Oh, and it’s all right, it’s all right, it’s all right
You can’t be forever blessed
Still, tomorrow’s going to be another working day
And I’m trying to get some rest
That’s all I’m trying
To get some rest
Thinking About It
My son is stick-handling a hockey ball on the hardwood floor in the family room, when I notice a skate wrench lying on the table.
I say, “Why don’t you put that skate wrench in your hockey bag?”
“Okay,” he says.
“Why don’t you do it now, while you’re thinking about it?”
“Okay,” he says.
A couple minutes later, when he’s still stick-handling and the wrench is still lying there, I say, “While you’re thinking about it, why don’t you put that skate wrench in your hockey bag?”
“Okay,” he says.
“That’s the third time you’ve said okay, and the wrench is still there.”
“I’m still thinking about it.”
Stacking Plates is Woman’s Work
After Thanksgiving dinner, the hostess asked everyone to please stack their dishes and bring them into the kitchen.
I started to stand up — not to stack dishes because my wife had already picked up my dishes — but just to stretch my legs, when my dad, who was sitting next to me, put his hand on my arm and whispered, “Don’t get up. That’s woman’s work.”
I said, “I’m just getting up to stretch.”
“Don’t move,” he said.
My dad, like a lot of men his age, has old school views on gender roles.
Earlier in the evening, my mom was saying she’d read that women control 60 percent of the wealth in America.
“That’s all right,” my dad said, “because we control the women.”
Compare that to one of my nephews, who says things like “I’m nobody’s patsy,” then turns to his wife and says, “Isn’t that right, honey?”
I’ll Take a Pass on the ‘Master’ Chorale
My dad asked me at Thanksgiving dinner if I wanted to bring my family along to an L.A. Master Chorale concert that he and my mom and my sister are going to next month. Tickets range from $24 to $68.
I said, “There isn’t really anyone at my house who’d enjoy that. We’re philistines. In fact, to be honest with you, I’d be more interested in watching American Idol. Now, I’ve never seen American Idol, but at least it’s free and I wouldn’t have to leave my house.
“And what’s with calling yourself the ‘Master’ Chorale anyway? What hubris! Who gives themselves a title like that? ‘Listen to us! We’re the masters of choral music!’ Oh yeah? Why don’t you just sing something and let people decide for themselves what masters you are.
“I mean, if you play third base, you don’t tell everyone what a great third baseman you are. You just play third base and let people see for themselves if you’re great or not. Right?”
Now, I stand by every word of that . . . I just wish someone had told me ahead of time that my brother-in-law, who was in attendance at the dinner, is in the Master Chorale . . .
Thanksgiving Pies
Pumpkin pie is my favorite Thanksgiving food, but for throwing in someone’s face, a cream pie becomes the preferred choice.
The reason I mention that is that at the Thanksgiving family get-together, one of my nieces, age 19 or 20, announced that she’s always wanted to take a pie in the face.
My ex-sister-in-law was more than happy to oblige and immediately started looking around to see what was available.
Now a pretty girl taking a pie in the face is not only hilarious, it’s also — dare I say it — kinda hot. Am I right?
So it was a real disappointment to find that the only pies available were mince, apple and pumpkin. No cream pies.
Well, maybe next year . . .
The Drudge Report is the Pug of Web Sites
I read where someone said the Drudge Report is one of the best designed sites on the web. A lot of people say the Drudge Report is ugly.
Ha! A lot of people say pugs are ugly too. It doesn’t matter to me. Beautiful and ugly are just opposites that people made up. According to the Tao, there are no opposites.
The Drudge Report is the pug of web sites.
— Lightning 
Software Tips from Bjarne Stroustrup
Here are 38 tips from the designer of the C++ programming language.
These in particular jumped out at me:
[5] Don’t try technological fixes for sociological problems
[8] Design processes to encourage feedback
[9] Don’t confuse activity for progress
[10] Don’t generalize beyond what is needed, what you have direct experience with, and what can be tested
[19] Use existing systems as models, as inspiration, and as starting points
[22] Design for change, focusing on flexibility, extensibility, portability, and reuse
[27] Keep it small. Don’t add features “just in case”
[29] Repeatedly review and refine both the design and the implementation
[31] Experiment, analyse, and test as early as possible and as often as possible
Good Places for the Blues
Good places for the Blues: a. highway b. jailhouse c. empty bed d. bottom of a whiskey glass
Bad places for the Blues: a. Nordstrom’s b. gallery openings c. Ivy League institutions d. golf courses
Is That a Primate in Your Pocket? Etc.
