Eddie Van Halen says he’ll enter rehab — Associated Press This is sad news, and Eddie’s sweet, elderly grandma (pictured at right) says she wishes him the best. Wait a moment . . . I’m being told that the person in the picture is not Eddie Van Halen’s elderly grandma, but is in fact — Eddie Van Halen! Sweet Jesus! This is certainly another blow to the theory that being rich and famous will solve all of your problems! Read more →
Author Archive: Paul Epps
It Works!
Xkcd will sell you a T-shirt with this slogan on it. My son loves it. He thinks his 8th grade science teacher should get one. “That’s a great idea,” I say, “if he wants to get fired.” “He could just cross out BIZNATCHES and write KIDS instead,” he suggests. Read more →
Another Reason I Need a Home Office with a Door
I’m working through our monthly cash flow in Quicken while my son bounces a basketball around the family room. I see an expense that I can’t figure out, which happens more often than I’d like when I go through the family finances. “This doesn’t make sense,” I say to myself. “What?” my son asks. “We actually made a little money for once?” He’s so thrilled with this zinger that he breaks into a cross-legged dance around the room yelling “OHHHHHHH! OHHHHHHH!” over and over again. Read more →
Arena Football League Trash Talk
AFL PLAYER 1: You couldn’t make it in pro football. AFL PLAYER 2: Oh yeah? Well, you couldn’t make it in pro football either. AFL PLAYER 1: Touché. Read more →
The Way to Write English
I notice that you use plain, simple English, short words and brief sentences. That is the way to write English–it is the modern way and the best way. Stick to it; don’t let fluff and flowers and verbosity creep in. — Mark Twain Enron’s performance in 2000 was a success by any measure, as we continued to outdistance the competition and solidify our leadership in each of our major businesses. We have robust networks of strategic assets that we own or have contractual access to, which give us greater flexibility and speed to reliably deliver widespread logistical solutions. . . . We have metamorphosed from an asset-based pipeline and power generating company to a marketing and logistics company whose biggest assets are its well-established business approach and its innovative people. — Enron Annual Report, 2000 Source: Why Business People Speak Like Idiots: A Bullfighter’s Guide by Brian Fugere, Chelsea… Read more →
Wives and Pugs
I read that pugs like the sound of their owner’s voice almost as much as they like food. That’s why it’s so important to talk to your pug. “It’s important to talk to your wife too,” my wife says. “Pugs are easy to please. Pugs will always be there. Wives have a car and two feet.” Read more →
Life Imitates Art
He said he heard about a couple living in the USA He said they traded in their baby for a Chevrolet — Elvis Costello, “Less Than Zero” PUEBLO — Three people were arrested on charges of swapping a 5-month-old boy for a downpayment on a used Dodge Intrepid and cash, police said Tuesday. — Vail Daily Read more →
Competitively Compelling
Ken Schwaber on software quality: I think what will happen is some places will really get it and will be so competitively compelling that others will have to rapidly change or go out of business. As an offset to that, consider that Ford has known for 40 years how Toyota builds cars. Read more →
Roseville
We have a company directory, including photos, on the intranet, so when I do a project with people in a different office, I like to go to the directory and look at the photos to see who I’m dealing with. Today I started working with some folks in the Roseville office. “Where’s Roseville?” I asked anyone within earshot of my desk. “You know where Sacramento is?” someone responds. Do I know where Sacramento is? What a question! It’s the capital of the state I’ve lived in my entire life. “Duh, no. Hang on, let me get a map.” Geez, if I want to be insulted, I can get that at home. The reason I asked: After clicking on a few of the photos, the kindest thing I could think of to say was “Maybe people in Roseville don’t photograph particularly well.” Read more →
Santayana: “I Told You So”
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it. — George Santayana “Is that a fact?” she said. “Well–I’ve got news for Mr. Santayana: we’re doomed to repeat the past no matter what. That’s what it is to be alive. It’s pretty dense kids who haven’t figured that out by the time they’re ten.” “Santayana was a famous philosopher at Harvard,” said Slazinger, a Harvard man. And Mrs. Berman said, “Most kids can’t afford to go to Harvard to be misinformed.” — Kurt Vonnegut, Bluebeard Read more →
I Think He Means Smart-Alecky in a Good Way
My son’s tennis teacher asks me where the boy gets his “smart-alecky” personality — from me or my wife? “Well,” I say, “if by ‘smart-alecky’ you mean ‘funny,’ he gets it from me. If you mean ‘argues for the sake of arguing,’ he gets that from his mom.” Read more →
My Neighbor the Fisherman
My neighbor across the street is a very serious fisherman. He’s got, like, 15 fishing rods in a rack in his garage, one for every occasion. Does he ever take any of his family members along on his fishing trips? No . . . on his list of priorities, they rank somewhere below fish. I suspect his wife has a fish-head mask she puts on when she wants to get his attention . . . Read more →
Valentine’s Day Tips for Girls
Make your man feel capable . . . Good: “You are so strong!” “You are so smart!” Bad: “Are you sure you know where you’re going?” These are just examples, but you get the idea . . . Read more →
Happy Valentine’s Day
We’re on a budget . . . maybe I’ll write my love a poem. Seriously though, some flowers for sure . . . I’ll take her for dinner if she wants to, but we really are trying to cut back on the spending a bit. Reality vs. romance . . . Read more →
Train in the Distance
What is the point of this story? What information pertains? The thought that life could be better Is woven indelibly Into our hearts And our brains. — Paul Simon, “Train in the Distance” Read more →
Going to the Temple
My wife makes an occasional visit to one of the local Buddhist temples, and sometimes she “encourages” the rest of the family to join her. “Thanks for coming along,” she says on the drive over. “You made us come,” our son says from the back seat. Then after a pause, “But you’re welcome.” Read more →
Super Bowl Ads
Forgettable . . . although this Doritos ad was notable for the fact that it was made on a budget of $12.97. As my son said after one particularly unmemorable spot (I can’t remember which one): “They paid a trillion dollars to put that on my TV?” Read more →
Adventures in Driving
We’ve just had another of the near-death experiences so common when my wife gets behind the wheel of a car. “Driving with you is a real adventure, honey,” I say. “Not in a good way,” our son adds. She wears multiple combinations of glasses and contact lenses, but her standard explanation — “I can’t see!” — is not as reassuring as she seems to think it is. Read more →
Some People Should Be Allowed to Work at Their Own Pace
Speaking of motivation, today’s Orange County Register has a story about a guy who really knows — or knew — how to light a fire under his employees. According to the story, Woo Sung Park, a landscaping supervisor, told day laborer Ernesto Avalos that he, Avalos, was not pulling his weight on the job. The pep talk so energized Mr. Avalos that he beat Mr. Park to death with a shovel and a pickax. This happened right here in Irvine! Tragically, one of my rich neighbors is now two men short on his beautification project . . . Read more →
The Can Do Manager
Staring your boss in the face and saying June 1 when you know that even a year from June would be optimistic sounds bad. It sounds like lying. But being a Can Do manager sounds good. — Tom DeMarco, Slack Read more →