“How did you multiply this times 2.5 and get this?” I ask. He looks at the problem for a while. “I multiplied it a different way,” he says. ME: Shouldn’t this answer be 41 instead of 71? HIM: No, Alex. ME: Why are you calling me Alex? HIM: What is “no”? He’s reading a word problem aloud: “Maggie was traveling with her family on the Oregon Trail. The first day, they traveled 11 miles, the second day they traveled 9 miles, and the third day they traveled 14 miles.” Pause. “Now that was a good story!” Read more →
EppsNet Archive: Kids
Another Cultural Phenomenon That Gives Me an Assache
Children at Play signs My neighbors just put one of those Children at Play signs in the street in front of their house. These are for parents who don’t want to be bothered with actually watching their kids to make sure that they’re not playing in the roadway. I’d like to take the damn sign and beat them over the head with it . . . Read more →
Ontological Tangents
I can’t figure out why it’s so hard to get my kid to take a shower every night. We ask him to take a shower, he leaves the room like he’s going to do it, but he doesn’t do it. Read more →
Dark, Ironic Frost
My son was asked to memorize “The Road Not Taken” by Robert Frost for a 6th grade assignment: Read more →
My Next Career
Somehow at dinner the subject of moving to Texas comes up . . . not a discussion so much as a stream of consciousness monologue by my wife, who has relatives in Texas, and it’s much cheaper to live there than it is here, and so on. “But what would you do for a job?” she asks me. Read more →
Parental Guidance
I talked my 11-year-old son and his friend into seeing House of Flying Daggers instead of Meet the Fockers. The title alone — Meet the Fockers — is a tipoff to the level of wit that you’re going to be dealing with. Fockers! Get it? It sounds like a naughty word! HA HA HA HA! Geez, make an effort, will ya? How about House of the Flying Fockers? You meet the Fockers and throw daggers at them. That sounds like a good movie! Read more →
Do It Yourself
A fellow parent at hockey practice asks me, “Does your son lace up his own skates?” Read more →
Great Moments in Parenting
Here’s a father-son moment I hope to avoid — telling a jury what a good boy he was during the penalty phase of his murder trial. Read more →
Bird Teams
It’s getting hard to find a restaurant without a TV set anymore. Evidently, Americans don’t like to leave home if it means being away from television, even for an hour or so. Read more →
His Master’s Voice
My wife is making noises about getting rid of the dog, because we just moved into a new house and he’s making a mess of it. He’s not doing anything bad, it’s just that normal canine activity puts some wear and tear on a place, which is why I said don’t get a dog in the first place. Read more →
Ancient History as Told by a 6th Grader Who Watches Too Much SportsCenter
Hammerin’ Hank Hammurabi here, bringing you today’s Peloponnesian League matchup between the Akkadians and the Assyrians. Sargon the Great gives the Assyrians some much-needed leadership . . . Read more →
Who Wants Chili?
I’m making chili for dinner . . . “I don’t like chili,” the boy says. “Good. That means there’ll be more for me and Lightning.” “You’re giving chili to the dog?!” “And since I’m not giving any to Lightning, that means there’ll be more for me . . .” Read more →
Homework Follies
My son takes a break from his social studies worksheet to explain his new system for organizing homework assignments. “I write everything down in my organizer, then I draw a happy face next to the easy assignments, a sad face next to the hard ones, and a sad face with tears next to the ridiculous ones.” “What kind of a face did you put next to that social studies assignment?” I ask. “Sad face. I should have put one tear. I gave reading comprehension two tears.” “Have you ever had an assignment where you put a sad face with tears showering from both eyes?” “I just started the system today.” Read more →
Happy Halloween
I look forward to taking my son out trick-or-treating every year. I have lots of Halloween memories, mostly happy, some sad . . . One year — he was in kindergarten or 1st grade, I can’t remember which — I took him out and he was so excited, running from house to house . . . As he was running back from one house, he slipped and fell right in front of a group of older kids. They were very nice, helped him up, asked if he was okay, which he was, but it really demoralized him. A couple of houses later, he said he wanted to go home. I asked him if he felt bad about falling down in front of everybody and he said no, he was just tired and wanted to go home. So I took him home. He’s 11 now and tonight he and his friends… Read more →
Fight On!
My son and I went to the USC-Washington game last weekend. We don’t get to go to a lot of games because 11-year-old boys have their own activities and stuff on the weekends, but this time we were able to get there a few hours early and stroll around the campus, site of many of my greatest academic accomplishments . . . Read more →
High Noon
“I can’t believe people are playing tennis at high noon,” my son says as we drive by the local courts. “They’re building up their stamina,” I suggest. “They’re getting skin cancer,” he replies. “They’ll need stamina to battle the skin cancer.” Read more →
A Lazy Sunday Afternoon
I’m stretched out on the sofa relaxing while my son walks around revved up from some computer game he’s been playing . . . “You wanna battle me?” he shouts. Read more →
The Family Lawyer
It’s taking a long time for our beverages to arrive at El Cholo, one of our favorite dining establishments. (Try the Sonora-Style Enchilada.) “The drinks are taking a long time,” my wife says. “Yeah,” my son agrees. “Drinks are supposed to come fast. I’m going to file a complaint.” “Who are you going to file a complaint with?” I ask. “Grandma Sylvia . . . she’s a lawyer.” Read more →
Artistry
My son whips up a five-flavor Slurpee at 7-11. It’s very colorful. “You’re a real artist,” I tell him. “Slurpee-angelo,” he says. Read more →
Interpretation of Dreams
I was looking for something in my son’s room this morning when he woke up saying, “Please stop it!” He didn’t seem to be really talking to me, so I said, “Did you have a dream?” WIthout opening his eyes, he said, “Mom was shuffling her feet for an hour!” Read more →