Don’t Go Hiking in a Sewer
In the Mirror
There’s a stranger in the house no one will ever see
But everybody says he looks like me.
Who is that sad little gray-haired man standing next to my tall, handsome boy?
That Eastern Conference is Pathetic
To give you an idea of how pathetic the NBA’s Eastern Conference is this season, The Cavs and the Celtics have both clinched playoff spots!
I know what you’re thinking: Wasn’t the All-Star Game just last weekend?
Cleveland still has 22 games left to play. They could lose all of them — a 22-game losing streak — and still make the playoffs . . .
Horton Foote, 1916-2009
My first memory was of stories about the past — a past that, according to the storytellers, was superior in every way to the life then being lived. It didn’t take me long, however, to understand that the present was all we had, for the past was gone and nothing could be done about it.
Stimulus Bill is Creating Jobs
A friend works at a wind energy company. I asked him if he was getting his share of the money from our new planned economy. His response: “We are stimulated! There is some good stuff in there for renewable. We may need to open a DC office just to chase the $$.”
As long as we think that we can grow GDP by having an ever-larger proportion of our best citizens working as full-time lobbyists, it would seem that the stimulus bill is working as advertised.
Americans are Mathematically Illiterate
If anyone ever told you there’s no reason to learn math in school, they are absolutely right!
Americans are so mathematically illiterate that you’re better off learning to speak Klingon if you want anyone to understand you.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I’ve walked through a mathematical demonstration of some concept and gotten back a reply like “Well I don’t see any reason why . . .” or “Let’s have a meeting to discuss that.”
God, it’s painful.
If you’re still in school, don’t bother learning any more math than you absolutely have to. It’ll just come back to haunt you.
Obama the Entertainer
The Dow Jones Industrial Average dropped by 300 points to end below the 6800 mark for the first time in nearly 12 years, as a broad-based selloff seized the markets, sending shares lower in every sector. The S&P 500 briefly dropped below 700 for the first time since October 1996 before ending just at that level amid across-the-board declines, including drops of more than 6% in basic materials, energy, financial and industrial sectors. The Nasdaq Composite Index fell 4%.
Outside the Lines
It’s the last high school roller hockey game of the regular season.
One of the kids’ dads shows up for the first time and asks questions like, “Do they win most of their games?”
Do they win most of their games?! Are you kidding?! You should know that. Even if you don’t come to the games, you could ask your kid when he gets home.
Another dad has a great answer. “Come over here,” he says. “I want to introduce you to your son.”
Over on the moms’ side of the bleachers, they’re talking about financial matters. One woman is sad because they bought their house at the peak of the market and they’re financially stuck in it for the foreseeable future.
Another woman almost cries describing how 14 years of contributions to her husband’s 401k have been totally wiped out.
Meanwhile on the rink, Northwood dominates Capo Valley pretty much as expected . . .
At the Starbucks Drive-Thru
“Welcome to Starbucks. My name is Sam. Would you like to try an apple [something something]?”
I couldn’t understand what he said. “A what?” I asked.
“An apple chai [something].”
“No.”
“Are you sure?”
“Can you say it one more time? I didn’t get the last part.”
“Apple … chai … infusion.”
“I’ll have a venti iced latte.”
“OK. That’s almost as good.”
The poor guy really had his heart set on serving me an apple chai infusion . . .
¡Las Pugs Enmascaradas!
THIS IS THW MOST INSANE THING IV EVER SEEN! IM LAIUGHTING SOHARD I CANR EVEN TYPE1
LOL!!!
— Lightning 
James D. Watson Bobblehead, R.I.P.
The last place I worked, I kept my James D. Watson bobblehead on a cubicle divider, next to a SpongeBob bobblehead that belonged to a colleague.
Everyone who saw these two guys recognized SpongeBob, but not one person ever recognized James D. Watson.
