EppsNet Archive: Dogs

My Name is Fido

3 Oct 2015 /

From an actual email:


My name is Fido and I’m an IT recruiter at TechDigital Corporation. We are currently hiring a .Net Developer/Software Engineer preferrably [sic] with experience in the Financial domain for a W2 or C2C Contract for one of our direct clients in Green Bay, WI.

Fido Xavier

  1. I live in California. Are there no software engineers in Wisconsin or anywhere between California and Wisconsin?
  2. On the Internet, no one knows you’re a dog.

Thus spoke The Programmer.

A Pug is Playing the Drums

22 Sep 2015 /

Overheard (Samuel T. Coleridge Edition)

22 Sep 2015 /

Samuel Taylor Coleridge

HIM: Sir Leoline, the Baron rich– Hath a toothless mastiff bitch–
HER: Which.
HIM: I beg your pardon.
HER: Which, not bitch.
HIM: We’ll look it up.

More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of: People Married to Their Best Friend

20 Sep 2015 /
Rhett and Scarlett

It’s not very romantic, first of all. Did Romeo and Juliet marry their best friend? Did Liz and Dick marry their best friend? Did Scott and Zelda marry their best friend? Did Rhett and Scarlett marry their best friend?

A married person has to fill so many roles already: husband/wife, parent, sex partner, wage earner, handyman, cook, mental health professional, grammar coach, etc., etc., etc. A little help on the best friend front would be a welcome breath of fresh air.

I don’t know who my wife’s best friend is and I don’t care, as long as it’s not me. Men: if you need a best friend, buy a dog.

Dogs in San Francisco

7 Sep 2015 /
Dachshund and Golden Gate Bridge

If you’re a dog or a recently released felon, you are welcome in San Francisco. Not only are there lots of people walking in SF, there are lots of people walking with dogs. French Bulldogs, Huskies and Pomeranians seems to be especially popular.

Until he got too old to really enjoy it, I took Lightning to the Irvine dog park six days a week (it’s closed on Wednesdays) for years. I’ve spent a lot of time around dogs, so I’m better than most people at identifying dog breeds.

We were walking in San Francisco last weekend when my wife pointed and asked “What kind of dog is that?” Before I could say “It’s a Labradoodle,” our boy said “Labradoodle.”

I must have been visibly stunned because he then asked me “Were you going to say ‘Goldendoodle’?”

“No . . . you’re pretty good at identifying dogs now.” This is a totally new talent. When he left Irvine, I’m not sure he could tell a dog from a squirrel . . .

I Can’t See Anymore But I Am Still Handsome

6 Aug 2015 /

Hi everybody! It’s me, Lightning!

I’m almost 84 years old now in dog years. I can’t see anymore and my joints are not too good but aging doesn’t dampen the spirits of pugs like it does with people.

I can remember where things are in the house (unless someone moves them) so I can still walk around without bumping into a lot of things. The good thing is that I can sometimes smack into a door or a wall or a piece of furniture without affecting my handsome appearance because my face is flat already.

— Lightning paw


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Still Life with Pug

29 Jun 2015 /


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I Don’t Know How Starbucks Stays in Business

21 Jun 2015 /

Hi everybody! It’s me, Lightning!

On weekend mornings my owner goes to Starbucks and brings back a pup cup of whipped cream for me!

Today I noticed on my cup that if I don’t love my pup cup they’ll make me another one for free!

“The pup cups are always free,” my owner says. “You don’t have to tell them you didn’t love it to get a free one.”

I don’t know how Starbucks stays in business if they’re giving away the most delicious stuff for free.

— Lightning paw

Teaching Computer Science: The Last Day

13 Jun 2015 /
Space Invaders

On the last day of class, I gave students the code for a partially working Space Invaders game, along with instructions for adding collision detection and completing the implementation. The instructions didn’t leave too much to the imagination because I wanted to give everyone a chance to finish out the year on a successful note. I estimated it to be about a 30-minute activity. It didn’t occur to me that that students would do anything but finish the program and spend whatever time was left over blasting aliens.

What they actually did was, they finished the program, tweaked the firing interval so they could shoot faster, changed the speed of the sprites, added more aliens, changed the program to shoot two bullets at a time instead of one, changed the program to shoot five bullets at a time, enabled the aliens to drop bombs, had the game recognize that when the alien count gets to zero, it should stop and write You Won or Game Over, switched the image files to cooler looking spaceships and missiles . . . one student changed the alien image to a picture of my dog (available from a previous assignment), pugs from outer space.

So when I say that we couldn’t have had a better group of students, that’s the kind of thing I’m talking about. They exceeded expectations on all metrics. I wish I could have thanked each of them individually for their unique contributions to the class.

