Author Archive: Satan

See You in Hell

30 Oct 2017 /

Satan

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE]

I’m old enough to remember when professional athletes took pride in their trash-talking abilities. Now they sound like a bunch of 5-year-olds: he made a face at me, he called me a name, boo hoo hoo!

One day when you’re rotting with leprosy and stewing in a million kettles of snot, cockroaches and gangrene — I stir them myself! — only then will you look back on this kindergarten-level bullshit and realize how good you had it!

See you in Hell . . .


See You in Hell: Tom Petty Update

2 Oct 2017 /

Satan

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE]

He was standing at the gates here but he wouldn’t back down. Go figure.

See you in Hell . . .


See You in Hell

2 Oct 2017 /

Satan

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE]

I thought what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas?

Hugh Hefner says hi.

See you in Hell . . .


See You in Hell

1 Oct 2017 /

Satan

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE]

https://www.facebook.com/topic/Edmonton-Alberta/115976748413086?source=whfrt&position=2

Driving a vehicle into a crowd of people is the new black.

Will the lane assist feature that comes with a lot of new vehicles help prevent this? It won’t? Oh well . . .

See you in Hell . . .

Tags: ,

See You in Hell

22 Aug 2017 /

Satan

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE]

I hate to say I told you so.

See you in Hell . . .

Robert Lee


See You in Hell: Robert E. Lee Edition

20 Aug 2017 /

Satan

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE]

Greetings from the underworld!

I saw this on Facebook today:

Traveler

First of all, the temperature on that screencap — 81 degrees? That’s the temperature in Los Angeles. The temperature here in Hell is much hotter.

Secondly, Americans are the fattest, dumbest people on the planet. Did you know that 25 percent of them think that the sun goes around the earth?

So most Americans don’t even know who Robert E. Lee was, let alone the name of his horse (it was Traveller, with two l’s).

Once it’s explained to them — who Robert E. Lee was, his horse’s name, what the Civil War was all about — they put it all together: the USC mascot is a racist horse!

Also coming under scrutiny: everyone named Robert or Lee or having the middle initial E.

See you in Hell . . .


See You in Hell

15 May 2016 /

Satan

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE]

Along with pleas for money, almost 100 percent of the cardboard signs I see being held by people on freeway off-ramps and the like include the phrase “God Bless You.”

There seems to be a correlation between belief in God and begging for money on off-ramps. Notice that you never see Satanists begging for money.

Why don’t they pray for the money? Maybe they did pray and God told them to make a cardboard sign?

I tell my acolytes if they need money, learn to code.

See you in Hell . . .


See You in Hell: San Bernardino Edition

6 Dec 2015 /

Satan

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE]

It’s hard to believe in a God who meddles in people’s lives . . .

"We are a city full of hopeful optimists, who are still here and who will stay here because we believe God has something…

Posted by Los Angeles Times on Friday, December 4, 2015

God has something great planned for San Bernardino! Unfortunately his plan included murdering 14 people, but with that being said, he’s got something great up his sleeve for everyone who’s still alive!

Oh the inhumanity! God works in mysterious ways and so do I.

See you in Hell . . .


See You in Hell

11 Oct 2015 /

Satan

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE]

I’m hearing a lot of Orange County residents complaining about the heat this weekend. Take it from someone who knows about heat: 98 degrees is not heat. You’ll see what I’m talking about soon enough. Enjoy the 98-degree temperatures while you can.

On a related note, why does everyone say “Jesus Christ, it’s hot” and no one says “Satan, it’s hot”?

See you in Hell . . .


See You in Hell

8 May 2015 /
Satan

Satan

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE]

Greetings from the underworld!

Friends have asked my opinion of the new Diablo hot sauce from Taco Bell . . .

  1. I love the name!
  2. You call that hot?!

See you in Hell . . .

Diablo


See You in Hell

26 Apr 2015 /
Satan

Satan

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE]

Greetings from the underworld!

I see that Pope Francis put a bee in Turkey’s bonnet a couple of weeks ago by calling the mass killing of Armenians in 1915 a genocide. According to the Turks, the Vatican should look to its own history before casting stones. Tu quoque!

On that note, the 2015 Pulitzer Prize for Biography was just awarded to David I. Kertzer for The Pope and Mussolini: The Secret History of Pius XI and the Rise of Fascism in Europe. Historically, popes have been far more circumspect in condemning genocide and other atrocities when committed by countries willing to aggrandize the Church (or when committed by the Church itself!)

See you in Hell, clerics of all stripes . . .

Clerics


See You in Hell

31 Jan 2015 /
Satan

Satan

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE]

Greetings from the underworld!

I just read about a father and son teaming up to punch out the son’s high school basketball coach because the teen wasn’t getting enough playing time.