A Handful of Editors
It used to be that a handful of editors could decide what was news–and what was not. They acted as sort of demigods. If they ran a story, it became news. If they ignored an event, it never happened. Today, editors are losing this power. The Internet, for example, provides access to thousands of new sources that cover things an editor might ignore. And if you aren’t satisfied with that, you can start up your own blog, and cover and comment on the news yourself. Journalists like to think of themselves as watchdogs, but they haven’t always responded well when the public calls them to account.
A recent American study reported that many editors and reporters simply do not trust their readers to make good decisions. Let’s be clear about what this means. This is a polite way of saying that these editors and reporters think their readers are too stupid to think for themselves.
A Perfect Game
I was reading about a guy, 62 years old, been bowling in the same league for 45 years . . . he achieves his lifelong dream of bowling a perfect 300 game, and then, to make it even more perfect, immediately keels over and dies.
What a way to go! It’s so important to die at the right time if you want to be remembered at your best.
Actuarially speaking, 62 years is not a long lifespan. But let’s say the guy had lived another 20 years — he would have accomplished nothing and probably wasted away in an old-age home.
Who wants to be remembered like that?
Poor guy. Look at him. Would you believe that 20 years ago he bowled a perfect game?
What I Learned Today at Hair Masters
If you look like Larry Fine with one day to live, do not get your hair colored. You’re wasting your time and money and holding up the other patrons.
Why Spending Stimulus Plans Fail
Congress doesn’t have its own stash [of money]. Every dollar it injects into the economy must first be taxed or borrowed out of the economy. No new spending power is created. It’s merely redistributed from one group of people to another.
As you probably learned in school, we founded this country as a free-market economy and viewed government intervention in the market with the greatest skepticism.
The above article is the clearest explanation I’ve seen for why bailouts and “stimulus plans” involving government spending never work.
The latest failed companies hoping for a bailout are General Motors and Ford. I hope Henry Ford — a great American like myself, who is currently whirling like a lathe in his Detroit grave — will pardon me for saying so, but these companies are nothing but engines of mass financial destruction.
According to the WSJ, GM and Ford invested a combined $465 billion between 1998 and 2007.
As of last Friday’s market close, they had market caps of $4 billion (Ford) and $1.7 billion (GM).
They’ve wiped out almost $460 billion of American capital in the last 10 years and now they want more money.
Look — my friend Paul Epps has a sister who spent every dollar she ever had on booze, drugs and abortions. For a while, friends and family members tried to help her by giving her money when she didn’t have any.
Do I have to tell you how that turned out?
I’m not suggesting that executives at Ford and GM spent the $460 billion on booze, drugs and abortions — not all of it anyway — but I am saying that sometimes people who don’t have any money can’t be helped by giving them more money.
Love in the Parking Lot
I stop the car to let a man and woman cross the parking lot in front of us.
The man is fat and hairy. The woman is rubbing his neck affectionately.
I say to my son, “That’s what I need is a woman who worships me, even if I’m a fat, hairy slob. Which I’m not, so I should get twice as much neck rubbing.”
Puppy Cam!
I can still remember so clearly when I was a puppy with all my brothers and sisters.
I can’t believe 35 dog years have gone by so fast!
Good thing I can still keep in touch with them through my blog!
— Lightning
Sting Operation
What a humanitarian! And what did he do next? Set them free?
Free, free, set them free . . .
With Friends Like That . . .
Ouch! What did he do to people he didn’t like?
I’ve Got an Idea for a TV Show
It would be like Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, but the twist is that instead of fixing people’s homes, we’d sneak around under cover of darkness and give homes an extreme makeover by burning them down, blowing them up, felling large trees on top of them, etc.
For added poignancy, the victims will be cripples, retards, members of minority groups, impoverished people with way too many kids, or some combination of the above.
Now that’s great television!
The Obamas Should Get a Pug
I read this weekend that the Obamas are trying to decide what kind of dog to get when they move into the White House.
I recommend a pug puppy. Pugs possess the heart of a giant. They are brave, intelligent, loving, and excellent with kids!
The AKC took a vote and people said the Obamas should get a poodle.
I hate to say it, but poodles are not very smart. Or brave. But even a poodle is better than a cat.
Cats appeal to single women with low self-esteem, but real Americans like the Obamas should have a dog.
— Lightning
Design Breakthrough of the Week
I saw one of these upside-down bottles at Black Angus the other night . . .
The frustrated diner battling a ketchup bottle is part of our cultural vocabulary, and the solution turns out to be as simple as turning the problem upside down!?
I couldn’t decide if this was a stroke of brilliance or whether we’re all fools for not thinking of it decades ago . . .