Author Archive: Satan

See You in Hell

18 Apr 2018 /

Satan

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE]

A woman was sucked out the window of a Southwest Airlines plane . . . not a black woman, fortunately, so Southwest won’t have to shut down for racial bias training.

In other news, David Hogg is telling his Twitter followers to boycott the BlackRock and Vanguard investment firms.

“David Hogg’s Twitter followers” . . . I’m rolling that phrase around on my tongue. “David Hogg’s Twitter followers.” Might be a good name for an improv group.

When I think of all the great men — Nietzsche, Van Gogh . . . you can think of your own favorite examples — who lived as anonymous failures and died as broken-down loonies, the thought of people actively tracking the musings of David Hogg amuses me greatly.

See you in Hell!


See You in Hell . . . if There Is a Hell

30 Mar 2018 /

Satan

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE]

John Lennon lyrics are now Catholic doctrine!

See you in Hell!


See You in Hell: Rifles Have an Undeservedly Bad Reputation

28 Feb 2018 /

Satan

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE]

Greetings from the Lake of Fire!

I was perusing the FBI data on murder weapons in the U.S. For 2016, what do you think was the most frequently employed murder weapon?

Survey SAYS — handguns! The weapon of choice in 7,105 murders. I blame the NRA!

Ha ha, just messing with you there. The NRA has nothing to do with the existence of evil in the world. That’s my department.

That handgun number is actually a little low, because the FBI also reports more than 3,000 gun murders where the type of firearm is not specified — and it’s almost always a handgun.

Running a distant second behind guns: knives, used to end the life of 1,604 Americans in 2016.

Now here’s a surprising one: 656 people killed by “personal weapons,” which essentially means beating someone to death with your bare hands. Kicking is also allowed in this category, as is pushing someone to their death — off a cliff, in front of a bus, etc.

More people were killed by personal weapons (656) than by blunt objects (472), i.e., beating someone to death with a hammer or a bat. Why are more people not using a weapon? I guess they like a challenge.

Now let’s talk about rifles. Rifles have an undeservedly bad reputation in my opinion. Rifles can be used for sporting purposes and for self-defense, but they can also be used as a murder weapon.

In 2016, 374 Americans were murdered with a rifle.

Everyone wants to ban rifles! No one wants to ban knives, hammers or fists, which can also be used as murder weapons, but everyone wants to ban rifles. People are crazy.

P.S. Some approaches to murder are far more common in popular entertainments than in real life. Poisoning is common in murder mysteries but only 11 Americans were killed with poison in 2016. Only 1 person was killed with explosives, even though I can’t remember the last movie I saw that didn’t have at least one explosion.

Finally, let me say a word about inclusiveness. We don’t care who you are or how you get here. There are no special privileges in Hell.

You may have been an underrepresented minority on Earth. You may be one of the misfits who manages to get themselves poisoned. Rest assured that we treat everyone the same: abominably.

See you in Hell!


See You in Hell

7 Feb 2018 /

Satan

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE]

Heaven has gates, a wall and extreme vetting.

Racist!

See you in Hell . . .

Tags: , ,

See You in Hell

22 Jan 2018 /

Satan

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE]

Pope Francis and Donald Trump were both vexed this past week by natives of shithole countries.

The pope showed up in Chile to accuse local sex abuse victims of calumny against the church.

“Calumny” means he’s calling them liars. Look it up.

Oh that reminds me! Cardinal Law sends his regards.

Then he was on to Peru, where he called violence against women a “plague” across the Latin American region. They’re murderers, rapists . . . and some, I assume, are good people.

What a character! I can’t wait to see what he comes up with next.

See you in Hell!


See You in Hell: Cardinal Law

20 Dec 2017 /

Satan

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE]

Arrivederci Roma!

This is a tough one . . . hypocrites go in the Eighth Circle with frauds, but rapists go into the Seventh Circle for the violent.

Anyway, Cardinal Law says hi.

How appropriate that he was able to die before the end of 2017, when the Dictionary.com Word of the Year was “complicit.”

See you in Hell!


See You in Hell, Ed Lee

12 Dec 2017 /

Satan

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE]

Ed Lee was the mayor of San Francisco, a sanctuary city.

My plan was to have Ed shot to death by an illegal alien but he outsmarted me by dying of a heart attack before I could put all the pieces together.

See you in Hell . . .


See You in Hell

23 Nov 2017 /

Satan

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE]

Happy Thanksgiving to all!

Charlie Manson says hi.

See you in Hell . . .


See You in Hell

30 Oct 2017 /

Satan

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE]

I’m old enough to remember when professional athletes took pride in their trash-talking abilities. Now they sound like a bunch of 5-year-olds: he made a face at me, he called me a name, boo hoo hoo!