Basketball duo

What a heartwarming story! A lot of young black men don’t have a male role model in their lives.

See you in Hell . . .


See You in Hell, Raisin Man

27 Jan 2015 /

Satan

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE]

Greetings from the underworld!

We had a special arrival today! I don’t know how many times I’ve heard people say, “There should be a special place in Hell for whoever decided to put raisins in trail mix.”

Everything in trail mix is crunchy, except the raisins. The raisins are like shock absorbers. You can’t crunch the crunchy stuff because your teeth get caught on the raisins.

Well, guess who’s here?

See you in Hell . . .


See You in Hell

26 Nov 2014 /

Satan

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE]

CLAYTON, Mo.— A grand jury declined to indict a white police officer in the shooting of an unarmed black teenager whose death in the St. Louis suburb of Ferguson became a national flash point on race, justice and policing.

WSJ.com

Greetings from the underworld!

  1. Why is Michael Brown always described as “an unarmed black teenager” rather than “a violent troublemaker” or “a current resident of Hell,” both of which are at least equally accurate?
  2. Anyone who thinks an unarmed person doesn’t pose a threat has never been punched in the face.
  3. If you have a gun and I don’t and you let me take the gun away from you, all of a sudden I’m not unarmed anymore.

See you in Hell . . .


See You in Hell, O Ye of Little Faith

14 Sep 2014 /

Satan

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE]

Greetings from the underworld! I was catching up on Facebook this morning and saw that a woman is going in for brain surgery and her family and friends are asking for prayers for her recovery.

Isn’t that overkill — prayer and brain surgery? Why not just pray for her recovery and if she doesn’t make it, you chalk it up to God’s will?

Some “true believer” religions, e.g., the Christian Science church, do that. They believe more in prayer than in medicine. They decline medical care because they believe that God can heal the sick, raise the dead, cleanse the lepers, cast out demons, etc. as he did in the Bible. These are the folks you hear about when they come up on criminal charges after refusing medical care for their seriously ill children and the children die.

Either God can cure a brain tumor or he can’t. Why ask a doctor to cure a brain tumor if you’ve already asked God to cure the brain tumor? Because when it comes down to matters of life and death, most people don’t really believe in God and prayer the way they believe in doctors.

Why are ye fearful, O ye of little faith?

See you in Hell . . .


See You in Hell, Carl Douglas

5 May 2014 /

Satan

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE]

“It put a smile on my face that finally [Donald Sterling] would be unable to deny the racist allegations against him,” said Carl Douglas, a lawyer who represented former Clippers general manager Elgin Baylor in a lawsuit against Sterling.

Carl Douglas is best known as a member of the O.J. Simpson defense team. O.J. Simpson has done some regrettable things, like murdering a couple of white people, but at least he’s never made negative remarks about Magic Johnson photos on Instagram.

See you in Hell . . .

P.S. Carl Douglas the lawyer should not be confused with Carl Douglas the “Kung Fu Fighting” singer. Him, I like.


See You in Hell

3 May 2014 /

Satan

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE]

Congratulations, Americans! Your lives have become so trivialized that you think the most important issue facing your country is how many Magic Johnson photos get posted to Instagram.

See you in Hell . . .


See You in Hell: The Fritz Pollard Edition

1 Mar 2014 /

Satan

Satan


[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE]

The head of the Fritz Pollard Alliance, which monitors diversity in the NFL, expects the league to institute a rule where players would be penalized 15 yards for using the N-word on the field.

The N-word. Let’s see . . . the N-word is “National,” the F-word is “Football” and the L-word is “League.”

Wait — what?! I’m now being informed that the N-word in this case is “nigger.” That’s what the Fritz Pollard Alliance wants to penalize. OK, that’s a great idea, Fritz Pollard Alliance, and by “great” I mean “bullshit.”

Has anyone at the Fritz Pollard Alliance read the Harry Potter books? In the Harry Potter books, Voldemort is known as He Who Must Not Be Named. He’s so powerful and scary and evil that you’re not even allowed to say his name! The only person who’s not afraid to say Voldemort’s name is Harry Potter.

I wish someone would ban my name from being spoken. I hate to hear my name bandied about — “Satan this” and “Satan that.” It makes me seem unremarkable, like someone you might chat with at a dinner party or meet at Starbucks for a coffee.

If people were banned from speaking my name, every time someone did speak it, accidentally or on purpose, it would be like “AUUUUGH! SATAN HAS BEEN UNLEASHED FROM THE DEPTHS OF HELL!” I’d be 10 times more fearsome than I am already.

You see where I’m going with this, Fritz Pollard Alliance? Banning the use of a word makes the word more scary and powerful, not less.

