EppsNet Archive: Sex

Book Banning and Other Shenanigans

 

I heard just the last piece of a news item on TV last night about someone or other wanting to ban To Kill a Mockingbird from a school library — I didn’t even catch if it was left-wing nuts or right-wing nuts, but book banners always remind me of Kurt Vonnegut’s response to these sorts of dimwits: “Have somebody read the First Amendment to the United States Constitution out loud to you, you God damned fool!” Granted, To Kill a Mockingbird is not a very good book, vastly overrated, but there’s no case that I can think of for banning it from a school library. You might think I’ve painted myself into a corner here with a First Amendment argument given that another currently hot topic is schoolbooks on sexual topics. But no, I think reasonable people can agree that some types of subject matter are not appropriate for school… Read more →

PETA Advocates Sex Strike

 

Don't women also enjoy sex? I suppose some women like animals more than sex but those are not the women you're going to have a good time with anyway. https://t.co/dIPHFmivBs — Paul Epps (@paulepps) September 28, 2022 I mean, if a woman doesn’t want to put meat in her body . . . well, you see where I’m going with this . . . Also, I would expect the number of meat-eating women to be roughly equal to the number of meat-eating men. How are meat-eating women going to be punished? Read more →

See You in Hell, Ime Udoka

 

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] Greetings mortals — I remember a few months ago many of you talking about Ime Udoka coaching in the NBA finals AND getting to go home to someone named Nia Long, whom many of you seem to find attractive. I’ll share a little secret with you: No matter how hot you think someone is, there’s someone somewhere who’s bored with her. And she’s bored with him too but at least she didn’t humiliate him in front of the entire world. See you in Hell . . . Read more →

Even the Price of Getting Up is Going Up

 

A friend and former colleague is telling me about a recent trip to a massage parlor . . . “She offered to take her clothes off and give me a hand job for $140. A hundred and 40 dollars?!. “I said, ‘I can get a hand job for $60, if you’re gonna disrobe, I can add another $20, maybe $40.’ “‘Come on,’ she says. ‘Help me out.’ I told her to just massage my feet. “Is this inflation or what? I can’t get a naked woman to jerk me off for less than $140?! I’ve had full service for $120. Man, fuck Joe Biden.” Read more →

More Words and Phrases I’m Sick Unto Death Of: Assigned at Birth

 

As in, “He was assigned male at birth.” It sounds like other options were available, doesn’t it? Like a child being assigned a name or a house at Hogwarts. Is there any plausible scenario where the child would be assigned anything other than male at birth? Suppose the doctor said, “I assign this child as female.” And then the parents freak out and say “Are you fucking nuts?! He’s not female, he’s got a cock.” “Hmmm,” says the doctor. “Well . . . you’ve got me there.” If it wasn’t so easy to determine the sex of a newborn at a glance — it doesn’t require a medical degree — you could go with a DNA test, since every cell in the human body is marked male or female. That never changes, no matter how many hormones you take or how many surgeries you have. It’s biological and permanent. In… Read more →

Whatever Happened to Tomboys?

 

“Tomboy,” when I was a kid, was a word that you heard all the time to refer to girls who preferred wearing jeans and climbing trees to more traditional girlish attire and activities. Probably most of them grew up to be heterosexual women, some of them grew up to be lesbians . . . I wish them all the best. (Of course there were also boys who didn’t like sports and other boyish activities although I don’t remember a polite term that we used for them.) Whatever happened to tomboys? I can’t remember hearing the word for quite a long time now. Today these girls would be put on the “trans kid” fast track, which to me is regrettable and senseless. Read more →

See You in Hell: Marla Maples Edition

 

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] Greetings mortals — I saw recently that Marla Maples, of all people, was trending on Twitter. It turns out the reason for that is that Donald Trump’s first wife, Ivana, died, Trump said some kind words about her, and then a bunch of people with nothing better to do jumped on Twitter to remind everyone that Trump was romancing Maples while still married to Ivana. It takes a lot to shock me but a person being unfaithful to their spouse?! You could have knocked me over with a feather! I assure you that every one of these people posting about Marla Maples either a) has been unfaithful themselves, but since they’re a bunch of nobodies, it’s not headline news; or b) can’t get laid. See you in Hell . . . Read more →

After School Drag Shows, What’s Next?

 

I have to chuckle when I see this picture, not just because the guy facing the camera is grotesque, but because my own son grew up in the Irvine school district, which is a very academically oriented district, especially in north Irvine (where we lived) and south Irvine, both predominantly Asian neighborhoods, and if an Irvine kid texted home a photo like this, there’d be a lynch mob in the district office by 3 p.m. the same day. The question on everyone’s lips would be “How is a drag show in a school gymnasium going to help my child get into a top university? Where does this go on the college application?” We all have our little peccadillos, sexual and otherwise. How exhibiting certain of these (though not others), e.g., cross-dressing, not only in public but in schools became a thing that people do is a mystery to me. Speaking… Read more →

And That’s the Truth: Don’t Say Gay

 

[And That’s the Truth is a feature by our guest blogger, Sojourner Truth– PE] Happy Pride Month, which reminds me I wanted to say something about that “Don’t Say Gay” bill in Florida. I never called it the “Don’t Say Gay” bill. Sometimes I called it the “Don’t Say You Ain’t Groomers and Pedophiles When You Obviously Is” bill. Or the “Don’t Fuck Around With My Chillen Behind My Back” bill. Well, my chillen is all growed up now, so I should call it the “Don’t Fuck Around With People’s Chillen Behind They Back” bill. Fuck around and find out, fuckers. Yo sex practices ain’t no interest to me and they sho ain’t no interest to a small child. And that’s the Truth! Read more →

TMI?

