EppsNet Archive: Marriage

How I Married My Mother

15 Mar 2018 /

Oklahoma mom who once married her son will now go to jail for marrying her daughterFort Worth Star-Telegram

Mom is being jailed for felony incest. I think we can all agree that marrying the son was a wrong thing to do, but I thought incest requires sexual intercourse.

The two women are adults, there’s no child abuse, there are no reproductive issues to consider, so if you happen to hit it off with your mom in that way, why not?

Look, they even have matching outfits!

Mother-daughter mug shot

Turning Away Wrath

5 Mar 2018 /

There are answers which, in turning away wrath, only send it to the other end of the room, and to have a discussion coolly waived when you feel that justice is all on your own side is even more exasperating in marriage than in philosophy.

— George Eliot, Middlemarch

EppsNet Book Reviews: Middlemarch by George Eliot

28 Feb 2018 /

George Eliot is a transgender author whose work was previously unfamiliar to this reviewer.

Ha, kidding! It’s hard to think of new things to say about old books, but if you appreciate the novel as an art form, or you think you might appreciate the novel as an art form if you gave it a chance, you should read Middlemarch.

What it is about? At 800+ pages, it’s about a lot of things: life in rural England in the 1830s, the status of women, the bonds of matrimony, idealism, self-interest, religion, hypocrisy and politics.

It’s about the heroism of ordinary lives.

It’s about, in the character of Dorothea Brooke, “the mixed result of young and noble impulse struggling amidst the conditions of an imperfect social state, in which great feelings will often take the aspect of error, and great faith the aspect of illusion.”

Here’s the conclusion of the novel, in which the narrator is looking back from several decades later at the main characters. Admittedly it loses some power out of context but you’ll get the idea. Googling the Cyrus reference might help.

(Mild spoiler alert, insofar as spoilers can exist for a well-known book from the 19th century.)

Sir James never ceased to regard Dorothea’s second marriage as a mistake; and indeed this remained the tradition concerning it in Middlemarch, where she was spoken of to a younger generation as a fine girl who married a sickly clergyman, old enough to be her father, and in little more than a year after his death gave up her estate to marry his cousin—young enough to have been his son, with no property, and not well-born. Those who had not seen anything of Dorothea usually observed that she could not have been “a nice woman,” else she would not have married either the one or the other.

Certainly those determining acts of her life were not ideally beautiful. . . . Her finely touched spirit had still its fine issues, though they were not widely visible. Her full nature, like that river of which Cyrus broke the strength, spent itself in channels which had no great name on the earth. But the effect of her being on those around her was incalculably diffusive: for the growing good of the world is partly dependent on unhistoric acts; and that things are not so ill with you and me as they might have been, is half owing to the number who lived faithfully a hidden life, and rest in unvisited tombs.

Rating: 5 stars

Grounds for Dissolution

8 Jan 2018 /

Divorce has traditionally been a fault-based proceeding, but California and most other states are now no-fault jurisdictions, and a divorce in legal terms is now called a Dissolution of Marriage.

And yet we never hear anyone say “I’m going to dissolve you.”

The primary ground for dissolution in California is “irreconcilable differences.” In a Regular Dissolution you are also allowed to use “incurable insanity.” Your spouse may seem crazy to you, but the insanity case is too complicated for you to present without an attorney, so if you want to keep things simple, go ahead and use “irreconcilable differences.”

Matt Lauer’s Secret Sex Lair!

30 Nov 2017 /

Lauer’s private office at storied 30 Rockefeller Plaza contained a secret button that could essentially turn that office into a secret sex lair. — Fox News

The “secret button” closed the office door and locked it, if the doorknob was in the locked position.

If closing the door and locking it turns an office into a “secret sex lair,” isn’t everyone’s office a secret sex lair?

I read elsewhere that Lauer’s behavior included “luring” female employees to his office. How is “luring” different from inviting? Did he drag around a nice pair of shoes on a fishhook?

One more: according to Variety, “despite being married, Lauer was fixated on women, especially their bodies and looks.”

Ask not for whom the bell tolls . . .

The Perfect Murder?

12 Sep 2017 /

Realtor Who Vanished During Harvey Found Dead, Ex-Husband ArrestedYahoo! News


That probably seemed like a good plan at the time, murdering your former spouse under cover of a natural disaster.

I bet that happens all the time. A woman is discovered drowned . . . who’s to know you actually drowned her in the bathtub ahead of time? I’d like to see ’em prove that in a court of law.

That being said, I still think the best way to kill someone and get away with it is to push them off a cliff.

“I’m Not Pointing Any Fingers . . .”

10 Jul 2017 /

. . . I say to the only other person who lives in my house, “but SOMEone plucked the toppings off the leftover pizza.”