One day when you’re rotting with leprosy and stewing in a million kettles of snot, cockroaches and gangrene — I stir them myself! — only then will you look back on this kindergarten-level bullshit and realize how good you had it!

See you in Hell . . .


See You in Hell: Tom Petty Update

2 Oct 2017 /

Satan

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE]

He was standing at the gates here but he wouldn’t back down. Go figure.

See you in Hell . . .


See You in Hell

2 Oct 2017 /

Satan

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE]

I thought what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas?

Hugh Hefner says hi.

See you in Hell . . .


See You in Hell

1 Oct 2017 /

Satan

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE]

https://www.facebook.com/topic/Edmonton-Alberta/115976748413086?source=whfrt&position=2

Driving a vehicle into a crowd of people is the new black.

Will the lane assist feature that comes with a lot of new vehicles help prevent this? It won’t? Oh well . . .

See you in Hell . . .

Tags: ,

See You in Hell

22 Aug 2017 /

Satan

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE]

I hate to say I told you so.

See you in Hell . . .

Robert Lee


See You in Hell: Robert E. Lee Edition

20 Aug 2017 /

Satan

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE]

Greetings from the underworld!

I saw this on Facebook today:

Traveler

First of all, the temperature on that screencap — 81 degrees? That’s the temperature in Los Angeles. The temperature here in Hell is much hotter.

Secondly, Americans are the fattest, dumbest people on the planet. Did you know that 25 percent of them think that the sun goes around the earth?

So most Americans don’t even know who Robert E. Lee was, let alone the name of his horse (it was Traveller, with two l’s).

Once it’s explained to them — who Robert E. Lee was, his horse’s name, what the Civil War was all about — they put it all together: the USC mascot is a racist horse!

Also coming under scrutiny: everyone named Robert or Lee or having the middle initial E.

See you in Hell . . .


See You in Hell

15 May 2016 /

Satan

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE]

Along with pleas for money, almost 100 percent of the cardboard signs I see being held by people on freeway off-ramps and the like include the phrase “God Bless You.”

There seems to be a correlation between belief in God and begging for money on off-ramps. Notice that you never see Satanists begging for money.

Why don’t they pray for the money? Maybe they did pray and God told them to make a cardboard sign?

I tell my acolytes if they need money, learn to code.

See you in Hell . . .


See You in Hell: San Bernardino Edition

6 Dec 2015 /

Satan

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE]

It’s hard to believe in a God who meddles in people’s lives . . .

"We are a city full of hopeful optimists, who are still here and who will stay here because we believe God has something…

Posted by Los Angeles Times on Friday, December 4, 2015

God has something great planned for San Bernardino! Unfortunately his plan included murdering 14 people, but with that being said, he’s got something great up his sleeve for everyone who’s still alive!

Oh the inhumanity! God works in mysterious ways and so do I.

See you in Hell . . .


See You in Hell

11 Oct 2015 /

Satan

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE]

I’m hearing a lot of Orange County residents complaining about the heat this weekend. Take it from someone who knows about heat: 98 degrees is not heat. You’ll see what I’m talking about soon enough. Enjoy the 98-degree temperatures while you can.

On a related note, why does everyone say “Jesus Christ, it’s hot” and no one says “Satan, it’s hot”?

See you in Hell . . .


See You in Hell

8 May 2015 /
Satan

Satan

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE]

Greetings from the underworld!

Friends have asked my opinion of the new Diablo hot sauce from Taco Bell . . .

  1. I love the name!
  2. You call that hot?!

See you in Hell . . .

Diablo


See You in Hell

26 Apr 2015 /
Satan

Satan

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE]

Greetings from the underworld!

I see that Pope Francis put a bee in Turkey’s bonnet a couple of weeks ago by calling the mass killing of Armenians in 1915 a genocide. According to the Turks, the Vatican should look to its own history before casting stones. Tu quoque!

On that note, the 2015 Pulitzer Prize for Biography was just awarded to David I. Kertzer for The Pope and Mussolini: The Secret History of Pius XI and the Rise of Fascism in Europe. Historically, popes have been far more circumspect in condemning genocide and other atrocities when committed by countries willing to aggrandize the Church (or when committed by the Church itself!)

See you in Hell, clerics of all stripes . . .

Clerics


See You in Hell

31 Jan 2015 /
Satan

Satan

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE]

Greetings from the underworld!

I just read about a father and son teaming up to punch out the son’s high school basketball coach because the teen wasn’t getting enough playing time.

Basketball duo

What a heartwarming story! A lot of young black men don’t have a male role model in their lives.

See you in Hell . . .


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