Why Spending Stimulus Plans Fail

 

Congress doesn’t have its own stash [of money]. Every dollar it injects into the economy must first be taxed or borrowed out of the economy. No new spending power is created. It’s merely redistributed from one group of people to another.

— Brian Reidl, The Wall Street Journal

As you probably learned in school, we founded this country as a free-market economy and viewed government intervention in the market with the greatest skepticism.

Thomas Jefferson

The above article is the clearest explanation I’ve seen for why bailouts and “stimulus plans” involving government spending never work.

The latest failed companies hoping for a bailout are General Motors and Ford. I hope Henry Ford — a great American like myself, who is currently whirling like a lathe in his Detroit grave — will pardon me for saying so, but these companies are nothing but engines of mass financial destruction.

According to the WSJ, GM and Ford invested a combined $465 billion between 1998 and 2007.

As of last Friday’s market close, they had market caps of $4 billion (Ford) and $1.7 billion (GM).

They’ve wiped out almost $460 billion of American capital in the last 10 years and now they want more money.

Look — my friend Paul Epps has a sister who spent every dollar she ever had on booze, drugs and abortions. For a while, friends and family members tried to help her by giving her money when she didn’t have any.

Do I have to tell you how that turned out?

I’m not suggesting that executives at Ford and GM spent the $460 billion on booze, drugs and abortions — not all of it anyway — but I am saying that sometimes people who don’t have any money can’t be helped by giving them more money.

I’ve Got an Idea for a TV Show

 
Extreme home makeover

It would be like Extreme Makeover: Home Edition, but the twist is that instead of fixing people’s homes, we’d sneak around under cover of darkness and give homes an extreme makeover by burning them down, blowing them up, felling large trees on top of them, etc.

For added poignancy, the victims will be cripples, retards, members of minority groups, impoverished people with way too many kids, or some combination of the above.

Now that’s great television!

The Obamas Should Get a Pug

 
Lightning sleepy

I read this weekend that the Obamas are trying to decide what kind of dog to get when they move into the White House.

I recommend a pug puppy. Pugs possess the heart of a giant. They are brave, intelligent, loving, and excellent with kids!

The AKC took a vote and people said the Obamas should get a poodle.

I hate to say it, but poodles are not very smart. Or brave. But even a poodle is better than a cat.

Cats appeal to single women with low self-esteem, but real Americans like the Obamas should have a dog.

— Lightning paw

Design Breakthrough of the Week

 
Upside-down ketchup bottle

I saw one of these upside-down bottles at Black Angus the other night . . .

The frustrated diner battling a ketchup bottle is part of our cultural vocabulary, and the solution turns out to be as simple as turning the problem upside down!?

I couldn’t decide if this was a stroke of brilliance or whether we’re all fools for not thinking of it decades ago . . .

Clothing-Optional Voting

 

LAND O’ LAKES, Fla. (AP) – A nudist community on Florida’s west coast wants to establish the first clothing-optional polling site. The Caliente Resorts, located in Pasco County north of Tampa, has approached election officials about the idea.

Overheard at Florida’s clothing-optional polling place:

Hey, Chad! How’s it hanging?

The Handsome Men in Our Family

 

We’ve got plenty of mirrors in the house, but for some reason, our son has come into our room to comb his hair in our mirror . . .

“What a handsome boy!” his mom says.

I say, “Like his pappy.”

“He’s got me in him too,” she says. “My dad was handsome. And my uncles are very handsome. You haven’t seen them.”

I can’t resist mentioning that her brother, who I have seen, is anything but handsome.

“I don’t know what happened to him,” she says.

No Accountability Without Volition

 

There is no accountability without volition, you’ve noticed, right? You can’t go “You got to ship that by November 1st and I am holding you accountable.” It doesn’t work that way.

You can’t hold someone else accountable, you’ve got to hold yourself accountable. It’s just like you can’t motivate someone else; you got to motivate yourself. And the more that you motivate people and hold them accountable, the more infantile they become.

We Are Not (Just) Nerds

 

One thing that I resent about our computer culture is that they say we are nerds and that nerds don’t get along with people. I think that’s just insane. We are not just nerds — we are nerds, I mean, look at us! But we are not just nerds, we are like the priests or something in the Middle Ages, we are the Lords and Ladies of Logic. We are in charge of rationality for our era. We are bringing common sense and good practice and sound judgment and aggregated wisdom and glory to everyone.

That’s our job.

