Author Archive: Paul Epps

Robotic Artist Has Solo Show at Oxford

This Robot Artist Just Became the First to Stage a Solo Exhibition. What Does That Say About Creativity? Time A robot painter has a solo exhibition on display at Oxford. Van Gogh has asked that his gun be sent to Hell so he can shoot himself again . . . Read more →

Two People Who Look Younger Than 60

The pharmacist, in the process of checking my records, seems to have done a calculation on my age . . . “You look much younger than 60,” he says. “Thanks, so do you.” “I’m 37.” “Well, that explains it.” Read more →

BuzzFeed Journalists Walked Off the Job — What Happened Next Will Blow Your Mind!

BuzzFeed journalists just walked off the job in 4 cities. Here’s why. Vox Seriously though, in the absence of BuzzFeed “journalists,” where can I find a quiz to learn if my cat is going to kill me?! Read more →

Bathtime With Sylvia Plath

There must be quite a few things a hot bath won’t cure, but I don’t know many of them. Sylvia Plath And those few things can be cured by sticking your head in an oven . . . Read more →

EppsNet Book Reviews: Faceless Killers

Faceless Killers is the first novel in the Kurt Wallander series by Henning Mankell, described as “Sweden’s greatest living crime writer” and “the dean of Scandianvian noir.” I love a good mystery novel — a good mystery novel — but most mystery novels are very bad. I can’t even finish them. Genre novels — mystery, fantasy, romance, sci-fi, etc. — have a built-in audience so the quality standard is well below the standard for a mainstream novel. I did finish Faceless Killers, so it’s better than most, but it’s still no more exciting than a Swedish meatball. If you’ve ever had an inkling to try writing a mystery novel, I encourage you to move forward with it. Your competition is mostly idiots. Rating: Read more →

And when they seek to oppress you
And when they try to destroy you,
Rise and rise again and again
Like the Phoenix from the ashes
Until the lambs have become lions and the rule of Darkness is no more

Maitreya, The Friend of All Souls, The Holy Book of Destiny

Non-Toxic Masculinity: Women and Children First

According to Titanic Belfast (“She was alright when she left here”), 72 percent of the women aboard Titanic survived vs. 19 percent of the men. (In 1912, people were arbitrarily divided into only two genders!) “Women and children first” — who came up with that idea? Men! Had they wanted to get in a lifeboat, they could have just pitched the women into the sea. But no . . . You go ahead, honey. I’ll just stay here on the boat and drown. Read more →

Non-Toxic Masculinity

Amanda Eller, rescued from the jungles of Maui I’m hearing a lot about “toxic masculinity” recently . . . in fact I rarely hear anyone talk about masculinity without the word “toxic” in front of it. But I’ve noticed that when people get themselves into life-threatening situations — lost in the jungle, trapped in a cave, etc. — the volunteers who show up to attempt a rescue are always men. I remember one guy died in the Thailand cave rescue. A volunteer — he didn’t even have to be there. So I’d like to recognize non-toxic masculinity — bravery, strength, compassion — that gets things done in the world that women can’t or won’t do. Read more →

If I Were a Cardiologist

I drove through Carl’s Jr. for lunch . . . “Would you like to try a Triple Bacon Cheeseburger?” the girl asked. Triple?! A triple bacon burger!? The burger itself is 1,300 calories. If you go with the combo, it’s well over 2,000 calories. If I were a cardiologist, I’d be sending a thank you note to whoever thought this up . . . Read more →

SAT to Give Students ‘Adversity Score’

SAT to Give Students ‘Adversity Score’ to Capture Social and Economic Background The Wall Street Journal We’re not even done reviling everyone involved in tilting the academic scales based on students’ social and economic background when the College Board announces a plan to . . . tilt the academic scales based on students’ social and economic background. Read more →

See You in Hell, Charlize Theron

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE] Warmest greetings from Hell! I was leading a hot yoga class when Access Hollywood came on one of the TVs . . . they were raving about Charlize Theron as Mother of the Year if not Mother of All Time because her 3-year-old son announced “I’m not a boy” and this dingbat decided to roll with it and raise him as her “daughter.” Even a crackpot celebrity trying to make noise and draw attention to herself must realize that a 3-year-old has no conception of what “I’m not a boy” means. Right? Maybe he means he’s a space alien. Maybe next week he’ll decide he’s a golden retriever — then what? Put him on a leash and go for a walk? See you in Hell . . . Read more →

Epitaph

He loved, was not loved, and his life ended in disaster. Let’s leave it at that. Read more →

Stop Screwing Around and Cure Something!

A doctor asked me if I watch Game of Thrones . . . “No,” I said. “Shouldn’t you be spending your time reading medical journals instead of watching mindless entertainments?” I feel like this is what gives disease the upper hand, medical professionals wasting their time watching television shows. Stop screwing around and cure something! Read more →

Anderson Cooper Has Not Been Cleared of Russian Collusion

Anderson Cooper is saying that CNN has never made any claims against President Trump . . . I’d put my research team to work on that if I had a research team, but since I don’t, I’ll just point out that 99 percent of CNN’s panel guests for the past two years made claims against President Trump, which I don’t think was accidental. There was a period of several months, for example, where Michael Avenatti was on CNN probably more often than Cooper himself, for no reason other than to make claims against President Trump.  (Whatever happened to Avenatti, by the way? CNN seems to have lost interest in him.) There’s a technical distinction between making claims against someone and providing two years of airtime to other people making claims, but it’s not a credible distinction. Cooper also likes to say that President Trump was not cleared of Russian collusion,… Read more →

Sometimes I Get My Product Names Mixed Up

Driving through McDonald’s this morning . . . “Hi, I’d like a Big Mac and an iced coffee please.” “We don’t have Big Macs right now.” “You don’t have Big Macs?!“ “Not till 10:30.” “You won’t have Big Macs till 10:30?!“ “It’s breakfast right now.” “Wait . . . did I say Big Mac? I meant Egg McMuffin. Do you have those?” “Yes.” “Excellent!” Read more →

Citizen Canine

I drove past this place in Oakland. Paws down the best name ever for a doggie day care . . . Read more →

What Can USC Students Tell Us About Inequality?

Well, according to the New York Times, some USC students jet to Bali for spring break, while some of their classmates work overnight shifts to pay for books! Instead of inequality, think of it as diversity. So now it’s a good thing! The Times for some reason writes USC as U.S.C., even though nobody does that. I’ve noticed the Times always measures life outcomes in terms of money, like that’s the only possible criterion. What ‘s so great about jetting to Bali anyway? What are you going to do, lay on a fucking beach? There are 50 beaches within two hours of USC. It’s the same sun up in the sky. You’re the same person with the same problems in Bali as you are here. You jet to Bali, you jet home, absolute waste of time. Read more →

Yanked Down to the Bottom

In the old party of classic 20th-century Democratic liberalism, they wanted everyone to rise. . . . Now there’s a mood not of Everyone Can Rise but of Some Must Be Taken Down. It’s bitter, resentful, divisive. . . . America is not good guys in a foxhole to them, it’s crabs in a barrel with the one who gets to the top getting yanked down to the bottom — deservedly. — Peggy Noonan Read more →

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