EppsNet Archive: Stupidity

Sports Media Questions That Could be Retired

“How important is it to get off to a good start today, Skipper?” “Do you know of any sports where participants try to get off to a bad start?” “Uh . . . no.” “Nor do I. That said, we always try to get off to a good start. And when we don’t, we try to come back and win anyway.” Read more →

Say One More Stupid Thing to Me

Sing me one more song, about you love me to the moon and the stranger And your fall by the sword love affair with Errol Flynn In these times of compassion when conformity’s in fashion Say one more stupid thing to me before the final nail is driven in. — Bob Dylan, “Foot of Pride” Read more →

A Hotbed of Asininity

I’ve never heard of this woman but she has a verified account and claims to be a Harvard woman: The fact that presidents are raising money from the public for something the government should pay for is disgusting. https://t.co/2GMAZ4E6JX — Kimberly N. Foster (@KimberlyNFoster) October 22, 2017 OK . . . but where do you think government gets the money to pay for things? Sometimes I think America should change its marketing from the Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave to A Hotbed of Asininity. Read more →

What Does a Programmer Do?

I was asked to give a talk last week to a high school computer science class on “What Does a Programmer Do?” (I’m indebted to Jim McCarthy for the “lords and ladies of logic” section.)   Programming is problem solving. At the highest level, the problem that programmers solve is that people want to be able to do things with computers that they can’t do. And by computers, I don’t mean just the kind of computers you have on the desks here, I mean phones, watches, cars . . . more and more different kinds of devices are running software. So one good thing about being a programmer is that pretty much every field of endeavor now uses software and data. You can work at a tech company like Microsoft or Google or Twitter or Facebook, but you can also work in healthcare, finance, education, sports . . . you… Read more →

I Love Freedom More Than Most People and Now I Know Why

This is from a new survey of American adults by the Annenberg Public Policy Center. Also: 37 percent couldn’t name a single right protected by the First Amendment. While 48 percent of those surveyed were able to name freedom of speech, far fewer could identify other rights accorded, including freedom of religion (15 percent), freedom of the press (14 percent), right of peaceful assembly (10 percent), and right to petition the government (3 percent). I’m a freedom-loving guy. I find that my love of freedom exceeds that of most of my countrymen and now I know why . . . because cherishing the rights guaranteed to us by the Constitution presupposes that we know what they are, and most people don’t know what they are. P.S. I learned to remember the First Amendment rights with the GRASP acronym: freedom to petition the Government, freedom of Religion, freedom of Assembly, freedom… Read more →

61% Say It’s Time for Hillary Clinton To Retire

61% Say It’s Time for Hillary Clinton To Retire — Rasmussen Reports I feel like this is something the whole country can agree on. Granted, 61 percent is not 100 percent but you have to take into account that 25 percent of Americans think the sun goes around the earth, nearly 30 percent of Americans ages 18 to 24 cannot locate the Pacific Ocean on a map and half the residents of Detroit can’t read. Hillary Clinton has come out of seclusion just as we remember the 16th anniversary of 9/11, and as both Texas and Florida are underwater, and all she wants to talk about is Hillary Clinton. This woman is completely tone-deaf, always has been and apparently always will be . . . Read more →

See You in Hell

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] I hate to say I told you so. See you in Hell . . . Read more →

See You in Hell: Robert E. Lee Edition

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] Greetings from the underworld! I saw this on Facebook today: First of all, the temperature on that screencap — 81 degrees? That’s the temperature in Los Angeles. The temperature here in Hell is much hotter. Secondly, Americans are the fattest, dumbest people on the planet. Did you know that 25 percent of them think that the sun goes around the earth? So most Americans don’t even know who Robert E. Lee was, let alone the name of his horse (it was Traveller, with two l’s). Once it’s explained to them — who Robert E. Lee was, his horse’s name, what the Civil War was all about — they put it all together: the USC mascot is a racist horse! Also coming under scrutiny: everyone named Robert or Lee or having the middle initial E. See you… Read more →

