I Made a Mistake on the Hockey Jerseys

by  on 
 

OK, I made a mistake on the hockey jerseys . . .

My son’s playing on a new team this season so I had to order new jerseys for him. They asked me what name I wanted to put on the back and I don’t know why, but I gave his first name instead of his last name.

It’s the only thing he talked about all weekend.

“I had my first name on my jersey in second grade!” he said. (He’s in seventh now.) “Does Steve Yzerman have ‘Steve'” — he draws out the “e” sound to make it sound extra ridiculous — “on the back of his jersey? NO! ‘GOAL, NUMBER 19! STEEEEVE!'”

Every time I tried to talk to him about something else, he’d look at me with a goofy blank stare on his face.

“Did you understand what I just said?” I’d ask.

“Does Teemu Selanne have TEEMU on the back of his jersey? . . .”

Related Posts

  1. UC Berkeley Roller Hockey
  2. Hockey is Fun!
  3. Hockey Parents

Private Military Companies Better Than the UN?

by  on 
 

As the international community dithers over Darfur, private military companies say they’ve got what it takes to stop the carnage, if only someone would hire them.

— The Boston Globe

Why is that not a good idea? Could they possibly do a worse job than the UN?

OK, you could raise objections regarding accountability and the responsibility of the international community, but . . .

”This came up a long time ago. People were saying that if we use private sector in the Congo, the international community will never get its act together,” says industry spokesman Doug Brooks. ”But that was 3 million dead Congolese ago. The international community isn’t going to wake up no matter how many people you kill. I think that it would be a good idea for the international community to get its act together. But we’ve got to find another way.”

Related Posts

  1. Private Eyes
  2. Across U.S. Companies, Tax Rates Vary Greatly – Interactive Feature – NYTimes.com
  3. Amazon Devices Recording Private Conversations?

Why God Builds Gated Communities

by  on 
 

I’m looking over this flyer for a church group meeting that my son’s going to next week. It’s being held at a member’s house in a gated community, so the flyer has directions, as well as an entry code for the security gate.

“Jesus wouldn’t like gated communities,” I say. “He was very welcoming to all people. This is racist. They’re trying to keep out blacks and Mexicans.”

Read more

Related Posts

  1. Would Jesus Tow My Car?
  2. It’s All Part of God’s Plan
  3. I’d Like to Believe in the Existence of a Loving God . . .

How Homework Gets Done at My House

by  on 
 
Catherine, Called Birdy cover image

My son’s reading Catherine, Called Birdy for his 7th grade Language Arts class. The book is set in medieval England and written in the form of a 14-year-old girl’s diary.

“It’s got no theme, no plot, no flow, no fun, no nothing!” the boy says. “It’s gay!”

I sympathize with him — it reads like a 13th century MySpace blog — but that doesn’t change the fact that he has to read it.

“I refuse to read this book!” he says.

“You can’t,” his mom replies.

“I have a restraining order! Catherine has to stay 10 feet away from me.” And he tosses the book into the middle of the living room.

I look over at my wife . . . her eyes are now closed and she’s biting on her lower lip, accompanied by a slow, dramatic intake of breath, all of which suggests that clowntime is just about over . . .

Related Posts

  1. Homework Follies
  2. Homework Follies
  3. Homework Follies

3 Former Titans of Industry Now Having a Worse Day Than You

by  on 
 
  • Ken Lay – On trial for conspiracy and fraud. Could get 20 to 30 years in prison. Not good if you’re already 64 years old.
  • Scott McNealy – Following yet another dismal financial report, resigns as Sun’s CEO after 22 years.
  • Sanjay Kumar – Former CA Inc. CEO pleads guilty in $2.2 billion accounting fraud, faces up to 20 years in prison.

Related Posts

  1. Sun Microsystems Circles the Drain
  2. Now You Know Why Democrats Oppose Voter ID Laws
  3. Overheard

Sun Microsystems Circles the Drain

by  on 
 

Sun Microsystems Inc. said co-founder Scott McNealy will give up the job of chief executive to the No. 2 person at the company, Jonathan Schwartz, a historic transition for a computer maker facing stiff pressure to cut costs and boost revenue.

— The Wall Street Journal

So long, funny man!

Read more

Related Posts

  1. Disband Man
  2. The Da Vinci Code
  3. 3 Former Titans of Industry Now Having a Worse Day Than You

World of Warcraft

by  on 
 

My kid’s explaining World of Warcraft to me . . . if I understand it correctly, it’s like an old-fashioned game of Capture the Flag, but with some killing. And yet as I’m watching him play it, it looks more like World of Running Pointlessly Through a Forest. There’s no warcraft, no nothing.

“Dude,” he says, “that’s because I’m at Level 6. When you get to, like, Level 19, there’s more warfare.”

“Maybe it should be called World of Jogging Aimlessly Through the Fields Picking Flowers Like a Girl Until You Get to Level 19,” I suggest.

“You don’t pick flowers, stupid. You quest.”

Related Posts

  1. Sports Parents Are Ruining the World
  2. World War II Memorial Opens
  3. World Series Recap

Talking Calumny

by  on 
 

“I pity the fool who talks calumny about me,” my son informs me.

I question his pronunciation of the word “calumny.”

“I pronounced it right,” he says, “but I’m down wid it either way. I’m apathetic about it.”

OK . . . call me Kreskin, but I’m predicting that a new list of vocabulary words just came out at school.

Related Posts

  1. What People Want to Pronounce
  2. Convergences
  3. What Does Merriam Webster Know?

It’s a Guy!

by  on 
 

My son’s looking over a Guy Kawasaki blog post that I printed out . . .

“What’s this gay Kawasaki stuff?” he asks.

“It’s Guy Kawasaki,” I say. “It’s somebody’s name.”

“Guy Kawasaki is someone’s name?! What a loser! Hey, Guy! How’s it going, Guy? That guy over there is a pretty cool guy, don’t you think so, Guy? His parents must be losers too. Who names a kid Guy? Congratulations, it’s a guy!”

Related Posts

  1. A Gay Mexican Guy with a Mohawk
  2. Better, Faster and Cheaper?
  3. The Chevron Guy

We Are Not Responsible

by  on 
 

We’re having dinner at the Irvine Souplantation when my kid notices a posted sign: We Cannot be Responsible for Lost or Stolen Items.

“Oh really?” he says. “What if they’re your items? Can I walk out of here with this cup? How about some plates and silverware?”

“I see your point,” I say. “That soft-serve yogurt machine would look great in our kitchen . . .”

Related Posts

  1. Kids Eat Free
  2. Souplantation, 1978-2020
  3. Never Wait in Buffet Lines Again

My Kid Asks for Money

by  on 
 

“Give me money or give me death! And if you give me death, I’m going to give you death, so I recommend giving me money.

“And if you kill me, when Mom gets home you’re going to have to make up some lame excuse like ‘Somebody broke into the house and killed him.’ So again, I recommend just giving me the money.”

Related Posts

  1. Other People’s Money
  2. Does Money Buy Happiness?
  3. We Don’t Have the Money, So We Have to Think