EppsNet Archive: Dogs

Fear of Lightning

30 Mar 2014 /

Is Fear of Lightning Normal?

Lightning Epps

Yes! Especially if you’re a dog!

Ordinarily, I’m very loving but I don’t put up with a lot of nonsense!

— Lightning paw

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Don’t Try to Be Funny at the Vet

30 Mar 2014 /
Veterinary Hospital Parking

(Photo credit: www.myparkingsign.com)

I’m picking up a prescription for Lightning at the vet . . . the new girl, Lauren, is at the desk.

“It’s a little different this time,” Lauren says. “We didn’t have the Prednisone 5mg, so we’re giving you Prednisone 10mg, and instead of giving him half a tablet, you’ll give him a quarter of a tablet. I already cut them.”

“Oh gosh, thanks! Did you cut them on the lines?” Lauren is new so she hasn’t heard this one yet.

“To the best of my ability.”

“That’s good. Lightning doesn’t like it when they’re not cut on the lines.”

She’s not getting the joke but that’s okay. I’ll help her out by taking it completely into the realm of the absurd.

“He feels like it doesn’t show attention to detail,” I say.

“I’ll make a note of that for next time.”

“Yes, you should do that. Go ahead and write it on his chart.”

Pet owners — I know this from spending a lot of time at dog parks — are likely to attribute all sorts of human thoughts and emotions to their animals, so I guess if you work in a veterinary clinic, you can’t assume that customers are joking just because what they’re saying is totally irrational . . .


I Am the Bath Day Messenger

22 Mar 2014 /
Lightning and his Bear

Lightning and his Bear

My wife is preparing to give the dog a bath in the kitchen sink . . .

I say, “Lightning says be sure to warm up the water before you start spraying him with it.”

“I always do that.”

“He says that in his experience, the water is sometimes too cold . . . I’m just telling you what he said. Don’t shoot the messenger.”

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Spa Day at the Vet and Erica’s Departure

2 Mar 2014 /

I dropped Lightning off at the vet for grooming . . .

“Make it like a spa day for him,” I said. “With lots of pampering. Don’t just put him in the sink and soak him down like we do at home. Make it free pampering though, nothing that will cause extra charges to accrue. By the way, where’s Erica?”

Erica is usually at the desk on weekends but today there was a new girl. The new girl, Lauren, said that Erica is moving to Arizona and won’t be working there anymore.

“She will be greatly missed,” Lauren said.

She sure will. People are insane when it comes to their pets and Erica was always extremely patient and attentive — extremely.

I wish I had the kind of personality that makes people miss me when I go away but oh well . . . I guess I have other qualities. Everyone’s different.

/

Later, when I picked Lightning up, they’d put a bow around his neck, which is a new thing. Usually they don’t decorate the dog.

“Oh that’s nice,” I said. “Is there an extra charge for that?”

“Yeah,” said Lauren, “it’s 50 dollars.”

I miss Erica . . .


A Trip to the Vet

25 Feb 2014 /
prednisone 5mg

Prednisone 5mg (Photo credit: denn)

I’m picking up a prescription for Lightning at the vet. He takes 5mg/day of a steroid for his joints, half a tablet in the morning and half at night.

The tablets are scored to make them easier to cut in half, but the vet staff uses a pill cutter, making cutting on the scoring actually a little more difficult because you have to line up each pill.

It’s better to cut them on the scoring, because the pills are small and they can crumble if they’re cut across the scoring, but it’s more time-consuming.

“Are the pills cut on the lines?” I ask the woman at the desk. “Lightning doesn’t like it when they’re not cut on the lines.”

“He doesn’t like it?” she says.

“He feels like it doesn’t show attention to detail.”

Some of the women at our vet’s office have a sense of humor and some don’t. Today we have one of the serious ones.

“I’m just telling you,” I say. “Don’t shoot the messenger.”


Thank You for Smoking

31 Oct 2013 /

According to the American Cancer Society, smoking kills about 1 in 5 people in the United States.

Is that bad? If so, why? You’ve got to die somehow. Would it be better if those people died from some other cause? How would you prefer to see them die?

James Bond

Also: Some percentage of Americans would rather be dead than alive anyway. I don’t know what that number is, but I’d bet it’s higher than 1 in 5.

(If you Google “percentage of people who would rather be dead,” the top results all point to a 2008 survey in which 52 percent of respondents said they would rather be dead than disabled.

If you change the search to “percentage of people who would rather be dead than alive,” you get a mishmash of links, including a few more links to the “dead vs. disabled” survey, but you still don’t get the number you’re looking for. Phoning up random Americans and asking if they’d rather be dead is evidently not considered an appropriate thing to do, although it seems like a highly relevant question to me.

Slight digression: I also found a survey in which people were given the option of saving either their pet dog or a foreign tourist from in front of an onrushing bus. Forty percent chose the dog, which seems low to me.)

Anyway, the American Cancer Society goes on to say:

About half of all Americans who keep smoking will die because of the habit. Each year about 443,000 people in the United States die from illnesses related to tobacco use. Smoking cigarettes kills more Americans than alcohol, car accidents, suicide, AIDS, homicide, and illegal drugs combined.

Where does that number — 443,000 — come from? The problem with throwing out numbers on smoking deaths is that there’s no way to know that any given smoker died because of smoking.

If a smoker dies from lung cancer, is that automatically counted as a smoking-related death? There’s no way you can know that. Because non-smokers get lung cancer too. Not as often as smokers, but they get it.

You can look at a lot of cases collectively and say that smoking is associated with a higher risk of lung cancer. You could even say that smoking causes lung cancer. But for any given person, you can’t say that this person’s lung cancer was caused by smoking and if he didn’t smoke, he would not have died of lung cancer.

