EppsNet Archive: Movies

See You in Hell: Rifles Have an Undeservedly Bad Reputation

28 Feb 2018 /

Satan

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE]

Greetings from the Lake of Fire!

I was perusing the FBI data on murder weapons in the U.S. For 2016, what do you think was the most frequently employed murder weapon?

Survey SAYS — handguns! The weapon of choice in 7,105 murders. I blame the NRA!

Ha ha, just messing with you there. The NRA has nothing to do with the existence of evil in the world. That’s my department.

That handgun number is actually a little low, because the FBI also reports more than 3,000 gun murders where the type of firearm is not specified — and it’s almost always a handgun.

Running a distant second behind guns: knives, used to end the life of 1,604 Americans in 2016.

Now here’s a surprising one: 656 people killed by “personal weapons,” which essentially means beating someone to death with your bare hands. Kicking is also allowed in this category, as is pushing someone to their death — off a cliff, in front of a bus, etc.

More people were killed by personal weapons (656) than by blunt objects (472), i.e., beating someone to death with a hammer or a bat. Why are more people not using a weapon? I guess they like a challenge.

Now let’s talk about rifles. Rifles have an undeservedly bad reputation in my opinion. Rifles can be used for sporting purposes and for self-defense, but they can also be used as a murder weapon.

In 2016, 374 Americans were murdered with a rifle.

Everyone wants to ban rifles! No one wants to ban knives, hammers or fists, which can also be used as murder weapons, but everyone wants to ban rifles. People are crazy.

P.S. Some approaches to murder are far more common in popular entertainments than in real life. Poisoning is common in murder mysteries but only 11 Americans were killed with poison in 2016. Only 1 person was killed with explosives, even though I can’t remember the last movie I saw that didn’t have at least one explosion.

Finally, let me say a word about inclusiveness. We don’t care who you are or how you get here. There are no special privileges in Hell.

You may have been an underrepresented minority on Earth. You may be one of the misfits who manages to get themselves poisoned. Rest assured that we treat everyone the same: abominably.

See you in Hell!


Camille Paglia on #MeToo and Damsels in Distress

27 Feb 2018 /

The big question is whether the present wave of revelations, often consisting of unsubstantiated allegations from decades ago, will aid women’s ambitions in the long run or whether it is already creating further problems by reviving ancient stereotypes of women as hysterical, volatile and vindictive.

My philosophy of equity feminism demands removal of all barriers to women’s advancement in the political and professional realms. However, I oppose special protections for women in the workplace. Treating women as more vulnerable, virtuous or credible than men is reactionary, regressive and ultimately counterproductive.

Complaints to the Human Resources department after the fact are no substitute for women themselves drawing the line against offensive behavior — on the spot and in the moment. Working-class women are often so dependent on their jobs that they cannot fight back, but there is no excuse for well-educated, middle-class women to elevate career advantage or fear of social embarrassment over their own dignity and self-respect as human beings. Speak up now, or shut up later! Modern democracy is predicated on principles of due process and the presumption of innocence. . . .

For all its idealistic good intentions, today’s #MeToo movement, with its indiscriminate catalog of victims, is taking us back to the Victorian archetypes of early silent film, where mustache-twirling villains tied damsels in distress to railroad tracks.

Embed from Getty Images


EppsNet at the Movies: A Man Called Ove

10 Feb 2018 /

A Man Called Ove is about love, death, friendship, aging, hope and heroic decency in the face of disaster. The film was nominated for two Academy Awards and was the highest-grossing foreign language film in the United States in 2016.

Tom Hanks is attached to star in a remake of this movie. I mention that in the hopes of motivating you to watch the original.

The Tom Hanks version will be terrible because the movie, as the title suggests, is about an ordinary man with a common name and the ordinary details that make up his life. Having the role played by a famous movie star is exactly the wrong thing to do.

Highly recommended!

Rating: 5 stars

A Man Called Ove

Ove, an ill-tempered, isolated retiree who spends his days enforcing block association rules and visiting his wife's grave, has finally given up on life just as an unlikely friendship develops with his boisterous new neighbors.

Director: Hannes Holm
Cast: Rolf Lassgård, Bahar Pars, Filip Berg, Ida Engvoll

IMDb rating: 7.7 (31380 votes)


People I Thought Were Dead

20 Dec 2017 /

Updates

  • Vic Damone – died 2/11/2018, age 89

Wild Wild Life

23 Oct 2017 /

Sleeping on the interstate oh oh oh
Getting wild, wild life
Checkin’ in, checkin’ out! Uh, huh!
I got a wild, wild life
Spending all of my money and time oh oh oh
Done too much wild, wild
We want to go, where we go, where we go oh oh oh
I doing wild, wild life


EppsNet at the Movies: The Matrix

11 Aug 2017 /

The Matrix is 75 percent juvenile philosophizing and 25 percent sci-fi action. Someone must have told the Wachowski brothers (now the Wachowski sisters) that they’re a lot smarter than they really are because the movie would have been much better with 25 percent juvenile philosophizing and 75 percent sci-fi action.

