EppsNet Archive: Murder

See You in Hell: San Bernardino Edition

6 Dec 2015 /

Satan

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE]

It’s hard to believe in a God who meddles in people’s lives . . .

"We are a city full of hopeful optimists, who are still here and who will stay here because we believe God has something…

Posted by Los Angeles Times on Friday, December 4, 2015

God has something great planned for San Bernardino! Unfortunately his plan included murdering 14 people, but with that being said, he’s got something great up his sleeve for everyone who’s still alive!

Oh the inhumanity! God works in mysterious ways and so do I.

See you in Hell . . .


The Perfect Murder, Revisited

21 Sep 2015 /

Headline

Man hanging on branch

I have long maintained that the best way to kill someone and get away with it is to push them off a cliff. It’s simple, clean. no need to dispose of evidence, and reasonable doubt is almost assured.

It’s not totally foolproof however. Let’s look at where the defendant in this case went wrong:

Harold Henthorn scouted the remote area of the popular park 75 miles north of Denver nine times before bringing his wife with him. He was searching for the “perfect place to murder someone,” where there would be no witnesses and no chance of her surviving, prosecutor Suneeta Hazra said.

Don’t make nine trips to reconnoiter the scene of the crime. Don’t even make one trip. It’s both unnecessary and highly suspect.

Prosecutors argued the fatal fall was reminiscent of the death of Henthorn’s first wife, Sandra Lynn Henthorn, who was crushed when a car slipped off a jack while they were changing a flat tire in 1995 — several months after their 12th wedding anniversary. Henthorn has not been charged in that case, but police reopened the investigation after Toni Henthorn’s death.

Details of the earlier case dominated the trial. A paramedic who responded to the 1995 accident testified that Henthorn didn’t seem upset by what had happened, and an investigator said a shoe print found on the vehicle suggested it might have been pushed.

There’s a reason magicians never repeat the same trick. Just count yourself lucky for getting away with killing the first wife. A shoe print?! No . . . don’t kill any more wives.

Why was the first wife under the car to change a tire? I’ll lift the tire, honey, and you get under there and help me pull it on from the back. I would not want to explain that in a court of law.

 

She inherited a million bucks and when she died it came to me
I can’t help it if I’m lucky


A Lesson From the Godfather

29 Apr 2015 /

“There are men in this world,” he said, “who go about demanding to be killed. You must have noticed them. They quarrel in gambling games, they jump out of their automobiles in a rage if someone so much as scratches their fender, they humiliate and bully people whose capabilities they do not know. I have seen a man, a fool, deliberately infuriate a group of dangerous men, and he himself without any resources. These are people who wander through the world shouting, ‘Kill me. Kill me.’ And there is always someone ready to oblige them. We read about it in the newspapers every day.”

— Mario Puzo, The Godfather

The Last Straw

7 Apr 2015 /

http://www.nj.com/bergen/index.ssf/2015/04/100-year-old_man_killed_sleeping_wife_with_axe_fat.html

It’s never just one thing. Incidents accumulate over time.

We’d all murder our spouses if we lived long enough . . .


Suspect’s Outburst Stuns Courtroom!

5 Feb 2015 /

Suspect's outburst stuns courtroom

I clicked through on this . . . it turns out he’s on trial for murdering two police officers . . . and people are stunned by his irrational behavior? His lack of self-control? An outburst?! In a courtroom?! What a breach of decorum!


What Comes Around Goes Around

16 Jul 2014 /

Via MSN News:

honor-killing

It’s a little-known fact that if a woman survives an honor killing, the would-be killers must themselves be killed in an honor killing for botching the original honor killing.


See You in Hell, Carl Douglas

5 May 2014 /

Satan

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE]

“It put a smile on my face that finally [Donald Sterling] would be unable to deny the racist allegations against him,” said Carl Douglas, a lawyer who represented former Clippers general manager Elgin Baylor in a lawsuit against Sterling.

Carl Douglas is best known as a member of the O.J. Simpson defense team. O.J. Simpson has done some regrettable things, like murdering a couple of white people, but at least he’s never made negative remarks about Magic Johnson photos on Instagram.

See you in Hell . . .

P.S. Carl Douglas the lawyer should not be confused with Carl Douglas the “Kung Fu Fighting” singer. Him, I like.


