EppsNet Archive: Movies

EppsNet at the Movies: The Matrix

11 Aug 2017 /

The Matrix is 75 percent juvenile philosophizing and 25 percent sci-fi action. Someone must have told the Wachowski brothers (now the Wachowski sisters) that they’re a lot smarter than they really are because the movie would have been much better with 25 percent juvenile philosophizing and 75 percent sci-fi action.

Rating:

The Matrix

A computer hacker learns from mysterious rebels about the true nature of his reality and his role in the war against its controllers.

Director: Lana Wachowski, Lilly Wachowski
Cast: Keanu Reeves Neo
Laurence Fishburne Morpheus
Carrie-Anne Moss Trinity
Hugo Weaving Agent Smith

IMDb rating: 8.7 (1,337,031 votes)


EppsNet at the Movies: Superbad

7 Aug 2017 /

This inexplicably gets a good rating on IMDb. I couldn’t get through 10 minutes of it. If your age and/or IQ is somewhere in the teens, you might enjoy it.

My rating would be lower but there was one funny joke.

Rating: 1 star

Superbad

Two co-dependent high school seniors are forced to deal with separation anxiety after their plan to stage a booze-soaked party goes awry.

Director: Greg Mottola
Cast: Michael Cera Evan
Jonah Hill Seth
Christopher Mintz-Plasse Fogell
Bill Hader Officer Slater

IMDb rating: 7.6 (450,058 votes)


EppsNet at the Movies: Baby Driver

16 Jul 2017 /

The dialogue is awful and the characters are trite — the criminal mastermind in his secret lair, the beautiful but deadly femme fatale, the trigger-happy psychopath, etc. — but once they stop talking and the action kicks in, it’s terrific!

Also: great soundtrack!

Rating: 4-stars

Baby Driver

After being coerced into working for a crime boss, a young getaway driver finds himself taking part in a heist doomed to fail.

Director: Edgar Wright
Cast: Ansel Elgort Baby
Jon Bernthal Griff
Jon Hamm Buddy
Eiza González Darling

IMDb rating: 8.0 (136,586 votes)


One Thing I Can’t Tolerate is Intolerance: Yelp at Yale Edition

4 Jul 2017 /

According to the New York Times, June Chu, dean of Pierson College at Yale, lost her job after calling people “white trash” in Yelp reviews.

Here are some of (former) Dean Chu’s hot Yelp takes:

Regarding a Japanese restaurant: “If you are white trash, this is the perfect night out for you. . . . Side note: employees are Chinese, not Japanese.”

On a local movie theater: “So what they have is barely educated morons trying to manage snack orders for the obese and also try to add $7 plus $7.”

A mochi establishment: “Remember: I am Asian. I know mochi. . . . To be honest, you’d be better off getting mochi ice cream at Trader Joe’s! I guess if you were a white person who has no clue what mochi is, this would be fine for you.”

Remember: I am white. I know racism. This is not racism unless you are a lightweight, amateur racist. I’ve seen better racism at Trader Joe’s.

Really, those are perfectly fine Yelp reviews. Granted that some people are more easily offended than others, I would say that anyone offended by Chu’s posts should stay off Yelp, stay off the internet in general, and probably just stay in bed every morning and not leave their house.

P.S. I like Trader Joe’s mochi.

Anyway, Stephen Davis, head of Pierson College, which is evidently better than being the dean, said in announcing Chu’s departure:

“Let me be clear. No one, especially those in trusted positions of educating young people, should denigrate or stereotype others, and that extends to any form of discrimination based on class, race, religion, age, disability, gender identity, or sexual orientation.”

I’m not sure how the movie theater review violates those guidelines, unless an inability to add $7 plus $7 qualifies as a disability.

Davis went on to say:

“Yale unequivocally values respect for all. . . . what holds us together is our collective effort to ensure that every single person in our midst is valued beyond measure.”

As long as they think the right way, act the right way and speak the right way, and don’t write snarky Yelp reviews that reflect the way people actually talk in real life.


Regal Cinema is Alienating Me

28 May 2017 /
Regal Cinemas

Went to the movies yesterday and found that Regal Cinema has joined the ranks of Chevron and Walgreens as companies willing to hit up customers for a charitable donation as part of their regular purchase.

