Raising the Confident Child

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I know a guy — let’s call him Goofus . . .

Goofus is dumb. I don’t mean that in a colloquial way. I don’t mean that he’s uneducated. I mean he clearly has a subnormal level of intelligence.

The most striking thing about him though is that he’s completely unaware of his own limitations. I’ve never heard him utter anything but platitudes and nonsense but in his mind, he’s the most interesting man in the world.

So many kids by the age of 12 or so have had their confidence in their own abilities extinguished by parents and teachers, that I really have to give Goofus’s parents a lot of credit.

I’m not kidding. They raised a supremely confident idiot.

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Breast Awareness Month

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Pink ribbon

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month . . .

Were you aware of that? Not to make light of breast cancer, but what a waste of a month. I mean, who is not aware of breast cancer? Being unaware of breast cancer is like being unaware of breasts.

Hmmmm . . .

How about this: Breast Awareness Month! More of a fun, celebratory thing instead of the whole downer vibe around cancer . . .

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Other Than That . . .

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Lightning sign

We had a power outage at the office around 8:30 in the morning in the middle of a thunderstorm.

I work with the overhead lights off in my office anyway. The wall behind me is mostly one big window so I get enough light from that.

A co-worker poked his head in the door to say, “Since you work in the dark, you probably didn’t notice the power outage.”

“I noticed the lights went out in the hallway,” I said. “And I noticed that my computer shut down with 12 programs open. Other than that, business as usual.”

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Homework Follies

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Boy doing math problems

My son just came downstairs for a visit . . .

“‘What’s due tomorrow?'” he says in his Dopey Dad voice.

Then back in his normal voice: “Math and Spanish. (Dopey Dad voice) ‘Are they done yet?’ (Normal voice) Spanish is done. I still have a little bit of math. (Dopey Dad voice) ‘Do you need me to check anything?’ (Normal voice) No.”

Now he’s waiting for a reaction from me, which he’s not going to get.

“I just did your job for you,” he says.

“Thanks!”

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Mommy’s Water

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Roller hockey season is starting up again . . .

I don’t know why but I was thinking about one of the moms from last year’s team — she brought bottles of water to the tournaments, some filled with actual water for her kid, and some filled with vodka for herself.

To the untrained eye, they looked identical. I think she may have filled the vodka bottles to a little less than capacity so she could tell them apart. More than once I heard her saying, “Not that one, honey. That’s Mommy’s water.”

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Getting Behind

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Something this morning reminded me of one of my old calculus teachers . . .

He had a signature “joke” that he’d make whenever he or someone in the class mentioned being behind on something:

“I don’t mind getting a little behind once in a while.”

DOUBLE MEANING! GET IT?

No one ever laughed. There were always just a few seconds of ghastly silence.

Man, that guy was creepy . . .

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To Kill a Mockingbird

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To Kill a Mockingbird

I took my son to the bookstore to buy To Kill a Mockingbird for his English class. They had two paperback editions available — one with a fancy binding for $15.95 and another one for three dollars less.

I pulled the cheaper one off the shelf and my son asked, “Why are we getting that one?”

I said, “Because it’s three dollars less for the same book.”

“I like the other cover better,” he said.

“Gimme three dollars.”

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More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of

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As some day it may happen that a victim must be found,
     I’ve got a little list–I’ve got a little list
Of society offenders who might well be underground,
     And who never would be missed–who never would be missed!

— W.S. Gilbert, The Mikado

People who say “pitcher” when they mean “picture” . . .

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I Think Trees are Overrated

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My son and I are watching Monday Night Football when an ad comes on in which every somber, sallow-faced environmentalist in the state is telling me to vote No on Proposition 7.

I say to the boy, “You know, I don’t even know what Proposition 7 is, but if all of these sanctimonious pricks are against it, then I’m for it. GO HUMP A TREE, YOU PUSSIES!”

The dog, who, unlike other members of the family, loves to hear the sound of my voice, jumps up on the sofa and starts licking my face.

“That’s right, pup. Lightning says he doesn’t care about trees either, except that he likes to pee on them.”

My son sighs and says, “We need trees” — very slowly, like he’s talking to an idiot.

“Oh . . . well in that case, put me down as Undecided.”

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Huck Finn Uses the N-Word

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Huck and Jim on the raft

My son had an assignment this weekend to write an essay on cultural values vs. personal values in Huckleberry Finn.

The teacher didn’t assign the whole book, just an excerpt in which Huck has to decide whether or not to send Jim, the escaped slave, back to Miss Watson.

So I read through the excerpt and sure enough, it includes multiple uses of what’s now known as “the N-word.”

I asked the boy, “Did Mr. Murano discuss with you guys about Mark Twain’s use of the word ‘nigger’?”

“No,” he said. “But in case you hadn’t noticed, our school is mostly Asian. Now if Mark Twain had overused the word ‘chink,’ then we’d have a problem.”

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Fun with Charts

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Ticket graph

I use charts like this one to track open project tickets, color-coded by priority.

At a meeting last week, I pointed out that the number of open tickets on this particular project had peaked out at 70 and was now dropping faster than the value of my house, at which one of the attendees laughed more enthusiastically than I thought was necessary.

“Why is that funny?” I asked. I mean, it was supposed to be a little funny, but not laugh-out-loud funny.

“I’ve been there,” she said.

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Goofus on Software

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When Gallant has a question for someone, he walks down the hall and asks it.

Goofus keeps fruitless email threads going for weeks.

Here’s an excerpt from the comment thread on a trouble ticket regarding a database record with an incorrect status code.

Goofus

comment 7563 posted by goofus on 2008-09-10 8:53 AM
I did change the status code in test and this did fix the problem. However, we need to speak with JS regarding this issue as to how this will be affected in production.

comment 7611 posted by me on 2008-09-12 9:15 AM
Let's get JS's response so we can close this.

comment 7621 posted by goofus on 2008-09-12 9:52 AM
Emailed JS regarding this issue. Waiting on a response.

comment 7637 posted by goofus on 2008-09-12 2:49 PM
JS is out of the office until Tuesday, 9/16.

comment 7773 posted by goofus on 2008-09-18 2:05 PM
Sent another email to JS regarding this issue.

comment 7794 posted by me on 2008-09-18 3:30 PM
You may want to consider walking over and talking to her.

comment 7800 posted by goofus on 2008-09-18 3:47 PM
Received a return email from JS and now will be working with MS on this issue. Sent her an email for her input.

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Wishing and Hoping: A Metaphor

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Wish Hope Dream

“Where’d you get the Wish Hope Dream Post-Its?” I ask a co-worker.

“Why?” she asks. “Is that your mantra?”

“No, I was thinking more along the lines of wishes, hopes and dreams being peeled away one by one until you’re left with nothing.”

“That’s an optimistic way of looking at it.”

“It sure is.”

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