Author Archive: Thomas Jefferson

Thomas Jefferson: Animals, Not People

My fellow Americans — I heard or read the Trump sound bite — “These are not people. These are animals.” — several times this week, always with no context to clarify who or what the pronoun “these” refers to. I plan to use that line next time I visit the National Zoo. It’s going to be hilarious. Listeners and readers… Read more →

Thomas Jefferson: Bush 41 Calls Trump a “Blowhard”

Stinging rebuke from a one-term president who won the White House on the coattails of Ronald Reagan! Read my lips: Hurry up and die. I dislike Republicans and Democrats equally. It’s a choice between which gang of thieves you want to be robbed by. Elect a Democratic president and get four years of trench warfare against Republicans. Elect a Republican… Read more →

Thomas Jefferson: Election Rigged For Hillary

My fellow Americans — Democrats are now confirming something that we already knew: the primary election was rigged for Hillary Clinton. I observed during the 2016 primary election campaigns that both parties would rather lose the White House than give up the power to shove horseshit candidates down the public’s throats and make them think that they voted for it. Read more →

The 30 Most Anticipated TV Shows

My fellow Americans — I just saw a link to The 30 Most Anticipated TV Shows of 2016. How many TV shows do you people have if thirty of them are the most anticipated?! Some despotic regimes around the world rely on starvation and threats of violence to keep the people in a state of submissive compliance. Here in America,… Read more →

You Say Anarchy, Sir, Like It’s a Bad Thing

Frankly, one of our political parties is insane, and we all know which one it is. They have descended from the realm of reasonableness that was the mark of conservatism. They dream of anarchy, of ending government. — Bruce Bartlett My fellow Americans — I’ll tell you who’s insane: anyone who’s not dreaming of anarchy at this moment in history… Read more →

Thomas Jefferson on Why Your Health Insurance Premium is Going Up

Health insurance companies across the country are seeking and winning double-digit increases in premiums for some customers, even though one of the biggest objectives of the Obama administration’s health care law was to stem the rapid rise in insurance costs for consumers. — Despite New Health Law, Some See Sharp Rise in Premiums – NYTimes.com That headline should not read… Read more →

Thomas Jefferson Solves the Country’s Obesity Problem

A slight minority of Democrats (48%) say the government should be extremely or very involved compared to 13 percent of Republicans. Non-whites (47%) are more likely than whites (25%) to say the government should be very or extremely involved in finding solutions to the country’s obesity problem. — Obesity in the United States: Public Perceptions My fellow Americans — The… Read more →

“Creating Jobs” and Other Fallacies

Almost everything appertaining to the circumstances of a nation, has been absorbed and confounded under the general and mysterious word government. Though it avoids taking to its account the errors it commits, and the mischiefs it occasions, it fails not to arrogate to itself whatever has the appearance of prosperity. It robs industry of its honours, by pedantically making itself… Read more →

Pleonasm of the Day: Offended Muslims

ple·o·nasm, noun the use of more words than are necessary to express an idea; redundancy. an instance of this, as free gift or true fact. My fellow Americans — U.S. embassies in Egypt, Libya and Yemen have been attacked by Muslims offended by a YouTube video. “Offended Muslims” — there’s a pleonasm for you! The embassy in Egypt, hoping to… Read more →

Thomas Jefferson on “You Didn’t Build That”

Almost everything appertaining to the circumstances of a nation, has been absorbed and confounded under the general and mysterious word government. Though it avoids taking to its account the errors it commits, and the mischiefs it occasions, it fails not to arrogate to itself whatever has the appearance of prosperity. It robs industry of its honours, by pedantically making itself… Read more →

Thomas Jefferson on Weinergate

Rep. Weiner of New York — one of the 13 original colonies — has been sending photos of his penis to women in Texas, Washington and other points west. When I was president, Texas and Washington weren’t even part of the country, and if I wanted to show a woman my dick, she had to be right there in the… Read more →

Thomas Jefferson on Christine O’Donnell

For all of you pussies out there making fun of her, just know that I would bang her, and if I would bang her, then she’s hot. Read more →

You Don’t Say

WASHINGTON — President Barack Obama told voters repeatedly during the health care debate that the overhaul legislation would bring down fast-rising health care costs and save them money. Now, he’s hemming and hawing on that. — Health care politics run into economic reality – msnbc.com Could not have seen that coming! Read more →

Don’t Send a Community Organizer to Do a President’s Job

My fellow Americans — I’m angry. Not just because the southern coastline of our nation — including Louisiana, which I purchased from Napoleon in the sweetest deal of 1803 — is being destroyed. Read these pathetic remarks from our president, Barack Obama: The president also implied that anti-big government types such as tea party activists were being hypocritical on the… Read more →

Thomas Jefferson on the Oil Spill

I do not believe that the federal government should have a central and powerful place in American life. I believe in freedom and self-reliance. Some people, like President Obama, disagree with me. He believes you should part company with your freedom and your money for the privilege of having the government take care of you — wipe your collective backsides,… Read more →

Thomas Jefferson on the Health Care Bill

Experience hath shewn, that even under the best forms of government those entrusted with power have, in time, and by slow operations, perverted it into tyranny. — TJ My fellow Americans — This is a glorious day in our great nation! No, I’m not referring to that tragedy of a health care bill, which I’ll get to in a moment.… Read more →

Thomas Jefferson on Freedom

We’re not interested in government fixes, we’re interested in freedom. — Sarah Palin My fellow Americans — This Palin woman stimulates me on multiple levels. She’s absolutely right in what she says. Let’s go back to first principles. We founded this country as “the land of the free and the home of the brave,” not as a goddamn hippie commune… Read more →

Thomas Jefferson on Obama’s Healthcare Speech

My fellow Americans — Perhaps it was unfair of me to be critical of President Obama’s healthcare speech without having heard it. There’s not much to do on a Saturday night when you’re dead, so I read the transcript: We’ve estimated that most of this plan can be paid for by finding savings within the existing health care system, a… Read more →

Thomas Jefferson on Edward M. Kennedy, 1932-2009

I’ve never understood what was so great about this guy. He was immature, a drunk and a womanizer. In 1979, he couldn’t answer a softball question about why he wanted to be president and didn’t even make it out of the primaries. The best thing I can say about him is that he got things done. He had an undeniably… Read more →

Thomas Jefferson: A Birthday Gift

My fellow Americans — Did you know that I was born on this date in 1743? Probably you didn’t because nobody makes a big deal about it like Washington’s birthday or Lincoln’s. That used to really bother me but I’m okay with it now. Anyway — it’s MY birthday but YOU get the gift. Point your browser at the Guess… Read more →

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