10 Reasons That NY Times Chart Might Not Mean What You Think It Means

From the New York Times: Money is not the only metric for measuring life outcomes. Charts and articles like this seem to reflect an inappropriate obsession with narrowly materialist values. If you do want to measure your life with money, it looks like the 99th percentile is where you want to be. Why aren’t you there? Why aren’t you a CEO? Why aren’t you making a million a year? If you can’t figure out how to get there, don’t begrudge the people who did figure it out. If you don’t have the education, motivation, intelligence or skills to get there, don’t begrudge those who do. The amount of wealth is not a fixed amount. It’s not a zero-sum game. If it were, it would be concerning that a few people are very wealthy. But it isn’t. The distribution of income has to be skewed to the right because income is… Read more →

I Paid My Debt to Society

I paid my debt to society by reporting in for jury duty today. Jury duty is worse than losing a limb. In my experience, if you pick 12 Americans at random, you get nine good, clear-thinking citizens and three people who are like, “Well, anything’s possible.” For example, the last time I served on a jury, the case involved a defendant who was driving drunk and crashed a car with passengers into a tree. There were photos taken after the crash showing the defendant pinned behind the steering wheel of the car. His defense? He wasn’t the person driving the car. He didn’t testify himself but that was the defense presented by his attorney. And three of the jurors were like, “Yeah, that’s possible.” Hung jury.   Today I survived three rounds of random juror calls in the morning and by lunchtime they started calling names of people to go… Read more →

Woman Knocks Over $200K Artwork Trying to Take a Selfie

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Signs of Trouble

When a headline starts with one of the following, rest assured there’s going to be trouble: “Bungee jumper . . .” “Florida woman . . .” “YouTube gun stunt . . .” Related link: How Much Paper Does It Take to Stop a .50-Cal Bullet? Read more →

More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of

People who ask for sample cups at the yogurt shop. A couple of possible explanations: You’re trying to eat a bunch of yogurt without paying for it. You’re an idiot and you’re genuinely puzzled by the mysterious flavor names like “Strawberry.” You need a sample cup to figure out what the Strawberry yogurt tastes like? It tastes like strawberry. You want to know what the Coconut flavor tastes like? Coconut. How about the Mango? Either way, you’ve got to pull yourself together . . . Read more →

Don’t Put a Sweater on a Pit Bull

Police in Florida say a dog named Scarface attacked a family who tried to put a sweater on it. Tampa police say the pit bull mix bit a 52-year-old woman who was trying to dress it Friday and her husband was attacked while trying to pull the dog off her. Police say the couple’s 22-year-old son was attacked while trying to stop the dog by stabbing it in the neck and head. The three people escaped the house and left the dog in the backyard. They ended up in the hospital. — Miami Herald Woman attacked when she tries to put a sweater on the dog, husband attacked when he tries to pull the dog off his wife, son attacked while trying to stab the dog in the neck and head . . . meet your average, run-of-the-mill pit bull owners. Folks, if you feel like you really must put… Read more →

Why Do We Need the Sign?

I saw this in the men’s room of Bright Angel Lodge at the Grand Canyon . . . Why is that sign necessary? Were people complaining, “The toilet water in the men’s room tastes a little off“? “Yes, that’s because it’s sewage. Man, we gotta put up a sign.” Granted, there’s no bottled water sold in the national park (because of the plastic) but there are other options available before you resort to drinking toilet water. Read more →

Give Me a Flaming Russian

If you listen closely, you can hear “Great Balls of Fire” playing on the jukebox. (Kidding, there’s no sound.) Read more →

Income Inequality Explained

I saw this sign at a gas station soda fountain . . . Read more →

Salesmanship

“How many pieces are you playing at the piano recital?” “Two,” I reply, “but one is very short.” “Who are the composers?” “Bach and Liszt.” “What is that? ‘Box’?” “Why do you ask me who the composers are if you’ve never heard of Bach?” “That’s salesmanship.” Did I mention he’s a salesman? “You’ve gotta push it.” Read more →

Dad vs. Stupidity

I overheard one of my colleagues saying to another, “My dad is really opposed to any kind of stupidity.” I passed that along to my own son: “If you want to describe me in that way — ‘My dad is opposed to stupidity in all forms’ — it’s okay with me. I mean, you don’t have to if you’re not feeling it but I can think of worse ways to be remembered.” Read more →

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