I see things around the house, like a bike that’s too small now, and think about the kid who used to ride it, and how I loved that kid, and now he’s gone . . .
Brain Teaser
This was posed to me in an interview. I don’t know if there’s a “right” answer, or whether it’s just intended to probe the thinking process of the applicant.
You have 50 white marbles, 50 black marbles and two bags. Your task is to arrange the marbles in the bags so as to maximize the probability that a person making a blind selection from one of the bags will select a black marble.
Yowzah!
O to be yielded to you whoever you are, and you to be yielded to me
in defiance of the world!
O to return to paradise! O bashful and feminine!
O to draw you to me, to plant on you for the first time the lips of a
determin’d man!
Stuff They Don’t Teach You in School
A client I’m working with is rewarding the top 20 percent of its sales force by flying them to Lake Tahoe for a 3-day weekend.
An enterprising competitor might say to himself, “Hmmm . . . what if something were to happen to that plane?”
Now there’s something they don’t teach you at Harvard Business School.
Useless Reports
A client is paying me to streamline its reporting system. Like many companies, they produce a lot of reports, most of them not very useful.
So far, my choice for the least useful, or most useless, is one titled “All Sales Data in Database.”
Guess what it prints?
If you said all the sales data in the database, you’re right!
It’s a big report . . .
First Library Card Discovered
Something I found around the house this weekend: my son’s first library card. It’s four or five years old now, it’s expired, but I still remember how proud I was when he got it. It’s hard to say why . . . I knew he could read a little bit, write his name — not very well, but still . . .
I think at the time I was feeling that, for better or worse, he wasn’t a baby anymore, and here was the proof . . .
Introducing a 9-Year-Old to Yoga
“You learn to breathe with your whole body. So you breeeeathe in from the bottom of your feet up to the top of your head, and you breeeeathe out from the top of your head to the bottom of your feet . . .”
“Can’t you just use your nose or mouth?”
HW’s Video Game Reviews
NBA Street
The most racially insensitive video game I’ve ever seen.
Every black character is a prancing, jive-talking buffoon, there’s a 7-foot-6 Japanese guy with a four-word English vocabulary — “Not in my house” — delivered with an accent straight out of a Godzilla movie, and followed by inscrutable grunting and mumbling . . .
And so on.
My kid loves it.
Overheard at Bob Hope’s 100th Birthday Party
“I wanna tell ya, this Bob Hope is really funny.”
“You are Bob Hope.”
“I am?! Am I still alive?”
Good News, Bad News
After more than two months out of work, The Programmer lands a consulting job . . .
Good news: I get paid and I need the cash.
Bad news: I work for a guy who delivers insights like
“See, now it’s not just about working better-faster-cheaper, it’s about working smarter!”
in the tone of someone who just found a cure for cancer, or who thinks that without him, we’d all be actively seeking out ways to work stupider.
More good news: He doesn’t micromanage my work, because he has no comprehension of what it is I actually do.
Thus spoke The Programmer.
My 9-Year-Old Kid’s Current Favorite Expressions
- Who cares?
- What’s your point?
- Serves you right.
He sometimes abbreviates them as “WC?”, “WYP?” and “SYR.”
Another favorite — borrowed from Calvin and Hobbes/Spaceman Spiff — is you say something to him and he responds,”‘GLOP GLOP GLORP.’ The alien being is trying to say something.”
HW’s Book Reviews
Rich Dad, Poor Dad by Robert T. Kiyosaki with Sharon L. Lechter C.P.A.
And I know a father who had a son
He longed to tell him all the reasons for the things he’d done
He came a long way just to explain
He kissed his boy as he lay sleeping
Then he turned around and he headed home again
Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories.
You might get the idea from reading this book that being rich is synonymous with being happy. I’ve never seen any indication that that’s true.
HW’s True Hollywood Stories
Clara “Auntie Em” Blandick
Clara Blandick was born June 4, 1880, aboard an American ship in the harbor off Hong Kong.
She appeared in over 100 films, most notably as Auntie Em in The Wizard of Oz (1939).
In later years, she suffered from severe arthritis and failing eyesight.
Happy Mother’s Day
The hand that rocks the cradle
Is the hand that rules the world.
Motherhood meant I have written four fewer books, but I know more about life.
The joys of parents are secret, and so are their griefs and fears.
Kill the Model Prisoners
His attorneys sought clemency on the grounds that he had been a “model prisoner.”
I think if that’s the best thing you can say about someone, it’s time to go ahead and kill him.
Footnote: That’s a terrible headline. Did he kill a woman who had a knife? Was he executed with a knife? Some people might argue that that’s cruel and unusual, although I wouldn’t oppose it personally . . .
Warren Buffett on Financial Reports
If I can’t understand it, the management probably doesn’t want me to understand it. And if management doesn’t want me to understand it, there is probably something wrong going on.
Heat Miser
I saw a guy at lunch today who’d dyed his hair red and spiked it, making him look more like a real life Heat Miser than anyone I’ve ever seen . . .
Genealogy: Who Cares?
I found myself involved in a genealogy discussion the other night, and I guess I disappointed everyone by admitting that I don’t know the origin of the name Epps, nor am I all that curious about it.
Talking to Recruiters
The Programmer has been out of work for more than two months now . . .
A recruiter called me the other day, and in the course of our conversation, he asked me which “business requirements methods” I’ve used.
I said, “I’m not exactly sure what you mean by that.”
After a pause, he said, “I’m not really sure what it means either. I’m kind of new at this.”
“Well, go ahead and read the next question, then . . .”
Thus spoke The Programmer.
Your Résumé is Quite Impressive
Possible responses:
- It should be. I wrote it.
- It’s the only thing more impressive than my actual accomplishments.