Tags: ,

We Did It the Old-Fashioned Way

2 Sep 2016 /

I overheard a couple people discussing IVF today . . . here in Southern California the cost apparently runs $15,000 – $20,000 for a single IVF cycle, which of course includes no guarantee of success.

When my wife and I decided to have a child, I knocked her up on the first try. Just wanted to put that on the record . . .

A Naked Person Wearing Glasses

17 Jul 2016 /

I get out of the shower and, reversing my normal procedure, put on my glasses before getting dressed . . .

“Is it funny to see a naked person wearing glasses?” I ask my wife.

“No, I see that all the time.”

“You do? Where?”

“Uh . . . in a movie.”


27 May 2016 /

That is the difference between me and you.
You pack an umbrella, #30 sun goo
And a red flannel shirt. That’s not what I do.
I put the top down as soon as we arrive.
The temperature’s trying to pass fifty-five.
I’m freezing but at least I’m alive.
Nothing on earth can diminish my glee.
This is Florida, Florida, land of euphoria,
Florida in the highest degree.
You dig in the garden. I swim in the pool.
I like to wear cotton. You like to wear wool.
You’re always hot. I’m usually cool.

You want to get married. I want to be free.
You don’t seem to mind that we disagree.
And that is the difference between you and me.

— Laurel Blossom

People Having a Worse Week Than You

15 May 2016 /
Coat of arms of Bahamas

Coat of arms of Bahamas

Dear Amy: I am a happily married 27-year-old woman about to have my first baby, and I am terrified because it isn’t my husband’s baby.

Last spring, another woman and I took a trip to the Bahamas. At the hotel I had a massage and was seduced by the masseur. I tried to resist, but I guess I got carried away. I sort of cooperated once things got started.

After some prenatal tests, my doctor recently told me that the baby’s blood type is different from both my husband’s and mine, which means the baby is not his. When the baby is born, it will be very obvious: My husband and I are white, and the masseur is black.

I can’t tell my husband; I think that he would leave me. It’s too late for an abortion. What can I do? Please advise me.

“Ask Amy,” Chicago Tribune

It’s Not Your Head

13 Apr 2016 /
Head pain

I’m telling my doctor about these shooting pains that I get near the back of my head, behind my left ear. Sometimes they don’t happen for months and sometimes they happen several times a day.

She says it’s likely to be caused by stress and tension.

“You don’t think it’s a brain tumor?” I ask.

“No, because a brain tumor would hurt all the time and the pain would get worse over time.”

“OK . . . that’s good to know because I didn’t want to deal with a brain tumor right now.”

“I’m not worried about it. And if I’m not worried about it, you shouldn’t be worried about it.”

“That’s what my wife said this morning. She said she wasn’t worried about it. I said, ‘Of course you’re not worried about it. It’s not your head.’ She said she wouldn’t worry about it even if was her head.”

“Let me say it another way. If your doctor is not worried about it, then you don’t need to be worried about it.”

I Have a System That I Think Would Work

2 Mar 2016 /

I have a system that’s based on leaving myself visible reminders. I think it would work except that my wife likes to move things consistent with where she thinks they should be, even if they’re not her things, so instead of a working system I have a non-stop “Where’s Waldo?” challenge, which is not as fun as it might sound . . .

February 14, 278: St. Valentine Beheaded

15 Feb 2016 /
Shrine of St. Valenitne's in Whitefriar Street...

Shrine of St. Valenitne’s in Whitefriar Street Carmelite Church in Dublin, Ireland (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Why was I not informed about this? Seriously, I never knew St. Valentine was beheaded until today. Why am I always the last to know? Keep me in the loop, people!

According to History.com:

Under the rule of Claudius the Cruel, Rome was involved in many unpopular and bloody campaigns. The emperor had to maintain a strong army, but was having a difficult time getting soldiers to join his military leagues. Claudius believed that Roman men were unwilling to join the army because of their strong attachment to their wives and families.

To get rid of the problem, Claudius banned all marriages and engagements in Rome. Valentine, realizing the injustice of the decree, defied Claudius and continued to perform marriages for young lovers in secret.

When Valentine’s actions were discovered, Claudius ordered that he be put to death. Valentine was arrested and dragged before the Prefect of Rome, who condemned him to be beaten to death with clubs and to have his head cut off. The sentence was carried out on February 14, on or about the year 278.

For his great service, Valentine was named a saint after his death.

Michigan Man Dies in Crash While Masturbating to Porn Video

31 Jan 2016 /
Grim Reaper

Michigan man dies in crash while driving and masturbating to porn on his phoneNY Daily News

Years ago, I was in a public restroom stall in an office building when I felt a mild earthquake. It occurred to me that a bad way to die would be to have a building collapse on you while sitting on a toilet, only to be pulled out of the rubble on the evening news with your pants around your ankles, covered in excrement.

