The hand that rocks the cradle
Is the hand that rules the world.
Motherhood meant I have written four fewer books, but I know more about life.
The joys of parents are secret, and so are their griefs and fears.
Kill the Model Prisoners
His attorneys sought clemency on the grounds that he had been a “model prisoner.”
I think if that’s the best thing you can say about someone, it’s time to go ahead and kill him.
Footnote: That’s a terrible headline. Did he kill a woman who had a knife? Was he executed with a knife? Some people might argue that that’s cruel and unusual, although I wouldn’t oppose it personally . . .
Warren Buffett on Financial Reports
If I can’t understand it, the management probably doesn’t want me to understand it. And if management doesn’t want me to understand it, there is probably something wrong going on.
Heat Miser
I saw a guy at lunch today who’d dyed his hair red and spiked it, making him look more like a real life Heat Miser than anyone I’ve ever seen . . .
Genealogy: Who Cares?
I found myself involved in a genealogy discussion the other night, and I guess I disappointed everyone by admitting that I don’t know the origin of the name Epps, nor am I all that curious about it.
Talking to Recruiters
The Programmer has been out of work for more than two months now . . .
A recruiter called me the other day, and in the course of our conversation, he asked me which “business requirements methods” I’ve used.
I said, “I’m not exactly sure what you mean by that.”
After a pause, he said, “I’m not really sure what it means either. I’m kind of new at this.”
“Well, go ahead and read the next question, then . . .”
Thus spoke The Programmer.
Your Résumé is Quite Impressive
Possible responses:
- It should be. I wrote it.
- It’s the only thing more impressive than my actual accomplishments.
Atkins Dies
Dr. Robert Atkins, creator of the high-fat, low-carb “Atkins Diet,” died today, not from a heart attack or stroke, as I’d hoped, but by slipping on a sidewalk outside his office.
Maybe that crazy diet affects your balance . . .
Three Ways to Find My House
I love living in Irvine but . . . the lots aren’t very big, the houses are close together, and they all look about the same anyway, so even after 2-1/2 years, I still have trouble picking out which house is mine as I’m driving down the street.
I’ve devised a couple of methods for handling this.
Calvin Klein Seeking Substance-Abuse Help
The fashion designer Calvin Klein said yesterday that he was seeking professional help for substance abuse, nearly two weeks after his erratic behavior during a Knicks basketball game at Madison Square Garden briefly forced a halt in play.
Another blow to the theory that being rich and famous somehow makes it easier to live through the day, in case anyone other than my wife still believes it . . .
Conversations With a 9-Year-Old
“That’s a good haircut. You look very handsome.”
“Did you say ‘handsome’?”
“Yeah.”
“I don’t want to be handsome.”
“What do you want to be?”
“Cooool.”
No Thanks
Today’s email brings the following inquiry:
Would you like a larger penis? Or for your spouse to have a larger one?
Hmmm . . . neither, actually.
The Price of Kids
The waiter at Mongolian BBQ asks how old is my son, which throws me off a little bit because we’ve eaten there many times (we’d eat there every night if the boy had his way) and no one ever asked that before.
Newport Sports Museum
We had a great time today at the Newport Sports Museum for free.
Fred “Mr.” Rogers Dies at 74
Mr. Rogers died yesterday at age 74. His death was announced by — honest to god — Mr. McFeely, aka family spokesman David Newell.
Getting Tired
The Programmer has been out of work for three weeks now . . .
I’m getting tired of trying to sell myself to people who don’t seem to understand what it is I do, outside of how well I “fit” into a narrow job description. I’m getting tired of working in a broken industry.
More generally, I’m sick and tired of people and their goddamn opinions about everything.
And I’m getting pretty sick and tired of myself, too . . .
Thus spoke The Programmer.
Happy Valentines Day
Husband promises to break off affair with office receptionist if wife loses weight and gets breast implants. Wife schedules liposuction and breast enhancement. Husband fails to break off affair as promised. Wife runs over husband with car, killing him.
Colorado mom leaves six kids, ages 6 to 14, home alone with food, a credit card and $7 in cash while she takes a two-week vacation to Italy with her boyfriend.
Ansel Adams at 100
I took my family to see the Ansel Adams exhibit at LACMA. Adams’ work has always meant a lot to me.
Wife: Why are all the pictures so small?
Son: What time does the NBA Slam Dunk Contest come on?
Wife: Are they all in black and white?
Laid Off
I guess I should have seen this coming when they eliminated free bagels on Fridays. Or when we stopped printing things on plotter paper because the paper vendor stopped coming around shortly after we stopped paying him.
The retention list was heavily weighted toward young women with big tits and the managers’ poker buddies. Two of the laid-off developers had to be hired back within 30 minutes of being let go, when someone in authority belatedly realized they were working on the company’s only billable project.
None of us will be retiring on our severance package, since there wasn’t one. We’re now faced with the one thing we all feared enough to stay with this company so long in the first place: trying to find another job in the worst tech market in 20 years.
Thus spoke The Programmer.
Reviving Interest in the Space Program
I had no idea we were still launching space shuttles until Columbia blew up yesterday, which is one way of reviving people’s interest in the space program.
President Bush says “the cause in which they died will continue,” meaning manned space flight.
“Send him up there,” my wife says.