You’re part of an industry that burns up a billion dollars making pirate movies and Baywatch and special effects science fiction bullshit. Donate that money to whatever cause you’re passing the hat for, instead of hustling the customers for a donation over and above the price of a ticket and a 6-dollar soda and a 10-dollar sack of popcorn, and then tooting your own horn over your generosity and community involvement.


EppsNet at the Movies: The Accountant

17 Oct 2016 /

The Accountant

The Ben Affleck character is at the high-functioning end of the autism spectrum, which means, among other things, that he has no social skills.

I also have no social skills. It’s exhausting just to be polite to people most of the time, let alone trying to be fun and interesting.

I’d like to be diagnosed with something that gives me a medical excuse for not having to do that.

The Ben Affleck character also has some cool and useful skills that he learned from his dad, whereas my dad never taught me anything except how to hold a grudge (not always useful).

Rating: 4-stars

The Accountant

As a math savant uncooks the books for a new client, the Treasury Department closes in on his activities, and the body count starts to rise.

Director: Gavin O’Connor
Cast: Ben Affleck Christian Wolff
Anna Kendrick Dana Cummings
J.K. Simmons Ray King
Jon Bernthal Brax

IMDb rating: 7.4 (185,786 votes)


A Naked Person Wearing Glasses

17 Jul 2016 /
Shower

I get out of the shower and, reversing my normal procedure, put on my glasses before getting dressed . . .

“Is it funny to see a naked person wearing glasses?” I ask my wife.

“No, I see that all the time.”

“You do? Where?”

“Uh . . . in a movie.”


Hillary Clinton and the New Ghostbusters

16 Jul 2016 /

The Democratic party and the makers of the new Ghostbusters movie apparently share the idea that you can foist a transparently awful product on the American public as long as you have females in the lead role(s).

Have you watched a Hillary Clinton speech? I yawn and cringe in equal measure.

Here is a video from a campaign stop in North Carolina where she reads the word “sigh” — intended as a cue that she should actually sigh at that point in the speech — from a teleprompter. I cringed twice, once when she read it and once when I reflected on the phoniness of a candidate needing to be scripted to that degree.


Who Says Creativity is Dead in Tinseltown?

30 Apr 2016 /
The Angry Birds Movie

Keep reaching for the stars, thespians.


13 Hours Snubbed at Oscars

1 Mar 2016 /
13 Hours

Michael Bays Benghazi movie was snubbed at the Academy Awards by the Hillary liberals. Maybe if instead of being a nationwide block buster it had been a Youtube video, democrats would of actually pretended like it deserved some credit for somthing.

PFT Commenter [sic all grammar and spelling]

Free Advice on Free Advice

5 Feb 2016 /
Shoulder pain

Today a colleague offered to fix the pain in my shoulder. “Sounds like a problem with the connective tissue,” he said. “I can push it back into place.”

“No,” I said. “No no no no no no no.”

“Why not? Are you homophobic?”

“Not wanting you to touch my shoulder is not homophobic.” Also this guy is not gay.

“You don’t trust me?”

“I was trying to think of a nice way to say that.”

“I have a gift for this. I’ve helped a lot of people.”

“You might be able to fix it. Probably you could. On the other hand, you might, just perhaps, push on it the wrong way and I lose the use of my left arm. Not worth the risk.”

He then recommended that I go to a health food store and buy some red something-or-other algae to use as an anti-inflammatory.

Which I’m not going to do . . . If someone recommends a movie I should see, I might check that out. Even if it turns out to be terrible, which it usually does, I’ve only lost a few bucks and a couple hours of time. Same with a restaurant. Or a book.

But on medical matters, when someone says “You should go to a health food store and buy some of this product and eat it,” I’m not going to do that because if I do that, and I die . . . because the recommender didn’t know anything about my health condition, medical history, medications I might be taking, didn’t know anything about chemistry, biology, pharmacology . . . I’m dead and the person who told me to do that is scratching his head going, “Hmmmm, that never happened before. Maybe I should have gone to medical school to actually learn something.”


Why Don’t Asians Care About the Oscars?