But even that ignominious scenario pales in comparison to the egress of Clifford Ray Jones, age 58, who was driving down I-75 in Detroit with his pants off, watching a pornographic video on his phone. His hands were somewhere other than at the recommended position of 10 and 2 on the steering wheel when he crashed his 1996 Toyota and was hurled out the sunroof.

It’s embarrassing enough to be 58 years old and driving a 20-year-old Toyota, but to be hurled out the sunroof and killed sans pants, that’s the ultimate.

I told my wife, “If this happens to me, when someone asks ‘How did your husband die?’ please make something up. That’s my final request.”

EppsNet Book Reviews: Mindset by Carol S. Dweck, Ph.D.

22 Dec 2015 /

Carol Dweck’s research is part of a tradition in psychology that shows the power of people’s beliefs. These may be beliefs that we’re aware of or unaware of but they strongly affect what we want and whether we succeed in getting it. This tradition also shows how changing people’s beliefs can have profound effects.

Dweck’s insight into fixed mindset (bad) vs. growth mindset (good) is powerful but there’s really not enough to it to sustain a book-length exposition without a lot of repetition and illustrational anecdotes, the problem with which is 1) they tend to be overly simple tales of triumph and failure with clearly identified causes; and 2) they ignore the inevitability of regression.

For example, two of the people Dweck identifies as exemplars of the growth mindset are Tiger Woods and Alex Rodriguez. Mindset was published in 2006, after which Woods’s career imploded in the wake of extramarital affairs with 100 or so women, and Rodriguez was suspended from baseball for cheating.

Among the companies singled out as possessing a growth mindset is Circuit City, which announced in January 2009 that it was going out of business.

Don’t get me wrong here, I think Dweck’s work is insightful and illuminating, I just don’t think it works well as a book. For a shorter introduction, try, for example, “The Secret to Raising Smart Kids,” recently published in Scientific American.

Rating: 3-stars

Mutual Admiration

5 Oct 2015 /

Our boy is very handsome, his mom says. She says she can’t understand how that happened.

“You don’t think I’m handsome?” I ask.

“We’re average-looking people, let’s be honest about it. You don’t agree?”

“I think you’re very beautiful.”

“You’re very handsome,” she says, after a pause almost too short to notice.

The Perfect Murder, Revisited

21 Sep 2015 /


Man hanging on branch

I have long maintained that the best way to kill someone and get away with it is to push them off a cliff. It’s simple, clean. no need to dispose of evidence, and reasonable doubt is almost assured.

It’s not totally foolproof however. Let’s look at where the defendant in this case went wrong:

Harold Henthorn scouted the remote area of the popular park 75 miles north of Denver nine times before bringing his wife with him. He was searching for the “perfect place to murder someone,” where there would be no witnesses and no chance of her surviving, prosecutor Suneeta Hazra said.

Don’t make nine trips to reconnoiter the scene of the crime. Don’t even make one trip. It’s both unnecessary and highly suspect.

Prosecutors argued the fatal fall was reminiscent of the death of Henthorn’s first wife, Sandra Lynn Henthorn, who was crushed when a car slipped off a jack while they were changing a flat tire in 1995 — several months after their 12th wedding anniversary. Henthorn has not been charged in that case, but police reopened the investigation after Toni Henthorn’s death.

Details of the earlier case dominated the trial. A paramedic who responded to the 1995 accident testified that Henthorn didn’t seem upset by what had happened, and an investigator said a shoe print found on the vehicle suggested it might have been pushed.

There’s a reason magicians never repeat the same trick. Just count yourself lucky for getting away with killing the first wife. A shoe print?! No . . . don’t kill any more wives.

Why was the first wife under the car to change a tire? I’ll lift the tire, honey, and you get under there and help me pull it on from the back. I would not want to explain that in a court of law.


She inherited a million bucks and when she died it came to me
I can’t help it if I’m lucky

More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of: People Married to Their Best Friend

20 Sep 2015 /
Rhett and Scarlett

It’s not very romantic, first of all. Did Romeo and Juliet marry their best friend? Did Liz and Dick marry their best friend? Did Scott and Zelda marry their best friend? Did Rhett and Scarlett marry their best friend?

A married person has to fill so many roles already: husband/wife, parent, sex partner, wage earner, handyman, cook, mental health professional, grammar coach, etc., etc., etc. A little help on the best friend front would be a welcome breath of fresh air.

I don’t know who my wife’s best friend is and I don’t care, as long as it’s not me. Men: if you need a best friend, buy a dog.

Lacking Presentation

27 Jun 2015 /


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