Rating:

The Matrix

A computer hacker learns from mysterious rebels about the true nature of his reality and his role in the war against its controllers.

Director: Lana Wachowski, Lilly Wachowski
Cast: Keanu Reeves Neo
Laurence Fishburne Morpheus
Carrie-Anne Moss Trinity
Hugo Weaving Agent Smith

IMDb rating: 7.7 (31380 votes)


EppsNet at the Movies: Superbad

7 Aug 2017 /

This inexplicably gets a good rating on IMDb. I couldn’t sit through 10 minutes of it. If your age and/or IQ is somewhere in the teens, you might enjoy it.

My rating would be lower but there was one funny joke.

Rating: 1 star

Superbad

Two co-dependent high school seniors are forced to deal with separation anxiety after their plan to stage a booze-soaked party goes awry.

Director: Greg Mottola
Cast: Michael Cera Evan
Jonah Hill Seth
Christopher Mintz-Plasse Fogell
Bill Hader Officer Slater

IMDb rating: 7.6 (459220 votes)


EppsNet at the Movies: Baby Driver

16 Jul 2017 /

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The dialogue is awful and the characters are trite — the criminal mastermind in his secret lair, the beautiful but deadly femme fatale, the trigger-happy psychopath, etc. — but once they stop talking and the action kicks in, it’s terrific!

Also: great soundtrack!

Rating: 4-stars

Baby Driver

[imdblive:plot]

Director: Edgar Wright
Cast: Ansel Elgort Baby
Jon Bernthal Griff
Jon Hamm Buddy
Eiza González Darling

IMDb rating: [imdblive:rating] ([imdblive:votes] votes)


One Thing I Can’t Tolerate is Intolerance: Yelp at Yale Edition

4 Jul 2017 /

According to the New York Times, June Chu, dean of Pierson College at Yale, lost her job after calling people “white trash” in Yelp reviews.

Here are some of (former) Dean Chu’s hot Yelp takes:

Regarding a Japanese restaurant: “If you are white trash, this is the perfect night out for you. . . . Side note: employees are Chinese, not Japanese.”

On a local movie theater: “So what they have is barely educated morons trying to manage snack orders for the obese and also try to add $7 plus $7.”

A mochi establishment: “Remember: I am Asian. I know mochi. . . . To be honest, you’d be better off getting mochi ice cream at Trader Joe’s! I guess if you were a white person who has no clue what mochi is, this would be fine for you.”

Remember: I am white. I know racism. This is not racism unless you are a lightweight, amateur racist. I’ve seen better racism at Trader Joe’s.

Really, those are perfectly fine Yelp reviews. Granted that some people are more easily offended than others, I would say that anyone offended by Chu’s posts should stay off Yelp, stay off the internet in general, and probably just stay in bed every morning and not leave their house.

P.S. I like Trader Joe’s mochi.

Anyway, Stephen Davis, head of Pierson College, which is evidently better than being the dean, said in announcing Chu’s departure:

“Let me be clear. No one, especially those in trusted positions of educating young people, should denigrate or stereotype others, and that extends to any form of discrimination based on class, race, religion, age, disability, gender identity, or sexual orientation.”

I’m not sure how the movie theater review violates those guidelines, unless an inability to add $7 plus $7 qualifies as a disability.

Davis went on to say:

“Yale unequivocally values respect for all. . . . what holds us together is our collective effort to ensure that every single person in our midst is valued beyond measure.”

As long as they think the right way, act the right way and speak the right way, and don’t write snarky Yelp reviews that reflect the way people actually talk in real life.


Regal Cinema is Alienating Me

28 May 2017 /
Regal Cinemas

Went to the movies yesterday and found that Regal Cinema has joined the ranks of Chevron and Walgreens as companies willing to hit up customers for a charitable donation as part of their regular purchase.

You’re part of an industry that burns up a billion dollars making pirate movies and Baywatch and special effects science fiction bullshit. Donate that money to whatever cause you’re passing the hat for, instead of hustling the customers for a donation over and above the price of a ticket and a 6-dollar soda and a 10-dollar sack of popcorn, and then tooting your own horn over your generosity and community involvement.


EppsNet at the Movies: The Accountant

17 Oct 2016 /

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The Accountant

The Ben Affleck character is at the high-functioning end of the autism spectrum, which means, among other things, that he has no social skills.

I also have no social skills. It’s exhausting just to be polite to people most of the time, let alone trying to be fun and interesting.

I’d like to be diagnosed with something that gives me a medical excuse for not having to do that.

The Ben Affleck character also has some cool and useful skills that he learned from his dad, whereas my dad never taught me anything except how to hold a grudge (not always useful).

