EppsNet Archive: Sex

More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of: Hobby Lobby Boycotters

16 Jul 2014 /
Hobby Lobby

“Don’t tell me what to do” and “Do what I say” – these are not compatible admonitions.James M. Buchanan

I just saw this Boycott Hobby Lobby group on Facebook . . .

There’s a longstanding liberal maxim — Keep Government Out of the Bedroom — i.e., “Don’t tell me what to do,” which has gone out the window on the Hobby Lobby case, where the liberal position is “Do what I say,” i.e., that a law requiring everyone to buy certain bedroom supplies whether they want to or not is not only a really great thing, it’s a moral imperative.

Individual liberty is a two-way street, folks . . .


Just Wondering

23 Apr 2014 /

Thank you for choosing Cox . . .

Do you suppose these customer service gals ever get horny from saying “Cox” all day?


We’re Supporting Tolerance and Inclusion by Telling People to Shut the Hell Up

19 Dec 2013 /

“Duck Dynasty” star Phil Robertson has been put on an indefinite hiatus from filming the smash hit A&E reality series following inflammatory remarks about gay people he made in an interview with GQ magazine. . . .

In the interview, which appears in the January issue of GQ, Robertson, founder of the Duck Commander family business of duck calls, referred to gay people as “homosexual offenders” who would not “inherit the Kingdom of God.” He also said a woman’s vagina was “more desirable” than a man’s anus.

Phil Robertson

LET’S ENCOURAGE TOLERANCE AND DIVERSITY BY MAKING THIS GUY SHUT THE HELL UP!

Here’s Robertson’s full quote on “homosexual offenders”:

“Don’t be deceived. Neither the adulterers, the idolaters, the male prostitutes, the homosexual offenders, the greedy, the drunkards, the slanderers, the swindlers — they won’t inherit the kingdom of God. … Don’t deceive yourself. It’s not right.”

That’s a pretty accurate paraphrase of I Corinthians 6:9-10, which says

Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the Kingdom of God? Be not deceived: Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor the effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind, nor thieves, nor the covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners shall inherit the Kingdom of God.

A lot of people believe that’s the word of God. I don’t, but a lot of people do. In any case, it’s hardly extreme or “inflammatory.” It’s a bible verse. Why is it inflammatory to quote a bible verse as the word of God, but it’s totally cool to characterize Christian scripture as “vile”?

Also: you can’t be on TV if you find a woman’s vagina more desirable than a man’s anus?! A vagina is more desirable than an anus. That’s what keeps us going as a species.

A woman’s anus is more desirable than a man’s anus, but it’s not as desirable as a vagina. A man’s anus is a distant third in the desirability sweepstakes, and it’s even lower if you include mouths, sofa cushions, food products, etc.

This guy Robertson is on a “reality” show. That’s funny. There’s reality and then there’s “reality.”

He talks to a magazine and it turns out that in reality, he’s not as nuanced in his thinking as the people at GLAAD — whose job, by the way, is to be perpetually offended — would like him to be, and because of that, he can’t be on TV anymore.

I guess there’s such a thing as too much reality.


Bettie Page Reveals All

9 Dec 2013 /

Bettie Page Reveals All

Bettie Page Reveals All

The world's greatest pinup model and cult icon, Bettie Page, recounts the true story of how her free expression overcame government witch-hunts to help launch America's sexual revolution.

Director: Mark Mori
Cast: Bettie Page Herself, Dita Von Teese Herself, Hugh M. Hefner Himself, Rebecca Romijn Herself

IMDb rating: 7.1 (653 votes)

/

The Kind of Outside-the-Box Thinking That Pays Dividends in Hollywood

24 Aug 2013 /
http://www.latimes.com/la-et-ct-richard-nanula-dto,0,1783321.htmlstory

Here’s the kind of outside-the-box thinking that propels executives to the top of Hollywood: Paying a woman for sex is illegal. Paying a woman to act in a sex scene on camera is not.

Not to say there won’t be consequences, but at least you won’t have a prostitution beef on your record.