Who knows better than me that if you make a thing forbidden, people will want that thing more than ever? I call that Satan’s Paradox.

 

Except for the N-word, all racial, ethnic or religious zingers, epithets and provocations remain A-okay with Fritz and his boys. The Kailee Wong Alliance has proposed that calling a Chinese player a gook or a Vietnamese player a chink, instead of the other way around, be grounds for automatic ejection, but adoption of the proposal is considered unlikely.

See you in Hell . . .


See You in Hell, New Orleans

4 Sep 2013 /

Satan

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE]

A 1-year-old girl was shot dead in her babysitter’s arms in New Orleans, prompting the city’s mayor to declare “enough is enough” as police hunted for two suspects with little help from witnesses.

Londyn Samuels, who was just learning to walk, was struck by a bullet fired into her 18-year-old nanny’s back as she carried the toddler home from the park.

There’s a train they call the City of New Orleans, and it is on a fast track to Hell.

First of all, let me say for the record that everyone is equal in Hell — regardless of race, color, religion, creed, national origin, blah blah blah, or any other legally protected status.

That said, when I see a headline like 1-year-old shot to death on New Orleans street, I know when I click through, I’m going to see a black face on the other side.

White people have their own peccadilloes, but they don’t shoot babies in the street.

As for the second part of the headline — “Enough is enough” — an 11-year-old New Orleans girl rocking her baby cousin to sleep was killed a few days later when gunmen started shooting into her house.

It’s getting to where I myself am afraid to go to New Orleans. Ha ha, no I’m not, but you see what I mean.

Anyway, here’s some advice from a guy who’s been around: If you’re black, and you want to be remembered fondly, or remembered at all, make sure you get shot by someone who’s not black.

For example: a kid in Florida named Trayvon Martin was shot by a Hispanic man with a white name: George Zimmerman. Everyone remembers Trayvon Martin. Even the president talks about him. Black “leaders” shuffle his parents in front of various assemblages demanding Justice for Trayvon.

He’s remembered lovingly by people willing to overlook the fact that he was trying to beat George Zimmerman to death when, unfortunately for him, Zimmerman pulled a gun and shot him.

Trayvon Martin is . . . well, let’s just say that God doesn’t like violent troublemakers, despite being a violent troublemaker himself. What a phony.

Londyn Samuels

Londyn Samuels

Londyn Samuels is in heaven, of course. She led a short, blameless life.

But because the man who shot her was black, not only is no one demanding Justice for Londyn, witnesses won’t come forward to ID the shooter, and no black “leader” has directed so much as a “shame on you” toward anyone involved.

See you in Hell!


James Gandolfini Will See You in Hell

21 Jun 2013 /

Satan

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE]

James Gandolfini is in Hell now. He says hi, and thanks for all the kind words.

I’ve been at this gig a long time now but it still amazes me the hyperbole that surrounds the death of actors. Every one of them who dies is one of the great thespians of all time, if you buy into the post-mortem hype.

Most lines of work have objective standards. When Joe Shlabotnik bites the dust, you can’t eulogize him as one of the great ballplayers of all time. But acting is something anyone can do well. You learn the script, say your lines and pick up your check.

“He died too soon,” people say. When was he supposed to die? Like we can’t find another fat Italian guy to learn a script, say his lines and pick up his check?

As George Burns used to say, “Good acting is when Walter Matthau says to me, ‘How are you?’ and I answer, ‘Fine.’ That’s good acting. If Walter Matthau asks me, ‘How are you?’ and I answer, ‘I think it fell on the floor,’ then that’s bad acting.”

George is in heaven now.

Gandolfini’s in Hell for a couple of reasons. He was married — not when he died, but a long time ago — to a woman named Marcy Wudarski. He divorced her in December 2002, after he got famous from being on the television. They had a young son together.

Listen up, big shots. And this goes for the ladies too. You wake up one day and realize that you’re famous and you’re married to a Polack from New Jersey. You took what you could get at the time but you could do a lot better now. (Gandolfini’s widow is an Asian ex-model.) Do you have kids? No? Fine! Do whatever you want!

But God likes for married couples with kids to stick together. He says that all the evidence points to kids with intact families doing a lot better in life. Yeah, I know you’re bored with your relationship but your kids aren’t bored with it so quit being selfish.

Reason number two: God gets angry when people pretend to kill and be killed for entertainment purposes. Heads up: A lot of folks are going to Hell over this one. Death is the main source of entertainment in the U.S. at this time. Death and karaoke shows. And God doesn’t like karaoke shows either.

Gandolfini is famous for being on a TV show that entertained people with violence and death. Who’s laughing now, fat boy?

See you in Hell . . .


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