From Salon, before the bombers were identified, captured and/or killed:
Shame on everyone who assumed that the bombers were Muslims from a foreign land! Wait — what? They were Muslims from a foreign land? OK, never mind.
Calling out “far-right extremists” for “demonizing bogeymen” is either hilariously ironic or depressingly symptomatic of American decline. Since Salon is not known for its satire, I have to go with the latter.
I’ve noticed a new trend in spam is to put the word “Manager” in front of the sender’s name, e.g., Manager Joe Schmuck instead of just plain Joe Schmuck.
Are people really this stupid? Does anyone think to themselves, “I don’t know any Joe Schmuck, but if he’s come up through the ranks to the level of Manager, then I think I owe it to myself to see what he has to say”?
From an actual job ad:
Killer, Profitable, Stable and cutting edge technology company looking for genious!!!
It’s funny when someone misspells the word “genius”!
Why are random words like “Profitable” and “Stable” capitalized? Because the recruiter wanted to highlight the adjectives? Then why isn’t “cutting edge” capitalized?
Why isn’t “cutting edge” hyphenated?
Gerald Crabtree, a geneticist at Stanford University, suggests that humans are evolving to become less intelligent. Crabtree asserts that the safer life gets for humans, the less important it is for us to have good judgment for survival and mating.
Thousands of years ago, human idiots were much more likely to be removed from the gene pool (i.e., die) as a result of their lack of intelligence and judgment. Nowadays, it’s rare for someone to die because they were unable to outwit a predator.
Edward Archbold was, according to those who met him on Friday night, the life of the party – a bit of a showoff who was up for anything, even a giant cockroach-eating contest.
He won. And then, tragically, he died.
Not every death is a tragedy. (We pause here for a moment to give Darwin a chance to spike the football.)
Whenever I hear someone described as “a bit of a showoff who’s up for anything,” I find myself wondering how soon they can die in some bizarre attempt to attract attention.
Given what we know about the deceased, how surprised are you — on a scale of zero to 10 — that a shirtless mug shot was available for use in his obituary?
This morning I heard President Obama call for universities to lower their tuition rates so that “everybody in America can go to college.”
I am virtually certain that the President is not stupid enough to think that if tuition rates fell to zero, there would magically be enough room in the colleges for everybody in America. So I’ve got to believe that he’s purposely saying stupid things in order to appeal to stupid voters — the sort of voters, in other words, who probably don’t belong in college.
An elderly woman has destroyed a 19th-century Spanish fresco in a botched restoration conducted without permission.
“Restoration conducted without permission” = ignorant destruction of artistic treasures. This is why it pays to leave art restoration to trained professionals.
I’m going to savagely murder the next person I hear use the word “spend” as a noun, as in “leveraging our spend.”
Spend is a verb. Spending is a noun, e.g., “leveraging our spending.” I would still have to maim you for saying “leveraging” though, so try “getting the most for our money.”
You can also avoid death by saying “How much does it cost?” instead of “What is our spend?”
You have been warned.
According to the California Highway Patrol, [Kurt Duncan] Naegele, [Ryan Robert] Doheny, Doheny’s brother-in-law Darren William Dahlman, 38, of Pasadena, and Christopher H. Pennell of Los Angeles, had been drinking as guests invited to a birthday party on the San Simeon ranch on Sept. 18, 2009.
They drove to the airstrip to find out how fast Naegele’s Range Rover could go, something a CHP investigator claims Doheny later told him was a bad idea because it was pitch black out and Naegele was driving very fast and erratically. Around 11 p.m., the Range Rover rolled several times
before falling down a steep embankment 300 feet off the runway on the north side of the airstrip.The crash killed Dahlman, seriously injured Naegele (who had to be extricated from behind the steering wheel) and also injured Pennell and Doheny. Naegele and Doheny estimated to officers that they had been traveling 35 mph at the time of the crash, but CHP investigators who examined the skid marks and other evidence at the scene determined they were going more like 105 mph.
Here’s where things get strange: Naegele maintains that Doheny was actually driving the vehicle, but rather than take the case to trial, he cut a plea deal for a year in custody and four years of probation.