Roll ‘em . . . aaaaand ACTION!


We Know What You Like: Cox

8 Jun 2013 /
Cox Communications' "Digeez" mascot

A commercial for Cox Communications comes on the TV, the gist of which is that no one knows what the young woman in the ad likes. A sushi chef, for example, serves her an oddball concoction that she doesn’t like, and I forget the rest, but you get the idea.

“But here at Cox,” the ad goes on to say, “we know what you like.”

I say, “She likes Cox.”

My kid gives me a look.

“C-O-X. Cox. Come on, man.”


Online Porn May Make You Forget

7 Feb 2013 /

Pornographic Picture Processing Interferes with Working Memory Performance

Journal of Sex Research, 2012 Nov 20

Researchers at the University of Duisburg-Essen found that looking at internet porn has a negative effect on working memory.

Wait a second . . . did I already post this link?


Merry Christmas

12 Dec 2012 /

Tags: ,

Modern Baptists

23 Nov 2012 /

Mr. Pickens knew that once he got his preaching diploma, he would open a church for modern Baptists, Baptists who were sick to death of hell and sin being stuffed down their gullets every Sunday. There wasn’t going to be any of that old-fashioned ranting and raving in Mr. Pickens’s church. His Baptist church would be guided by reason and logic. Everyone could drink in moderation. Everyone could dance and pet as long as they were fifteen—well, maybe sixteen or seventeen. At thirty, if you still weren’t married, you could sleep with someone, and it wouldn’t be a sin—that is, as long as you loved that person. If you hit forty and were still single, you’d be eligible for adultery not being a sin, as long as no children’s feelings got hurt and it was kept very discreet. But you still had to love and respect the person; you couldn’t just do it for sex.


News Judgment

10 Apr 2012 /

Dog bites manDog bites man — not news.

Gravy-wrestling model hit in the face with monkey wrench after finding friend having sex on her sofa — now THAT’S news!

Tags: , , ,

See You in Hell

2 Mar 2012 /
Romeo and Juliet

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE]

Modesto police are investigating if there’s a criminal case against a former high school teacher who resigned his job to move into an apartment with an 18-year-old girl he met while teaching.

James Hooker, 41, was placed on administrative leave Feb. 3 by Modesto City Schools and resigned less than three weeks later, according to a report at the Modesto Bee.

The newspaper reports that the man, who had taught business and computer classes, left his wife and children, to move in with Jordan Powers, an Enochs High School senior whom he met when she was a freshman at the school. One of Hooker’s children also attends the same high school.

“In making our choice, we’ve hurt a lot of people,” Hooker told the Bee. “We keep asking ourselves, ‘Do we make everyone else happy or do we follow our hearts?'”

Follow your heart, you magnificent selfish bastard!

Follow it right out the front door of the family home and into a Modesto apartment with a high school girl whose poor single mom, from the looks of the photo, couldn’t afford to buy her a set of braces.

DON’T LOOK BACK!

And make yourselves available for interviews and photo ops. YES! YES! YES!

(Let me add parenthetically that, despite what you may have heard, being raised by a single parent does not screw kids up in the head and more people should be doing it.)

One of your own kids goes to the same high school as your new live-in girlfriend?! Oh, the collateral damage is going to be prodigious!

Wait — I’m now being informed that the two of you appeared on Good Morning America this morning?!

Brilliant move, Romeo! A sane person would have said, “No, I think I’ve done enough damage already,” let things play out as just a local scandal in the backwater of Modesto, and missed out on the opportunity to traumatize everyone involved at a national level.

If this doesn’t result in at least one suicide, then my name is not Satan.

See you in Hell, professor.


Keeping Up With the Kennedys

27 Feb 2012 /
Mary Jo Kopechne

Mary Jo Kopechne

Why doesn’t this guy have a reality show:

The son of Robert F. Kennedy has been charged with harassment and endangering the welfare of a child for allegedly clashing with two nurses who tried to stop him from taking his 2-day-old baby boy from a Westchester maternity unit, NBC New York has learned.

