m addicted! Aliso Viejo store makes ’em the best… in reply to ReporterHaley #
Stop Moving My Wastebasket
It seems we’ve hired on a passive-aggressive cleaning crew at the office . . .
Every morning this week, I’ve come in and my wastebasket is under the desk in front of my chair, instead of under the desk to my right where I always keep it.
I appreciate that they empty it before moving it, but where am I supposed to put my legs if there’s a wastebasket right in front of my chair?
Microblog: 2009-05-06
- RT @KathySierra: Each step up the expertise curve, U get a new level of appreciation 4 how tough some “how hard can it be?” things really R #
Sockington the Cat
This cat now has almost half a million followers on Twitter. Including me. What can I say, he’s a funny cat . . .
Microblog: 2009-05-04
- @llangit 2 electrons walking down the street. 1st says “I think I lost an electron” 2nd: “Are you sure?” 1st: “I’m positive” in reply to llangit #
- @llangit I meant “2 *atoms* walking…” in reply to llangit #
- RT @KathySierra: Improving Presos: ditch the opening. All of it. Speaker bio/intro, background, overview… Think: action film, not academic #
- RT @KathySierra: don’t focus on making a better preso, or becoming a better presenter. Focus on making your participants better/smarter #
- RT @TinaFey: Even though it’s almost over, May the 4th be with you! #
IHF All-Star Game 2009
I’m Afraid People Will Laugh at Me
London’s Evening Standard from 1966: “Three girls, one of them named Twyla Tharp, appeared at the Albert Hall last evening and threatened to do the same tonight.” So what? Thirty-seven years later I’m still here.
I was at Borders over the weekend and found the Twyla Tharp book. I wasn’t looking for it. It was on the Software Development shelf. It shouldn’t have been there but it was, so I felt that it was my destiny to buy it and read it.
It was meant to be . . .
I Have Some Fundraising Ideas
My son’s roller hockey team is going to Toronto in July for NARCh. We’re batting around fundraising ideas to help defray the cost of the trip.
How about an old-fashioned kissing booth? Kiss a hockey mom for $10!
Or a pie toss! Throw a pie in the face of a hockey mom for $10!
Better yet — dealer’s choice! Kiss a hockey mom or throw a pie in her face — $10. And we’ll throw in a package deal: A kiss and a pie — in either order! — for only $15!
Surprisingly, only one of the moms thinks this is a good idea . . .
Microblog: 2009-05-03
- RT @USCTrojans_com: Track. USC Sweeps Dual Meet For The First Time Ever http://cli.gs/3sDpya #
- RT @Lileks: Swine flu now goes from person to pig. http://bit.ly/xHgwj Finally, one for our team. In! Your! Snout! #