I posted this quote on a blog at work and IT people were calling each other nerds all day.

Good morning, nerd! How’s it going, nerd?

Being a nerd felt like, like being a hero — just for one day.

The Lost Art of the Hickey

 

One of my co-workers came to the office today with an obvious hickey between her neck and shoulder, but she thought I was juvenile for noticing it.

Ready for your present?

“How old are you again?” she asked.

“Old enough to remember hickeys obviously.”

“Don’t you mean ‘Not too old to have forgotten hickeys’? You think young people don’t know what hickeys are?”

Maybe I should have said, “Old enough to remember when hickeys were a standard element of the teenage repertoire.”

But actually, I don’t think kids know what hickeys are. I haven’t even heard the word “hickey” in years. I think hickeys, like plaid pants, are a relic of a bygone era.

Girls are much more forward now, if the messages in my son’s yearbooks are any indication. If girls are offering oral sex in junior high school, what are you going to say? “Can I give you a hickey first”?

P.S. As I suspected, my 15-year-old son has no idea what a hickey is.

Plaid Pants

 
Plaid pants

In the process of rearranging things in the house last weekend, my wife found a box of pictures of me as a boy and showed them to our son.

“Dude, those were funny,” he says. “There’s one of you sitting on a motorcycle –” He makes an angry face and pantomimes driving a motorcycle. “Vroom! Vroom! And you’re wearing — ha, ha — you’re wearing a pair of –” Now he’s laughing so hard he can hardly talk, but he manages to spit out “– plaid pants!” before collapsing in a coughing, sputtering fit.

I explain to him that plaid pants were popular in the 1970s.

“Mom!” he yells downstairs. “Where’s that box of pictures of Dad?”

“Under the desk in the den,” she yells back.

“I’ve seen those pictures,” I say, “so if you’re planning to show them to me and laugh about it, you’re wasting your time.”

“I’ve just got to see them again myself . . .”

Thomas Jefferson’s Election Blog

 
Thomas Jefferson

Firstly, I’d like to thank Paul Epps for giving me this space on his web site to express my humble views. He is a real American.

What concerns me today is that a candidate for president, Barack Obama, has said that he wants to “spread the wealth around” in America.

It was a long time ago, but let me remind those of you who didn’t pay attention in history class that we founded this country as a rebellion against a too-powerful government. We believed in — and fought for — self-reliance and freedom, including the economic freedom to earn a dollar and spend it any way you want to.

When someone tells you that he is going to decide how much money you can earn before he starts taking it away from you and giving it to someone else, that man is a scoundrel.

And when Americans — the descendants of rebels and revolutionaries — can listen to this and fail to rise up in dissent, it makes me want to vomit for what this once-great nation has become.

Father-Son Conversations

 

FATHER: Would you take out the trash please?

SON: Are you KIDDING?! I’m doing homework! I’ll take out the trash if you read To Kill a Mockingbird and tell me what each chapter is about.

FATHER: I’ve read To Kill a Mockingbird. You want to know what it’s about? ‘Racism is Bad.’ Now take out the garbage.

 

SON: Mom said my dinner was going to be ready by now and she hasn’t even started cooking it yet.

FATHER: You’re a big boy. Why don’t you make something yourself?

SON: I’m really not happy with the service I’m receiving here.

 

SON: So was Mom pretty horny when you first met her?

FATHER: Oh Jesus . . .

Another Difference Between Dogs and Cats

 

My owner was telling me about a conversation he had with a co-worker, explaining to her that dogs have a special relationship with humans.

Lightning at the Dog Park

“So do cats,” she said.

“Would your cat save you if you were drowning?” he asked.

“No, but your dog wouldn’t save you either.”

“He sure would.”

“He’s not any bigger than your head.”

“He would try to do something.”

“Exactly. He’d make things worse.”

That’s not very nice and if I ever meet this woman I’m going to growl at her.

I’m not a big dog like Lassie or Rin Tin Tin, but I’m not a cat either, so I would definitely try to save him.

It’s a roll of the dice. I might save him or I might kill both of us, but he was going to drown anyway and I don’t want to be alive without him.

If you want to see how dogs and cats think differently under pressure, read this story about a family with two dogs and one cat. One of the dogs died trying (successfully) to save the family and (unsuccessfully) to save the other dog. The cat escaped unharmed.

Dogs will risk their lives trying to save humans and other dogs. If you’re a cat owner, you’re on your own.

— Lightning paw