So much depends on dying at the right time. Michael Jackson had long since gone from the King of Pop to Wacko Jacko, but by dying now, he was reborn as the King of Pop and all the weird stuff became mostly background noise. If he’d died as an old man, he would have been remembered as a creepy dude who at one time made some pretty good music . . . Read more →
Author Archive: Paul Epps
It May Depend on the Temperature
Here’s another colleague in the break room, wiping something off the front of her shirt . . . “I spilled coffee down my shirt,” she explains. I ask: “How does that compare with just drinking it, as far as a pick-me-up is concerned?” Read more →
Twitter: 2009-07-06
RT @TheFatJew: America needs another season of "Entourage" like Clay Aiken needs to look more like a lesbian dental hygenist # Read more →
Team A vs. Team B
My son and I are leaving Wednesday night for Toronto where his 16-and-under team, the Devil Dogs, is playing in the NARCh roller hockey tournament. Do the Dogs have a chance to contend? Short answer: I don’t know. That’s why they play the games. Longer answer: They’re in a round-robin bracket with teams from New York, Canada and two teams from Michigan. If you get through the round-robin games and into the single-elimination rounds, anything can happen. Let’s say Team A is good enough to beat Team B 9 games out of 10, or even 99 games out of 100. There’s still that one game that Team B wins, and in single elimination, that’s all you need. Whether that’s good news or bad news depends on whether you’re Team A or Team B. Read more →
Too Much Realism
Q: David’s character, Boris Yellnikoff, is sort of an Allen anomaly, no? He’s downwardly mobile, and his cynicism is self-destructive. A: First off, I never consider these people cynical. I consider them realistic. I will say that I do agree completely that too much realism is self-destructive. — 5 questions with Woody Allen, director of ‘Whatever Works’ | Freep.com Read more →
Fourteen Good Days
I have now reigned about fifty years in victory and peace, beloved by my subjects, dreaded by my enemies, and respected by my allies. Riches and honors, power and pleasure, have waited on my call, nor does any earthly blessing appear to be wanting for my felicity. In this situation, I have diligently numbered the days of pure and genuine happiness which have fallen to my lot: they amount to fourteen. O man, place not thy confidence in this present world! — Abd-el-Raham, 912-961 A.D. Read more →
The Life of a Soybean
Here’s one of my colleagues in the break room, making a sandwich and pouring a small carton of something down the sink . . . “What are you pouring out?” I ask. “Soy milk,” she says. “I didn’t drink it soon enough. I’m wasting the life of a soybean.” “Wow . . . when you put it that way, it sounds pretty upsetting.” “It is!” she says. “I’m distraught! That’s why I’m eating.” Read more →
Twitter: 2009-07-05
RT @sportsguy33: The 4th of July is like one super-slow home run trot as the English stare us down from the mound. Suck it, England! # RT @presentationzen: A pie chart of procrastination http://post.ly/16VO # When the only tool you have is a suicide bomb, every problem looks like a jihad — Best of the Web Today # What a match! Unbelievable… # Why didn't God send the swine flu to the Atheist Kids camp? http://bit.ly/EQtfE # Read more →
Mysterious Ways
We got this email from my son’s indoctrination camp (grammatical errors included): It is my unfortunate duty to inform you that we have a confirmed case of the H1N1 virus . . . We understand that there a considerable number of students and staff who became ill on the last day of camp or just after returning home. . . . While getting people sick is not something we want and definitely not something we like, the riches of Christ being shared at camp far outweighs the risk of illness and that we’re praying for all those who are affected that they will be well soon. God moves in mysterious ways. Like why didn’t He send the swine flu to the Atheist Kids camp? And I don’t let the camp staff off the hook. Why didn’t they pray before the camp that no one would get swine flu instead of… Read more →
Twitter: 2009-07-04
