EppsNet

Satan

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan -- PE]

It used to be called illegitimacy. Now it is the new normal. After steadily rising for five decades, the share of children born to unmarried women has crossed a threshold: more than half of births to American women under 30 occur outside marriage.

The shift is affecting children’s lives. Researchers have consistently found that children born outside marriage face elevated risks of falling into poverty, failing in school or suffering emotional and behavioral problems.

— A child out of wedlock is the new normal – The New York Times (via msnbc.com)

HA HA HA! And it’s only going to get worse!

These poor illiterate bastards will be stabbing each other for food in a few years!

Unwed mothers are my meal ticket. Keep up the good work, my little darlings!

See you all in Hell . . .

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Given the combined emotional maturity of the bride and groom, I wondered at the wedding which would come first: a thank you note for the gift, or a divorce.

I now have the answer: the divorce came first.

We never did get the thank you note . . .

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‘Spartacus’ star Andy Whitfield dies of lymphoma at 39

Whitfield’s wife, Vashti, in a statement called her husband a “beautiful young warrior” who died on a “sunny Sydney morning” in the “arms of his loving wife.”

— msn.com

Never heard of him. Also, his wife’s remarks are a tad self-serving, but they did get me to thinking what people would say in the event of my own untimely demise.

Best case: “He was a pain in the ass but at least he was interesting.”

More likely: “He was a pain in the ass. Once in a great while, he said something interesting. You had to wait for it.”

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A Facebook friend asks to me to vote for her friends Riq and Chantelle to win their dream wedding.

Clicking through on this invitation, I learn that Chantelle is a teacher and Riq is a “tattoo’r.” From the provided photo, I’d say they’re both in their mid to late 20s.

The reason they can’t afford to pay for their own wedding? They have five kids.

I post a comment: they already have five kids?!?!

Response: Previous marriages no judging! Just vote

Then this follow-up comment from someone I don’t know: By the way that was excellent advise [sic], we should indeed never prejudge, because people who prejudge only assume things and don’t get the facts straight.

OK, this guy needs to get his shit together and calm down. I’m not “prejudging” anybody; I’m evaluating people’s mental stability (or lack thereof) based on their accumulated number of kids, spouses and tattoos.

Big difference.

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Just after a big fight with my wife, caused by me accusing her of losing something that belongs to me, I found the thing on the nightstand next to my bed.

Should I a) Say, “Honey, just to show you how funny life can be sometimes, look what I found!” or b) Take the information to my grave?

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Are you kidding?! I’d rather take a shower with my mom than watch this crap.

Only an idiot who knows nothing about life thinks that being married or unmarried has anything to do with happiness.

You’ll be just as miserable either way, albeit for different reasons.

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It’s a good thing women aren’t married off young by their fathers anymore, or else we’d have a real homeless cat problem on our hands.

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No related posts were found, so here's a consolation prize: Five Guys in Europe: France.

MLB is rolling out an app that will allow fans at games to order concessions on their iPhone and have it delivered to their seats. I thought that option already existed, and it was called a wife.

via Deadspin

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— Richard Hamming

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• RT @TheOnion: Obama To Create 17 New Jobs By Resigning And Finally Opening That Restaurant http://onion.com/a0V23H #

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My kid’s got a summer assignment for AP English — select and read two novels from a list of about 20.

I’ve been telling him since June that I’d be glad to go over the list with him and recommend books that he might enjoy reading but he’s put it off so long now that I’m limited to recommending short books that he might enjoy reading, and that leaves us with Ethan Frome, Wide Sargasso Sea and All the Pretty Horses.

He comes back from the bookstore with Frome and Sargasso, two books about men who marry crazy women.

He ruled out All the Pretty Horses because it’s 300 pages long and “I read the first sentence and it had like six adjectives.”

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I’m easily annoyed. My wife knows I’m easily annoyed and that one of the things that really annoys me is when people ask me to fix something that isn’t really broken.

So when she asks me to fix a problem with her browser and I close it, reopen it and it works fine, she exclaims, “It’s scared of you honey! The King of IT! It sees you coming and it’s afraid to not work!”

That’s good talking. I couldn’t even get mad after that.

P.S. I just thought of Mel Gibson for some reason.

To clarify, I’m not easily annoyed like Mel Gibson. He’s off the charts, like a fire-breathing dragon.

I’m more like “doesn’t suffer fools gladly, especially in his own house.”

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Photo by yummyinthetummyblog

At a friend’s home this weekend, his wife brought him a venti iced chai from Starbucks and set it down in front of him on a coffee table.

“Do you want a straw?” she asked.

Since he had no way of knowing what was going to happen next, he said yes.

She unwrapped the straw and with a Norman Bates overhand grip tried to stab it through the plastic lid. Unfortunately, she hit it off center, knocking the cup off the table and splashing the contents all over the hardwood floor.

“Sorry,” she said.

“That’s all right, honey. That’s part of your charm. You do things without really thinking about them.”

She looked at him for a moment. “That’s not a compliment,” she said.

“No, it is. It means you’re . . . spontaneous.”

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