Same thing with other diseases — if a smoker dies of heart disease or a stroke, is that because of smoking? There’s no way you can know that.

The second problem with the numbers is that if smoking kills 1 person in 5 (20 percent), and half of all smokers die because of smoking, then you’d have about 40 percent of Americans as smokers. That’s too high. According to the CDC, 19 percent of U.S. adults are smokers (as of 2011).

Why not keep it real, skip the bogus numbers and say, “Smoking helps some people get through the day. It revs them up or it calms them down or I don’t know what it does, but it helps them get through the day. That being said, there are other ways to get through the day, and setting a vegetable product on fire and inhaling the smoke into your lungs is clearly not the most healthful thing you can do.”


Lightning’s 6 Keys to Marital Bliss

27 Oct 2013 /

Hi everybody! It’s me, Lightning!

Lightning at the Dog Park

What does a dog know about marriage is what you are probably asking yourself. Well, I know about lighthearted enjoyment of life and overcoming negativity, and negativity is a big problem in human relationships. That is what I see.

So here are my tips:

  1. Be positive and not negative. Remove all negativity. I have done this every day now for 10 years. You should start out and try for at least 30 days in a row.
  2. Show your partner every day that you love them and appreciate them.
  3. If your partner says or does something that you don’t understand, be curious about it and not judgmental.
  4. Make your partner feel completely safe around you.
  5. Have fun together.
  6. Be a predictable source of pleasure.

— Lightning paw


We Named the Dog “Indiana”

19 Oct 2013 /

Indiana Jones


Snakes. Why’d it Have to Be Snakes?

19 Oct 2013 /

Indiana Jones


I Killed a Guy in Florida

5 Sep 2013 /

Lightning in Florida

Lightning Epps

Hi everybody! it’s me, Lightning!

I knew I should have killed those two guys under the truck so there wouldn’t be any witnesses.

HA HA! Kidding! I wasn’t even in Florida!

— Lightning paw


Comedy Pug

30 Aug 2013 /
Lightning at the Dog Park

Hi everybody! It’s me, Lightning!

I never have any leftovers when I eat but if I did, I would ask for a doggie bag.

WHAAAAA–?! Thanks, I’ll be here all week!

— Lightning paw

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Animal Cruelty

25 Aug 2013 /
Lightning at the Dog Park

Hi everybody! It’s me, Lightning!

I’m so mad! The guy behind us in the Starbucks drive-thru lane is taking pictures of himself and his dog but he’s not SHOWING the pictures to the dog!

YOU HAVE TO SHOW THE PICTURES TO THE DOG! GRRRRRRR!

— Lightning paw


A Lot on My Plate

25 Aug 2013 /
Lightning at the Dog Park

Hi, everybody! It’s me, Lightning!

I hear people say “I’ve got a lot on my plate” like it’s a bad thing. I LOVE to have a lot on my plate!

We’re talking about food, right?

— Lightning paw

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Hot August Morning

19 Aug 2013 /

It’s going to be another hot day! Not even 8 a.m. and I’m panting already!

— Lightning paw


Were They Boxers?

12 Aug 2013 /
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Things That Scare Other People’s Dogs Do Not Scare Our Dog

4 Jul 2013 /
Taking a nap

We went out to watch the city of Irvine fireworks show. Best use of our tax dollars since last year’s show!

As we drove back to the house, I said, “I hope the fireworks didn’t scare Lightning.”

He was asleep on his bed. He’s not scared of anything.


Dogged by Protesters

15 Jun 2013 /

Obama dogged by protesters on bay visitSFGate

Dogged by protesters?! If he ever comes to Orange County, he’ll be PROTESTED BY DOGS!

My owner pays so many taxes that there’s hardly any money left for pug treats! :(

— Lightning paw

On the Ottoman


This Is My House

20 May 2013 /
My house

Hi, everybody! Here’s a picture of me taking a nap on my porch.

I know what you’re thinking: “Lightning, did you refinance to take advantage of the low interest rates?”

HAHA . . . I OWN THIS PLACE FREE AND CLEAR! IT’S PAID OFF!

— Lightning paw

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Happy Mothers Day!

12 May 2013 /

Hi Mom! It’s me, Lightning! Happy Mothers Day!

Sometimes I wonder if you’re still alive. I know you could be, even though I’m almost 70 years old myself.

Here’s a recent picture of me . . .

On the Ottoman

I’m taking a lot of naps now that I’m older. Although come to think of it, I took a lot of naps when I was younger too!

I can’t move my legs very well now — my back legs, mostly. They don’t hurt, but I can’t feel them very much and I can’t tell where they are. It’s funny that I used to be the fastest pug and now I’m the slowest.

I remember you told me that dogs teach people about two things:

  1. Unconditional love, and
  2. Nothing lasts forever. Everything ends so don’t take anything for granted, even for one day.

If you don’t hear from me next Mothers Day, it’s not because I forgot. If I go to heaven first, I’ll wait for you and we’ll all be together again!

Love,

Lightning paw


A Waiting Game

6 May 2013 /

Hi everybody! It’s me, Lightning!

I hate to admit it but I’m getting old. My mind is still sharp and I’m still handsome but I can’t move my legs very well anymore. I feel like pretty soon I won’t be able to move them at all and when that happens . . .

My owner promised to take care of me all the way so I’m not scared. He tells me he loves me. He never used to tell me that but I knew anyway.

He asked his wife the other day if it’s okay to say “Love you” to a dog. “It feels a little silly,” he said, “but maybe he understands it.”

I think he knows that our time together is almost over . . .

I love this ottoman!


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