RT @diablocody: I ordered a bunch of Yankee Candles while drunk. Now the house smells of pie and remorse. # RT @darthvader: I love national holidays where blowing up a rebel stronghold can easily be considered a spectacular “finale.” # Weinerschnitzel: 2 chili dogs plus chili cheese fries for $3. Ain’t that America! # RT @diablocody: Ah, the patriotic “flag bikini.” There’s nothing like having a nation’s pride wadded up in your labia. # RT @ericmusselman: Abraham Lincoln: “I will prepare, and someday my chance will come.” # Read more →
Thomas Jefferson Wishes You a Happy Fourth
My fellow Americans — Happy Independence Day to all of you! Please take a few minutes on this day to look at a wonderful history lesson — about me! — by Maira Kalman, in which you’ll learn, among other things, that I actually wrote the Declaration of Independence! Thanks, Tom Read more →
The Thin Man
“The doctor said I’m really skinny,” my son says. “I’m in the 75th percentile for weight but I’m in the 94th percentile for height.” “That’s not a really big difference,” I say. “She said I could be 6-foot-4 by the time I’m 20.” “I’d like to be 6-foot-4.” “I wouldn’t,” he says. “I’m going to stand out everywhere.” “I’m 6 feet, maybe a little over, and I’m taller than most people, but if I was 6-foot-4, I’d be definitively taller than most people.” “Exactly,” he says. “I’ll be a freak.” “6-foot-4 isn’t a freak. Girls love tall guys.” “I’ll be an outcast giant.” Read more →
Lost or Not Found
My son can’t find his cell phone . . . “You should glue it to your hand,” I say, “since you lose it at least once a day.” “No, I don’t,” he says. “Once a week, then.” “Okay, but I never lose it. I just can’t find it at the time I need it.” Read more →
Twitter: 2009-07-02
RT @Lileks: There's not a man alive who's ever said "I have enough fireworks." # Read more →
Organic Organizing
A problem-solving leader’s entire orientation is toward creating an environment in which everyone can be solving problems, making decisions, and implementing those decisions, rather than personally solving problems, making decisions, and implementing those decisions. — Gerald M. Weinberg, Becoming a Technical Leader Read more →
Twitter: 2009-07-01
Office email: "Refrigerators being cleaned out tonight. Please take home anything you'd like to keep." OK. Going to stock up right now… # At a s/w demo, a user asks: "What are inheritable user permissions? Does that mean if I die, my permissions go to someone else?" # Read more →
I Remember it Had a Yammy Aftertaste
Appearances Matter
When you’re reinventing yourself in a new career, first impressions are even more important because everyone secretly doubts that you have what it takes to be successful. Without waiting for you to explain why you’re qualified, people will make a snap judgment based on your appearance and demeanor. Do you look and sound like someone who does this job? — WSJ.com Read more →
Pesto Pete
Leftovers from a catered lunch meeting found their way into the break room refrigerator. I pull out a tin of pasta . . . “Look,” I say to the woman watching me, “this one has my name right on it! ‘Pesto Pete,’ that’s what they call me.” “That says ‘Pesto Penne,’” she says. “Close enough!” Read more →
To Whom It May Concern
Via Best of the Web Today: “Obama Breaks Silence on Gaza, Voices ‘Deep Concern’ Over Civilian Deaths” — headline, Ha’aretz, Jan. 7 “Obama Voices Concern About Freed Guantanamo Inmates” — headline, Reuters, Feb. 2 “Obama Voices Concern About Pakistan” — headline, New York Times, April 30 “Obama Expresses Concern for Tissainayagam” — headline, TamilNet.com, May 2 “Obama: Long-Term Joblessness a Concern” — headline, CNN.com, May 20 “Obama Says North Korea Nuclear Test a ‘Grave Concern’ ” — headline, Reuters, May 25 “Obama to ‘Voice Concerns’ in Egypt Speech” — headline, Hill, May 29 “Obama Concerned at Sentence of Journalists in NKorea” — headline, Agence France-Presse, June 8 “Obama Names Video Games as Health Concern in Speech to A.M.A.” — headline, GamePolitics.com, June 15 “Obama Has ‘Deep Concerns’ About Iran’s Election” — headline, Newsweek Web site, June 16 “Obama Concern About Oil Speculation Unchanged-W.House” — headline, Reuters, June 18 “Obama Expresses… Read more →