Death Row Headlines We’d Like to See

19 Mar 2014 /

I saw this headline on MSN News this morning:

Texas Set to Execute Aspiring Rapper

Here’s an undated photo of the musical murderer:

Ray Jasper

Ray Jasper

The fact that he was an aspiring rapper seems comically irrelevant to the fact that he was convicted of slitting a man’s throat — which didn’t kill him — and then stabbing him — which did.

Some future Death Row headlines we might expect to see from MSN:

  • Texas Set to Execute Aspiring Comic with 37 Twitter Followers
  • Texas Set to Execute Amateur Banjo Player
  • Texas Set to Execute Man With Irritating Laugh

Another Reason I Stopped Meeting Women on Craigslist

17 Feb 2014 /

http://nation.time.com/2014/02/16/craigslist-killer-satanic-cult/?iid=obnetwork


A (Nearly) Perfect Murder

14 Sep 2013 /

A Montana woman was charged on Monday with killing her husband of eight days by pushing him off a cliff at Glacier National Park during an argument and after expressing doubts about the marriage, court records show.

Jordan Graham, 22, was charged with second-degree murder in U.S. District Court in Missoula stemming from the July 7 death of her husband, Cody Johnson, 25, of Kalispell. . . .

Graham on July 11 reported to emergency dispatchers at Glacier National Park that she had found her husband’s body below a steep hiking path. It was not immediately clear how far he had fallen.

Graham later admitted to authorities that she had lied about Johnson’s death and that she had shoved him off a cliff during an argument while hiking.

Jordan Graham taking a page from my playbook, in which I postulated years ago that the best way to murder someone and get away with it would be to push them off a cliff, because it would be very hard to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that the fall wasn’t accidental.

Maybe I should have added, although it seems obvious, “unless you confess to the crime.”

On the flip side: Don’t get into an argument with your spouse when you’re standing at the edge of a cliff.


See You in Hell, New Orleans

4 Sep 2013 /

Satan

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE]

A 1-year-old girl was shot dead in her babysitter’s arms in New Orleans, prompting the city’s mayor to declare “enough is enough” as police hunted for two suspects with little help from witnesses.

Londyn Samuels, who was just learning to walk, was struck by a bullet fired into her 18-year-old nanny’s back as she carried the toddler home from the park.

There’s a train they call the City of New Orleans, and it is on a fast track to Hell.

First of all, let me say for the record that everyone is equal in Hell — regardless of race, color, religion, creed, national origin, blah blah blah, or any other legally protected status.

That said, when I see a headline like 1-year-old shot to death on New Orleans street, I know when I click through, I’m going to see a black face on the other side.

White people have their own peccadilloes, but they don’t shoot babies in the street.

As for the second part of the headline — “Enough is enough” — an 11-year-old New Orleans girl rocking her baby cousin to sleep was killed a few days later when gunmen started shooting into her house.

It’s getting to where I myself am afraid to go to New Orleans. Ha ha, no I’m not, but you see what I mean.

Anyway, here’s some advice from a guy who’s been around: If you’re black, and you want to be remembered fondly, or remembered at all, make sure you get shot by someone who’s not black.

For example: a kid in Florida named Trayvon Martin was shot by a Hispanic man with a white name: George Zimmerman. Everyone remembers Trayvon Martin. Even the president talks about him. Black “leaders” shuffle his parents in front of various assemblages demanding Justice for Trayvon.

He’s remembered lovingly by people willing to overlook the fact that he was trying to beat George Zimmerman to death when, unfortunately for him, Zimmerman pulled a gun and shot him.

Trayvon Martin is . . . well, let’s just say that God doesn’t like violent troublemakers, despite being a violent troublemaker himself. What a phony.

Londyn Samuels

Londyn Samuels

Londyn Samuels is in heaven, of course. She led a short, blameless life.

But because the man who shot her was black, not only is no one demanding Justice for Londyn, witnesses won’t come forward to ID the shooter, and no black “leader” has directed so much as a “shame on you” toward anyone involved.

See you in Hell!


Blacks Benefit Most from ‘Stand Your Ground’

20 Jul 2013 /

African Americans benefit from Florida’s “Stand Your Ground” self-defense law at a rate far out of proportion to their presence in the state’s population, despite an assertion by Attorney General Eric Holder that repealing “Stand Your Ground” would help African Americans.

