EppsNet Archive: Explosives

See You in Hell: Rifles Have an Undeservedly Bad Reputation

28 Feb 2018 /


[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE]

Greetings from the Lake of Fire!

I was perusing the FBI data on murder weapons in the U.S. For 2016, what do you think was the most frequently employed murder weapon?

Survey SAYS — handguns! The weapon of choice in 7,105 murders. I blame the NRA!

Ha ha, just messing with you there. The NRA has nothing to do with the existence of evil in the world. That’s my department.

That handgun number is actually a little low, because the FBI also reports more than 3,000 gun murders where the type of firearm is not specified — and it’s almost always a handgun.

Running a distant second behind guns: knives, used to end the life of 1,604 Americans in 2016.

Now here’s a surprising one: 656 people killed by “personal weapons,” which essentially means beating someone to death with your bare hands. Kicking is also allowed in this category, as is pushing someone to their death — off a cliff, in front of a bus, etc.

More people were killed by personal weapons (656) than by blunt objects (472), i.e., beating someone to death with a hammer or a bat. Why are more people not using a weapon? I guess they like a challenge.

Now let’s talk about rifles. Rifles have an undeservedly bad reputation in my opinion. Rifles can be used for sporting purposes and for self-defense, but they can also be used as a murder weapon.

In 2016, 374 Americans were murdered with a rifle.

Everyone wants to ban rifles! No one wants to ban knives, hammers or fists, which can also be used as murder weapons, but everyone wants to ban rifles. People are crazy.

P.S. Some approaches to murder are far more common in popular entertainments than in real life. Poisoning is common in murder mysteries but only 11 Americans were killed with poison in 2016. Only 1 person was killed with explosives, even though I can’t remember the last movie I saw that didn’t have at least one explosion.

Finally, let me say a word about inclusiveness. We don’t care who you are or how you get here. There are no special privileges in Hell.

You may have been an underrepresented minority on Earth. You may be one of the misfits who manages to get themselves poisoned. Rest assured that we treat everyone the same: abominably.

See you in Hell!