EppsNet Archive: Teeth

Anything Bothering You?

23 May 2017 /
Brushing teeth

“Anything new?” the dental hygienist asks. “Anything bothering you?”

“Oh my god yes,” I reply. “The media coverage of Trump, for one thing.”

“I meant with your teeth,” she says.

“Oh my teeth are fine.”


At the Dentist

4 May 2015 /

“Any pain or sensitivity?” the hygienist asks.

“Oh my gosh yes . . . wait, you mean in my teeth?


Are You Experienced?

30 Apr 2013 /
Brushing teeth

I got my teeth whitened today. Ah, vanitas vanitatum!

“Have you done this before?” the esthetician asked me.

“No . . . have you?”


At the Dentist

30 Oct 2012 /


Twitter: 2009-08-18

18 Aug 2009 /
  • If you can substitute toothpaste for spackle, can you substitute spackle for toothpaste? Might be good for whitening your teeth… #
  • RT @paulandstorm: [S] Today's trillion-dollar idea: patent the concept of "technology" #

Girls are a Distraction

20 Oct 2008 /
Girl shopping

My son’s looking forward to February when his braces come off . . .

“Throw some Crest whitening strips on there and the sky’s the limit as far as girlfriends are concerned,” he says.

“Girls are a distraction right now,” his mom says. “You need to focus on academics.”

“Mom’s right,” I say. “Having a wife or a girlfriend is like taking a 5-year-old to the mall. You can’t go as fast as you want to because the 5-year-old can’t keep up the pace. And you’re not going to be able to accomplish the things you want to accomplish . . .”

“Don’t give the boy a bad attitude,” she says.

“. . . because the 5-year-old is . . .”

“Whatever you’re going to say . . .”

“. . . monopolizing your attention . . .”

“. . . don’t say it.”

“. . . with her juvenile behavior.”