Overheard
Really Crazy
I had an office visit with my doctor, who is also my wife’s doctor . . .
We always spend a few minutes talking about my wife, who, to use the medical terminology, is “really crazy.”
“She is really crazy,” the doctor says. “I don’t know how you keep your sanity. You always seem so calm. I bow to you.” And she stretches both arms out and actually bows.
I’m glad someone is able to get a laugh out of it.
Then she refills my Paxil prescription so I can make it through the next six months . . .
Drummer Boy
My son had a drum set part in the Northwood Holiday Concert last night . . .
Drum set parts are a showcase for high school percussionists because usually they stand at the back of the orchestra, the audience can’t actually see the instruments, and nobody knows what they’re doing.
He told me after the concert that was the worst he’d ever played that song but it sounded great to me, maybe because I’m a parent . . .
How to Be a Good IT Customer
There’s a guy at work who tells me he’s the best IT customer in the organization.
When I ask him why he’s the best IT customer, he says it’s because he understands that we in IT are very busy so he doesn’t bug us too much.
That’s funny because the person I think is our best customer is just the opposite — she knows what she wants, and she doesn’t mind being difficult if it leads to better results.
Yes we’re busy, but we’re trying to do this stuff as well as we can do it and it helps to get a sense from the customer that the work is important and that doing it well is worthwhile.
Pond Hockey
“I wish I could go back and be eight years old again for a couple days . . .”
The Bloody Olive: A Christmas Film Noir
Blago’s Football
This guy is beyond satire:
[Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich] rarely turns up for work at his official state office in Chicago, former employees say, is unapologetically late to almost everything, and can treat employees with disdain, cursing and erupting in fury for failings as mundane as neglecting to have at hand at all times his preferred black Paul Mitchell hairbrush. He calls the brush “the football,” an allusion to the “nuclear football,” or the bomb codes never to be out of reach of a president.
More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of
People who refer to their favorite sports team in the first person
So instead of “The Lakers didn’t play very well last night but they still won the game,” they’ll say “We didn’t play very well last night but we still won the game.”
We?! What position do you play?
Stormy Weather
The first storm of the season is rolling through Southern California, which means it’s time to bring back the time-honored tradition of sending female TV reporters out to do live weather remotes.
I saw a woman on TV this morning standing in a blizzard to tell me that it’s snowing in the Cajon Pass.
Really?! It always snows in the Cajon Pass. She could have told me the same thing from inside a heated studio.
Some day, one of these women is going to get pneumonia or frostbite and sue this whole sadistic practice out of existence . . .
Higher Education May Soon Be Unaffordable
The rising cost of college — even before the recession — threatens to put higher education out of reach for most Americans, according to the biennial report from the National Center for Public Policy and Higher Education.
Good! Long overdue!
There are way, way, way too many unqualified people getting college degrees. Higher education has been devalued to the point that you can’t swing a cat without knocking down some idiot with a graduate degree.
Time Management
DOGBERT (typing): “Always postpone meetings with time-wasting morons.”
DILBERT (reading over his shoulder): How do you do that?
DOGBERT: Can I get back to you on that?
The Man Who Wasn’t There
I thought I saw one of the dads from my kid’s high school roller hockey team at L.A. Fitness this morning.
He was riding a stationary bike and there was no way I could get where I wanted to go without walking past him.
Great . . . now I’m going to have to take time out of my workout to acknowledge this guy and talk to him.
I hate talking to people when I’m working out. That’s why I come in here at 5 in the morning — because it’s not crowded and I don’t have to talk to anybody.
If this guy’s going to start coming in at 5 and I have to talk to him every morning — even if it’s just to say hello — I swear to Jesus I’m going to start coming in at 4.
Thank god it wasn’t him after all . . .
A T-Shirt with a Gorilla on It
I took my boy to Souplantation for dinner after his hockey game. An Indian kid in the line across from us was wearing a t-shirt with a gorilla on it.
“That Indian guy has a cool shirt,” my son said. “I’d rock that.”
“I’d sport that,” he said.
“I’d don that,” he said.
“I’d . . .”
“I get it. Now shut up so I can focus on my salad.”
A Gay Mexican Guy with a Mohawk
I went to get my hair cut at lunch. There was one guy waiting ahead of me and two stylists — a woman, and a gay Mexican guy with a Mohawk.
Am I a bad person for praying that Mohawk would finish first (he did) and take the other guy?
My son says when he was in Washington, D.C., he saw shops where all the hair cutters were men.
“That’s different,” I explain. “Those are barbers. Barbers don’t mess around with you like stylists. I don’t want a gay guy with a Mohawk running his fingers through my hair. Note the fact that he’s a Mexican doesn’t matter at all. I mean, I’m not a racist or anything.”
I Didn’t Get a Pizza Square
The free sample stand at Trader Joe’s has pizza squares today. They look delicious!
Unfortunately, there are only two left and just ahead of me is a woman with a toddler in her shopping cart.
I’m thinking Just take one and leave one for me but no, she takes both, hands one to the toddler, who immediately drops it face down on the floor . . .
Best 10-Word Explanation of Why the Big 3 Bailout Should Die
We simply cannot ask the American taxpayer to subsidize failure.
An African-American Name
My son needs an African-American name for a character he created in NFL Street.
“How about Kareem of Wheat?” I suggest.
He decides to go with Delondre McWreck . . .
A Mixed Blessing
Reviewing the EppsNet balance sheet: investment accounts down, home equity down. My wife says at least we have our health.
Even that’s a mixed blessing as my retirement planning currently includes dying young before the money runs out . . .
My Dog Sends a Bark Out to the Puppy Heroes
A 3-year-old Virginia boy was rescued Saturday after spending the night in the woods with only his puppies to keep him warm. . . .
Around 300 people helped search for the missing child, and a command center was set up at the local Baptist church.
“God really protected the boy,” Grace Baptist Church Pastor Dave Kline said. “We are happy that we were able to help.”
God is “dog” spelled backwards! I say God could have saved everyone a lot of time by not letting the boy get lost in the first place.
Good thing he had his puppies to keep him warm!
Don’t try this with kittens!
— Lightning 
P.S. That is a photo of me keeping my owner warm when I was a puppy.
EppsNet Snack Bar Reviews: Planet Hockey
For some reason, they’ve stopped selling the chicken teriyaki bowls that used to be the highlight of my visits to this West Covina rink.
I asked the woman at the counter about it and she couldn’t explain it. She was as dumbfounded as I was.
I noticed that the new sausage, egg and cheese muffins were selling like hotcakes so I decided to try one of those. (Ironically, they have hotcakes on the menu and those weren’t selling at all.)
The muffins were delicious — prepared fresh, not like the heat-lamped ones you get at a fast-food place — which sort of made up for the inexplicable discontinuation of the teriyaki bowls.
Unfortunately, the soft pretzels were small and overcooked, and I had to deduct a star for that.
Rating: Two stars (out of five).