 

When did it become a good idea to reveal a candidate's sex practices in a job announcement? "She's black AND she eats pussy!" https://t.co/TNh0luo5fm — Paul Epps (@paulepps) May 6, 2022 Read more →

Joy Behar’s Sex Strike

 

I think I speak for a lot of men when I say that just imagining sex with Joy Behar makes my dick limp. https://t.co/9OMlgRvBlE — Paul Epps (@paulepps) May 6, 2022 Read more →

Annie Died the Other Day

 

annie died the other day never was there such a lay— whom, among her dollies, dad first (“don’t tell your mother”) had; making annie slightly mad but very wonderful in bed —saints and satyrs go your way youths and maidens: let us pray — e e cummings Read more →

A Solution for Abortion Access

 

From the Los Angeles Times: California law states that people have a “fundamental right” to choose and obtain an abortion before a fetus becomes viable. The governor has vowed to protect that right. But just because abortion has more legal protection in California does not mean it is readily accessible to all, advocates of reproductive choice say. Many Californians struggle to afford the procedure, and some live far from a clinic that provides it. Such practical barriers can make abortion too difficult to access for Californians, despite the legal assurances on the books, advocates say. What a calamity! There are no legal roadblocks to abortion in California, and yet a mother-to-be who doesn’t want to be a mother may still find the procedure inaccessible or unaffordable. What about condoms? Are condoms inaccessible or unaffordable? Always worked for me . . . Read more →

See You in Hell, Educators

 

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] Greetings mortals! Even though an alarmingly high percentage of Americans think the sun orbits the earth, can’t find the Pacific Ocean on a map, half the residents of Detroit can’t read, rather than teach basic literacy, science or geography, K-12 public school teachers in the U.S. will be teaching “expanding” gender identities and “evolving” sexual orientations. This instruction will be informed by the National Sex Ed Standards: Core Content and Skills, K-12 (Second Edition) I included a link to it because you will not believe me when I tell you what’s in it. For example: BY THE END OF THE 5TH GRADE, STUDENTS SHOULD BE ABLE TO: Distinguish between sex assigned at birth and gender identity and explain how they may or may not differ. Define and explain differences between cisgender, transgender, gender nonbinary, gender expansive,… Read more →

Following the Science on D*ck Pics

 

Recently, mounting anecdotal reports – mostly by heterosexual women on Internet-based dating platforms – have drawn attention to the frequency of men sending unsolicited photos of their own genitals (i.e., “dick pics”). In a U.S. sample of 2,045 women of all sexual identities and 298 gay/bisexual men, among those who had ever received a “dick pic,” nearly all (91%) had also received an unsolicited “dick pic.” Women had a predominantly negative reaction to unsolicited dick pics — about 70 percent negative — but the math on that tells us that for every three dick pics you send out, you’re likely to get at least one positive reaction. I’m not making any recommendations on what you should or should not do, but that’s science, folks, and everybody knows by know that you’ve got to follow the science. A couple of other findings from the study: older women responded more positively to… Read more →

And That’s the Truth: Anti-Asian Racism

 

[And That’s the Truth is a feature by our guest blogger, Sojourner Truth — PE] The media dont give a goddamn about Asians unless they can fit em into a narrative that they like and thanks to some idiot in Atlanta shooting up massage parlors, Asians can be fit now into two narratives. The guy in Atlanta said massage parlors gave him a sex addiction so he had to shoot eight people. Six of em were Asian women. I dont know if’n youve noticed this but theres a lot of Asian women in massage parlors. But the narrative is white supremacy and he hates Asians. So why did he shoot the other two people? Does he hate Asians but he caint tell is someone Asian or not? And the other narrative is wealth disparity. See, you got them crazy rich Asians and then you got the Asians who aint rich… Read more →

International Transgender Day of Visibility

 

Did you know that March 31 is International Transgender Day of Visibility:? I didn’t know it either until today when someone posted an announcement on a corporate message board. It’s not even that new. It started in 2009. As Joe Biden would say, here’s the thing: 1) Everybody plays by the same rules. 2) Do whatever you want but don’t feel like you have to bash everyone over the fucking head with it. Is it within the rules for a woman to post on a corporate message board that she had vigorous intercourse with a man last night? And if someone takes exception she replies that she wants to recognize the accomplishments of heterosexual men and women, to celebrate the successes of the community and to educate those who may discriminate against cis-normative individuals? I feel like that would not be well-received, that maybe I’m inventing this but that we… Read more →

Down in the Pleasure Center

 

What percentage of Americans get more pleasure from calling people racists than from having an orgasm? I’ll estimate 35 but I feel like that may be low . . . Read more →

Four Existential Questions

 

Can I eat it? Can I have sex with it? Can it kill me? Can I buy it at a discount? Read more →

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