According to a Mount Kisco, N.Y. police report obtained by NBC New York, Douglas Kennedy, 44, took his baby from the newborn unit of Northern Westchester Hospital on Jan. 7, against the instructions of hospital staff who told him the infant needed to stay there. He faces misdemeanor charges. . . .

While holding the child in his right arm, Kennedy kicked [a nurse] in the pelvis with his right foot, knocking her backward onto the floor, police said.

As he did this, Kennedy fell onto the floor with the baby in his arms. Kennedy then got up and ran “down the stairs with the infant until he was stopped by security and escorted back to the infant’s room,” the police report said.

This comes on the heels of a new book by a JFK White House intern “revealing” that Douglas Kennedy’s Uncle Jack used to pimp the interns to service presidential aides as well as his own family members.

At least the author lived to tell the tale of her sordid encounter with the Kennedys. Not everyone was that lucky.

You might also remember Douglas’s brother David, who died of a drug overdose in 1984, or his brother Michael, another in the family’s long line of alcoholics, who died by skiing into a tree, but not before distinguishing himself with a statutory rape allegation involving the family’s 14-year-old babysitter.

I could go on with this but you get the point: thugs, pimps, alcoholics, drug addicts, rapists . . . maybe calling Teddy a murderer is a little strong, but he did kill that girl. It’s hard to imagine a more appalling bunch of degenerates.

The Kennedys make the Kardashians look like America’s royal family.


Elf Girls

5 Dec 2011 /
Elf Girl

I wonder what elf girls taste like? Peppermint? Gingerbread?


Who Pays for Dinner?

30 Sep 2011 /
Heart-shaped Bread

I’m listening to a couple of women talking about their new beaus and who should pay for the dinner dates in a budding relationship.

Man pays? Take turns? 50/50?

For what it’s worth, ladies, back when I was dating, I paid for the food, but depending on how the rest of the evening played out, I might have to say, “In that case, pay me back for the sandwiches.”


How to Make a Living as a Porn Actor

23 Aug 2011 /

Marc Randazza, First Amendment lawyer who represents porn companies, said about porn: “Honestly, the gay side’s where all the money is. There might be 30 straight guys who can make a living at it, but if you’re willing to get f*cked in the ass, I can get you five grand right now.”


Thomas Jefferson on Weinergate

7 Jun 2011 /
Thomas Jefferson

Rep. Weiner of New York — one of the 13 original colonies — has been sending photos of his penis to women in Texas, Washington and other points west.

When I was president, Texas and Washington weren’t even part of the country, and if I wanted to show a woman my dick, she had to be right there in the room with me.1

And still there are some misfits who insist that there is no such thing as progress.

  1. Yes, I could have made a sketch and sent it through the mail but that could take weeks.

Advice for the College Bound

28 Apr 2011 /
College boy

HER: My son is going to be going off to college soon. It’s a big step for him. I hope he’s ready to make good decisions.

HIM: When my daughter left for college, I gave her these simple words of advice: “Don’t get photographed sucking a dick.”

HER: That sounds like excellent advice for your daughter, but it wouldn’t be of any help to my son.

HIM: That’s not what I’ve heard.


The Most Promiscuous Women

15 Dec 2010 /

The most promiscuous women are those who have been punched, believe homosexuality is not wrong, and spend time in bars. The least promiscuous women are those who are patriotic and spend time in church.


Twitter: 2010-11-04

4 Nov 2010 /
Twitter

Bad Dad’s College Advice

19 Oct 2010 /

HIM: You look sad this morning. What’s the matter?

HER: Oh, my son left for college yesterday, and I just really miss him.

HIM: Let me share something with you. When my daughter went off to school, I gave her one very important piece of advice.

HER: Really? What was that?

HIM: Don’t get photographed sucking a dick.

HER: Hmmm. That sounds like great advice for your daughter, but it wouldn’t have any value for my son.

HIM: That’s not what I’ve heard.


Next Page »