19 Jan 2016 /
Academy Award

From the Washington Post:

Very white Oscar nominations leave Academy president ‘heartbroken and frustrated’

From the Los Angeles Times:

Oscars 2016: It’s time for Hollywood to stop defining great drama as white men battling adversity

From the Wall Street Journal:

Black Actors and Directors Shut Out of 2016 Oscar Race

Why don’t Asians seem to care about the Oscar whiteness crisis that continues to rage unabated? Maybe they’re too busy with jobs and school . . .


Fight On Vader!

17 Dec 2015 /

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What Would Jesus Think of the Starbucks Boycott?

10 Nov 2015 /

Outraged Christians boycott Starbucks over ‘politically correct’ Christmas red cup designMirror Online

There’s a line in an old Woody Allen movie: If Jesus came back and saw what’s going on in his name, he’d never stop throwing up.


More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of

8 Nov 2015 /
At the movies
  • People who advise you to “embrace failure.” Probably good advice, but if I’ve heard it once, I’ve heard it ten thousand times. We get it: Embrace Failure. Let’s move on already. Extra demerits: You have opinions on other completely played-out topics like management vs. leadership and how to optimize your LinkedIn profile.
  • People who say “Can I put you on hold for a moment?” and then immediately put me on hold without giving me a chance to sigh ostentatiously and say “If you must.”
  • Full-grown adults who tell you how sexually attracted they are to an actor or actress in a movie. Extra demerits: You invent your own fawning vocabulary with words like “droolworthy.” Your ability to be sexually aroused by a fantasy on a movie screen doesn’t enhance my opinion of you at all. Try maintaining a relationship in real life with someone who’s no more attractive than you are, lover boy (or girl).

Why Jennifer Lawrence Makes Less Than Bradley Cooper

14 Oct 2015 /
Bradley Cooper, Jennifer Lawrence

Jennifer Lawrence is complaining (Why Do I Make Less Than My Male Co-Stars?) that she and American Hustle co-star Amy Adams received 7 percent of the profits for the film, while male actors Bradley Cooper and Christian Bale and director David Russell received 9 percent.

The only explanation I can think of for this inequity is that Jennifer Lawrence and Amy Adams were willing to work for 7 percent. It doesn’t make sense to sign a deal for 7 percent and then complain that you didn’t get 9 percent. If you want 9, ask for 9. If it’s going to bother you to make less than a male co-star, ask for the same deal as the male co-star.

Does Jennifer Lawrence have an agent? This doesn’t seem super complicated . . .


Ninja Death Touch

30 Sep 2015 /
Advertisement for Dim Mak

Does anyone know if there’s a Ninja Death Touch Calculator available for Android? Asking for a friend . . .

In the Dim Mak method, the Needle Finger can be calibrated to cause a delay of up to one year in the actual moment of death, depending on the force and direction of its application. But the timing is critical.

Even a perfect blow to the correct meridian at the wrong time — might as well stay home and watch a Jackie Chan movie.


More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of: People Married to Their Best Friend

20 Sep 2015 /
Rhett and Scarlett

It’s not very romantic, first of all. Did Romeo and Juliet marry their best friend? Did Liz and Dick marry their best friend? Did Scott and Zelda marry their best friend? Did Rhett and Scarlett marry their best friend?

A married person has to fill so many roles already: husband/wife, parent, sex partner, wage earner, handyman, cook, mental health professional, grammar coach, etc., etc., etc. A little help on the best friend front would be a welcome breath of fresh air.

I don’t know who my wife’s best friend is and I don’t care, as long as it’s not me. Men: if you need a best friend, buy a dog.


There’s a lotta things about me you don’t know anything about, Dottie. Things you wouldn’t understand. Things you couldn’t understand. Things you shouldn’t understand.

Posted by on 14 Sep 2015

Who Says Creativity is Dead in Tinseltown?

19 Jul 2015 /

“Summer 2015 will see at least 18 sequels, prequels, reboots, spinoffs and adaptations of TV shows and video games . . .”

The rest of the Summer 2015 movies will be sequels, prequels, reboots, spinoffs and adaptations of other movies and comic books.

Movie countdown


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