Rating: 4-stars

The Accountant

[imdblive:plot]

Director: Gavin O’Connor
Cast: Ben Affleck Christian Wolff
Anna Kendrick Dana Cummings
J.K. Simmons Ray King
Jon Bernthal Brax

IMDb rating: [imdblive:rating] ([imdblive:votes] votes)


A Naked Person Wearing Glasses

17 Jul 2016 /
Shower

I get out of the shower and, reversing my normal procedure, put on my glasses before getting dressed . . .

“Is it funny to see a naked person wearing glasses?” I ask my wife.

“No, I see that all the time.”

“You do? Where?”

“Uh . . . in a movie.”


Hillary Clinton and the New Ghostbusters

16 Jul 2016 /

The Democratic party and the makers of the new Ghostbusters movie apparently share the idea that you can foist a transparently awful product on the American public as long as you have females in the lead role(s).

Have you watched a Hillary Clinton speech? I yawn and cringe in equal measure.

Here is a video from a campaign stop in North Carolina where she reads the word “sigh” — intended as a cue that she should actually sigh at that point in the speech — from a teleprompter. I cringed twice, once when she read it and once when I reflected on the phoniness of a candidate needing to be scripted to that degree.


Who Says Creativity is Dead in Tinseltown?

30 Apr 2016 /
The Angry Birds Movie

Keep reaching for the stars, thespians.


13 Hours Snubbed at Oscars

1 Mar 2016 /
13 Hours

Michael Bays Benghazi movie was snubbed at the Academy Awards by the Hillary liberals. Maybe if instead of being a nationwide block buster it had been a Youtube video, democrats would of actually pretended like it deserved some credit for somthing.

PFT Commenter [sic all grammar and spelling]

Free Advice on Free Advice

5 Feb 2016 /
Shoulder pain

Today a colleague offered to fix the pain in my shoulder. “Sounds like a problem with the connective tissue,” he said. “I can push it back into place.”

“No,” I said. “No no no no no no no.”

“Why not? Are you homophobic?”

“Not wanting you to touch my shoulder is not homophobic.” Also this guy is not gay.

“You don’t trust me?”

“I was trying to think of a nice way to say that.”

“I have a gift for this. I’ve helped a lot of people.”

“You might be able to fix it. Probably you could. On the other hand, you might, just perhaps, push on it the wrong way and I lose the use of my left arm. Not worth the risk.”

He then recommended that I go to a health food store and buy some red something-or-other algae to use as an anti-inflammatory.

Which I’m not going to do . . . If someone recommends a movie I should see, I might check that out. Even if it turns out to be terrible, which it usually does, I’ve only lost a few bucks and a couple hours of time. Same with a restaurant. Or a book.

But on medical matters, when someone says “You should go to a health food store and buy some of this product and eat it,” I’m not going to do that because if I do that, and I die . . . because the recommender didn’t know anything about my health condition, medical history, medications I might be taking, didn’t know anything about chemistry, biology, pharmacology . . . I’m dead and the person who told me to do that is scratching his head going, “Hmmmm, that never happened before. Maybe I should have gone to medical school to actually learn something.”


Why Don’t Asians Care About the Oscars?

19 Jan 2016 /
Academy Award

From the Washington Post:

Very white Oscar nominations leave Academy president ‘heartbroken and frustrated’

From the Los Angeles Times:

Oscars 2016: It’s time for Hollywood to stop defining great drama as white men battling adversity

From the Wall Street Journal:

Black Actors and Directors Shut Out of 2016 Oscar Race

Why don’t Asians seem to care about the Oscar whiteness crisis that continues to rage unabated? Maybe they’re too busy with jobs and school . . .


Fight On Vader!

17 Dec 2015 /

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What Would Jesus Think of the Starbucks Boycott?

10 Nov 2015 /

Outraged Christians boycott Starbucks over ‘politically correct’ Christmas red cup designMirror Online

There’s a line in an old Woody Allen movie: If Jesus came back and saw what’s going on in his name, he’d never stop throwing up.


More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of

8 Nov 2015 /
At the movies
  • People who advise you to “embrace failure.” Probably good advice, but if I’ve heard it once, I’ve heard it ten thousand times. We get it: Embrace Failure. Let’s move on already. Extra demerits: You have opinions on other completely played-out topics like management vs. leadership and how to optimize your LinkedIn profile.
  • People who say “Can I put you on hold for a moment?” and then immediately put me on hold without giving me a chance to sigh ostentatiously and say “If you must.”
  • Full-grown adults who tell you how sexually attracted they are to an actor or actress in a movie. Extra demerits: You invent your own fawning vocabulary with words like “droolworthy.” Your ability to be sexually aroused by a fantasy on a movie screen doesn’t enhance my opinion of you at all. Try maintaining a relationship in real life with someone who’s no more attractive than you are, lover boy (or girl).

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