Black Floridians have made about a third of the state’s total “Stand Your Ground” claims in homicide cases, a rate nearly double the black percentage of Florida’s population. The majority of those claims have been successful, a success rate that exceeds that for Florida whites.


Homicidal Cab Drivers: Another Reason I Prefer to Just Stay Home

8 Jul 2013 /
http://worldnews.nbcnews.com/_news/2013/07/08/19346962-american-hacked-to-death-over-160-cab-fare-thai-police-say?lite

Demonizing Bogeymen

20 Apr 2013 /

From Salon, before the bombers were identified, captured and/or killed:

http://www.salon.com/2013/04/18/extremists_blame_everyone_but_white_men_for_boston_bombings_partner/

Shame on everyone who assumed that the bombers were Muslims from a foreign land! Wait — what? They were Muslims from a foreign land? OK, never mind.

Calling out “far-right extremists” for “demonizing bogeymen” is either hilariously ironic or depressingly symptomatic of American decline. Since Salon is not known for its satire, I have to go with the latter.


What Happens in Vegas

23 Dec 2012 /

An alleged fight between two female blackjack dealers at the Bellagio hotel-casino in Las Vegas sent one of the women to the hospital and the other to jail.

It was the second violent incident inside a Las Vegas Strip casino in recent days. Last week, an Illinois man shot and killed his ex-girlfriend and then himself in the lobby of the Excalibur resort. The woman was an employee of the resort.

Hasn’t NBC News heard of the “What happens in Vegas . . .” code?

Long-Term Thirty Five


It’s Not Just the Guns

15 Dec 2012 /
John Wayne

Within a week or so, we’ve had Jovan Belcher, the mall shooting in Oregon and 26 people killed at a school in Connecticut. I’m hearing that maybe we should do something about guns.

But we’ve always had guns. Since the country was founded July 4, 1776, Americans have had guns, and for most of that time, we’ve managed to live with each other without a mass murder a week.

It can’t be just the guns.

One of the most appalling things to me about modern American society is the way increasingly graphic violence is peddled as entertainment. Turn on the TV: mass murder is entertainment. Grotesque, violent death is “great television.”

Serial killers in movies are the heroes. They can’t be killed off because they’ve got to come back and kill more people in the next sequel.

I know John Wayne used to kill people in movies, but when the Duke shot people, they just grabbed their gut and toppled over. It couldn’t possibly have been more fake. Now when someone gets shot in a movie, they have to be shot in the head. Shooting someone in the head is horrific. And there has to be blood spatter on walls or bystanders or both. And this is entertainment.

It diminishes humanity. It’s bad karma to pretend to kill and be killed for public amusement. It’s bad karma to trifle with death.


Following the Debate on Twitter

17 Oct 2012 /
Twitter

Typical Romney supporter:

“Five million jobs doesn’t even keep up woth [sic] our population growth.”–Romney. Obama’s solution: free contraceptives! #2012

Typical Obama supporter:

IF ROMNEY GETS ELECTED AND TAKES AWAY MY FOOD STAMPS IMA SEND SOMEONE TO MURDER HIS ASS


Provoke Not Your Children to Wrath

12 Sep 2012 /

And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord . . .

http://www.dailynews.com/news/ci_21518930/neighbor-saw-north-hollywood-man-laughing-police-arrested


More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of

16 Aug 2012 /

I’m going to savagely murder the next person I hear use the word “spend” as a noun, as in “leveraging our spend.”

Spend is a verb. Spending is a noun, e.g., “leveraging our spending.” I would still have to maim you for saying “leveraging” though, so try “getting the most for our money.”

You can also avoid death by saying “How much does it cost?” instead of “What is our spend?”

You have been warned.


Sadly, Nation Knows Exactly How Colorado Shooting’s Aftermath Will Play Out

20 Jul 2012 /

“The calls not to politicize the tragedy should be starting in an hour, but by 1:30 p.m. tomorrow the issue will have been politicized. Also, I wouldn’t be surprised if the shooter’s high school classmate is interviewed within 45 minutes.”

“It’s like clockwork,” said Gerson, who sighed, shook his head, and walked away.

The Onion

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