Footnote: I was on jury duty in a similar case, where a drunk guy drove a car full of drunks into a tree, pinning himself behind the steering wheel, then claimed in court that he wasn’t the driver. You gotta say something, right?
Result? Hung jury. You can always count on three idiots out of 12 who believe that anything’s possible.
Discriminate against Asians in college admissions.
Use “Chink in the Armor” as the headline for an article on the New York Knicks.
We had a vendor rep stop by the office this morning . . .
The first thing he told me was, “I got a workout in this morning before I came over. Great way to start the day!”
Really? How does that information solve any of the problems we’re having with your software? How does it alter my planned activities for the day? You are not a serious person.
The unmistakable mark of the moron is he (or she) tells you about his workout schedule, especially if he has just worked out or is just about to work out.
“Here’s your wristband for the tour.”
“What do I do with it?”
FARGO — An eyewitness here says a Fourth of July fireworks accident decapitated a Fargo man Monday night. Police identified the victim as Jesse William Burley, a 41-year-old father of two, who enjoyed life to its fullest, said Burley’s stepfather Chuck Asplin of Fargo.
If by “enjoyed life to the fullest,” you mean “had no fucking sense.” He died doing what he loved — being a complete asshole.
I can’t say that I enjoy life to the fullest, but at least my head is still attached to my shoulders . . .
To anyone who misses Ryan Dunn, may I suggest that you honor his memory by getting drunk and driving your car into a tree.
The tragedy here is that Bam Margera wasn’t in the car with him.
I object to having these guys introduced into my life via front-page headlines. Why is Ryan Dunn’s death more noteworthy than any other moron with a fast car and a drinking problem? Because he shoved a toy car up his ass?
Here in our neighborhood in Irvine, we had a drunk guy a few weeks ago run a red light at Irvine and Culver and smash his truck into a car containing a father, his 14-year-old daughter and three of her friends on their way home from a birthday party.
One of the girls, a freshman at Northwood High School, was killed.
The fact that Ryan Dunn killed himself and a 30-year-old man rather than a 14-year-old girl is just a matter of chance.
If your idea of a good time is to go out drinking, then get in your car and drive around real fast on PUBLIC ROADS, then you are lethally stupid and I don’t like you.
My co-author Paul Epps, one of his colleagues at the office thinks the Osama bin Laden death was a hoax.
This same fool believes that the new electric meter at his house is giving him brain cancer based on no evidence at all, but when the president of the United States says bin Laden is dead, he’s like Where are the pictures?!
HAAAHAHAHA! People are so gullible — thank God! HAHA! I said thank God, get it? I’m Satan!
But seriously, I just want to reassure you idiots that Osama is really here. It’s a tough adjustment for him. Some people know damn well ahead of time that they’re going to hell, so it’s an easier transition.
But Osama! Oh man was he surprised to see me! I wish you could have seen the look on his face! HAHA! What a Kodak moment! Gosh, I’m really dating myself with that Kodak reference . . .
By the way, how about those NBA playoffs? A lot of upsets going on, right?
My favorite team is the Miami Heat. I love the Heat! HAAAHAHAHA!
That’s the other thing Osama’s having trouble getting used to. You might think, well, he lived in a desert, he’s used to heat. No. It’s not the same — AT ALL! You’ll see what I mean when you get here.
So to summarize: Osama’s really dead and GO HEAT!
Regarding bonehead fouls in the last two seconds of the Pittsburgh-Butler game, I don’t look for guys named Shelvin or Nasir to make heady decisions in the clutch . . .
. . . was a company web page that said if you call their customer service line, you should “be prepared to give your customer number, first and last name . . .”
OK, thanks for the heads-up on the customer number but how much preparation do I need in order to be able to provide my first and last name?
People who use the word “signage,” e.g., “We’ve got to put up some signage so people can find the right conference rooms.”
Look — like most words, the plural of “sign” is formed by adding “-s” at the end, not “-age.” This kind of language abuse just makes everyone stupider.