I mean, they knew it was someone named James D. Watson because his name is right there on the base, but despite the fact that he’s holding a double helix structure, nobody recognized him as James D. Watson, Nobel Laureate and co-discoverer of the structure of the DNA molecule.
(Ironically, one of the main reasons I got into software development was the opportunity to work with smart, educated people.)
I brought Watson with me to the place I work now, but unfortunately I accidentally knocked him off a credenza one morning and his head broke off. I tried a couple of times to glue it back on but it didn’t take. So I had to throw him away.
The real James D. Watson is actually still alive at age 80.
Facebook is Crushing My Will to Live
Several ordinary life stories, if told in rapid succession, tend to make life look far more pointless than it really is, probably.
To update that quote for modern times, replace “ordinary life stories, if told” with “Facebook status updates, if read.”
Oh the vapidity . . .
Be on the Lookout for a Hardened Criminal
Man arrested may be linked to Viagra theft
Frugality or Faux Pas
Idaho’s first lady wore the same dress twice — to the gala at Saint Al’s Festival of Trees in November, and then again Sunday to the White House for a dinner with the nation’s governors, the Obamas’ first formal soiree.
Lori Otter bought the dress — a floor-length black Jovani gown — on sale at the local boutique Karen Louise in Downtown Boise, the governor’s office said. The gown retails for about $700, but Otter got it for about $500.
This is news? Out here in the real America, not only do we wear the same clothes–even less expensive items like socks and underwear–dozens of times, but a whole industry has arisen providing equipment, detergents and services for washing clothes between uses.
Here’s What I’ve Done
And when I die
And when I’m dead, dead and gone,
There’ll be one child born
And a world to carry on, to carry on.
It may seem like a small thing, but it’s the best thing I could do. I’ve raised — we’ve raised — and continue to raise, a boy who, at the age of 15, has exceeded me as a person in every way I can think of. He’s even taller than I am.
So when I’m gone, he’ll take over my spot, and the world will be a better place . . .
Life Imitates Dilbert
DOGBERT (running for president): I promise to take money from the people who don’t vote for me and give it to the people who do.
WASHINGTON — President Barack Obama delivered Congress a $3.6 trillion budget blueprint Thursday that hopes to “break from a troubled past” with a sharp shift toward expanded government activism, tax increases on affluent families and businesses, and spending cuts targeted at those he says profited from “an era of profound irresponsibility.”
Shmoop
I posted something on Twitter about helping my son with The Great Gatsby and got what you might call a spam reply from this girl, who said “have u tried http://shmoop.com for The Great Gatsby?”
Evidently Shmoop, which I’d never heard of, has people hanging out on Twitter waiting for someone to mention a book, at which point they send back a “have u tried …” reply.
Lest you think that’s a totally ineffective thing to do, I actually did click over to the Shmoop entry on The Great Gatsby, which starts off like this:
The Great Gatsby is a delightful concoction of MTV Cribs, VH1’s The Fabulous Life Of…, and HBO’s Sopranos. Shake over ice, add a twist of jazz, a spritz of adultery, and the little pink umbrella that completes this long island iced tea and you’ve got yourself a 5 o’clock beverage that, given the 1920’s setting, you wouldn’t be allowed to drink.
So it’s a little bit more hip than Cliffs Notes. I haven’t seen enough of it yet to know if I really like it, but I like it . . .
Bank Error in Your Favor
A Swedish woman got the shock of her life when she found $US1.13 billion ($1.76 billion) more than expected in her bank account.
Hmmm . . . where have I heard of this before? Oh yeah, I remember now . . .
You’re Getting Stimulated
OLYMPIA, Wash. — The state is sending out hundreds of thousands of $1 checks to the state’s neediest residents. It’s a plan that’s supposed to bring millions of dollars worth of food stamps to the state by March.
When you add printing and postage, it seems like a waste, but the state says the economy has them pulling out all the stops to find money wherever they can.
Yeah, it seems like a waste now — but wait till the Keynesian multiplier kicks in!