Programming is what I do, it’s been a big part of my life for a long time. I’m glad to have had the opportunity to share it and I’m sad that it’s ending . . .

My 2nd Favorite Hockey Team

31 May 2015 /
Lightning at the Dog Park

Hi, everybody! It’s me, Lightning!

I’m sad today because the Ducks lost. The Ducks are my favorite hockey team. I like to watch hockey games on TV with my owner because even though I’m old and I can’t see anymore I like the sounds of the skates and the pucks and the sticks.

My second favorite hockey team is the Lightning. I hope they win the Stanley Cup. I like to watch Lightning games because the TV says “… blah blah blah Lightning blah blah blah Lightning blah blah blah Lightning …”

— Lightning paw

I Will Show You How a Pug Eats an Ice Cream Cone

23 May 2015 /

Hi everybody! It’s me, Lightning!

There’s a funny video of dogs eating ice cream on the internet:

The puggle on the left is an embarrassment! What kind of dog eats ice cream like that? She would not last one day in the wild! Do beagles eat ice cream like that?

I am old and I can’t even see anymore so if there’s something in front of me I can’t tell what size or shape it is but when I decide that it’s edible I CHOMP on it!

— Lightning paw

Pug Photo on Flickr

22 May 2015 /

enjoy a sun bathing after shower

Photo by laputa

Teaching Computer Science: Lesson Planning

24 Apr 2015 /

It’s exhausting work . . .

Three is Enough

25 Mar 2015 /

Dalmatian dog looking at dalmatian fish

One of the neighbor ladies is over talking to my wife while Lightning and I entertain two of her three daughters, ages 3 and 7.

“I want a dog like Lightning,” the 7-year-old says. “We just have boring fish.”

“What does your mom say about that?” I ask.

“She says having a dog is a lot of work.”

“It is a lot of work.”

“She says the three of us are enough work already.”

Yes, I’m Ready for the Big Game!

1 Feb 2015 /

People keep asking me, “Lightning, are you ready for the Big Game?” OF COURSE I’M READY FOR THE BIG GAME! Look at me … how could I be any more ready than I already am?!

P.S. Wake me up if there are any pug commercials this year.

— Lightning paw

Lightning 2015-02-01

The Lazy Dog

26 Jan 2015 /

The lazy dog


I Can Still Eat

5 Sep 2014 /

Hi everybody! It’s me, Lightning! My owner bought each of us a chicken sandwich from Chick-fil-A. He’s a fast eater but I ate my whole sandwich before he was even half way done with his!

I’m very old now. I can hardly see, hear or walk. But my eating ability has not dropped off AT ALL!

— Lightning paw


By Way of Explanation

14 Aug 2014 /

I was yelling this morning and I scared the dog. I wasn’t angry at him or at anyone in the house, I was angry about a whole life insurance scam we got in the mail. (That’s redundant, isn’t it? “Whole life insurance scam”?)

Anyway, the dog got scared and crawled under the bed. His joints, especially in his back legs, are not too good anymore and once he got under the bed, he couldn’t get back out. I had to crawl under there myself, roll him on his side, which he didn’t like, and then slide him out.

That’s in case you’re wondering why I showed up late for work this morning looking like I just crawled out from under a bed . . .

Did Robin Williams Have a Dog?

13 Aug 2014 /

Hi everybody! It’s me, Lightning!

I’m seeing a person named Robin Williams on TV a lot. He always seems excited and happy, like a puppy! It’s scaring people that he ended his own life.

Dogs never end their own life, no matter what. You might think we couldn’t do that but we could run in front of a car or jump off a balcony, just to name a couple of things.

I wonder if Robin Williams had a dog . . .

My owner and I are getting old together. We can’t run like we used to, or see very well or hear very well. He’s sad about it sometimes but I think it helps people to see dogs trying our best in every situation. Everything is temporary.

— Lightning paw

On the Ottoman

Lightning Got a Personalized Pup Cup

20 Jul 2014 /

When I go to Starbucks on weekends I always get a pup cup — a short cup of whipped cream — for Lightning. No one ever asks me about it . . . I just place my own order, ask for a short cup of whipped cream, they write “Paul” on both cups and serve them up.

Today the Starbucks girl was puzzled. “You want a short cup of whipped cream?” she asked.

“A short cup of whipped cream, right.”

She still had a puzzled look on her face. Maybe she thought what I really wanted was cream.

“It’s for my dog,” I said.

“Your dog likes whipped cream?”

“He loves it.”

“What’s your dog’s name?”



“Right. Like thunder and lightning.”

So this morning, after years of eating pup cups with someone else’s name on them, Lightning got his own personalized pup cup.


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