A little girl was in a drawing lesson. She was six, and she was at the back, drawing, and the teacher said this girl hardly ever paid attention, and in this drawing lesson, she did. The teacher was fascinated. She went over to her, and she said, “What are you drawing?” And the girl said, “I’m drawing a picture of God.” And the teacher said, “But nobody knows what God looks like.” And the girl said, “They will, in a minute.”
Notes from the Golden Orange
The administrator at the dentist office asks me, “Has anything changed since your last visit?”
“Well . . . we’re all 6 months closer to death.”
“I meant your contact info and insurance,” she says.
“No, those remain unchanged with the passage of time.”
I really hope what isn’t killing me is making me stronger . . .
New poll finds 9 in 10 Native Americans aren’t offended by Redskins name — The Washington Post
Man, am I sick of people who get offended on behalf of a group they don’t belong to, projecting their own phony outrage on the group members and their own biases on non-group members.
In light of the poll results, non-Native American opponents of the Redskin name seem to have changed their position slightly to say that Native Americans are in fact being offended but are too dumb to realize it.
Dear Amy: I am a happily married 27-year-old woman about to have my first baby, and I am terrified because it isn’t my husband’s baby.
Last spring, another woman and I took a trip to the Bahamas. At the hotel I had a massage and was seduced by the masseur. I tried to resist, but I guess I got carried away. I sort of cooperated once things got started.
After some prenatal tests, my doctor recently told me that the baby’s blood type is different from both my husband’s and mine, which means the baby is not his. When the baby is born, it will be very obvious: My husband and I are white, and the masseur is black.
I can’t tell my husband; I think that he would leave me. It’s too late for an abortion. What can I do? Please advise me.
I have a short video from the Haas Business School graduation last year, I don’t think I ever posted it . . .
The ideal consumer is someone who is anxious, depressed and constantly dissatisfied. Academic studies from the most respected institutions show that sad people are bigger spenders. Why do you think our lives are saturated with images of flawless, unattainable beauty?
[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE]
Along with pleas for money, almost 100 percent of the cardboard signs I see being held by people on freeway off-ramps and the like include the phrase “God Bless You.”
There seems to be a correlation between belief in God and begging for money on off-ramps. Notice that you never see Satanists begging for money.
Why don’t they pray for the money? Maybe they did pray and God told them to make a cardboard sign?
I tell my acolytes if they need money, learn to code.
See you in Hell . . .
“How many pieces are you playing at the piano recital?”
“Two,” I reply, “but one is very short.”
“Who are the composers?”
“Bach and Liszt.”
“What is that? ‘Box’?”
“Why do you ask me who the composers are if you’ve never heard of Bach?”
“That’s salesmanship.” Did I mention he’s a salesman? “You’ve gotta push it.”
I’m in an office this morning where a TV is tuned to Good Morning, America . . . it’s Mothers Day weekend and a woman is being honored because she has children, who are now grown, and she prioritized the children in her life and made sacrifices for them.
That’s where we are in the 21st century — a mother who centers her life around her children is a national phenomenon.
Can’t wait for Fathers Day . . .
And those that had money looked good but weren’t too happy
And those who didn’t have money didn’t look so good
And weren’t too happy either and in a city of three million
two hundred and sixty nine thousand nine hundred eighty four
Everyone was lonely
Hi everybody! It’s me, Lightning!
Did you know that dogs are descended from wolves? Wolves aren’t as big or strong as lions or tigers or bears but on the other hand you never see a wolf in the circus, do you?
I noticed walking to Starbucks this morning that my right knee was making a snapping noise every time I took a step. No pain, just a snapping noise. So I prayed to God to make the snapping noise stop — and it did!
But then it started up again a few minutes later. 🙁
It turns out that the noise wasn’t coming from my right knee, it was coming from the right pocket of my sweatpants, where my house key was bouncing against my phone.
Washington Post editorial board calls on GOP to reject Trump as nominee — CBS News
“Morally, there is no other option,” according to the Post.
Yes, the problem is that most of us are not as morally enlightened as the Washington Post editorial board because if we were we would think and act exactly as they do.
What a crock of shit . . .
Apple employee found dead at company headquarters — CNN Money
I have never known anyone who died at work, although I’ve seen a couple of close calls.
My dad died of a heart attack at home on a Monday morning when he normally would have gone to work. If he’d been able to hang in there a few more hours, he could have died at the office.
I also worked with a fellow quite a few years ago who was in the office on Friday and died over the weekend. We heard about it on Monday. It wasn’t super shocking because he was an older man and not in the peak of health. He looked like John Huston with one day to live.
That was a terrible company. I remember thinking, “Well, at least he doesn’t have to come to work today.”
The only enjoyment I’ve had as a Lakers fan the past few years is watching the Clippers’ annual playoff debacles . . .
Yo-Yo Ma’s principal instrument is a Montagnana cello built in 1733. – Strings Magazine
He plays a cello built in 1733!? In 300 years, we’ve learned nothing about making cellos?!
“I hate to use stereotypes but . . .”
“For someone who hates to use stereotypes, you seem to have a stereotype for absolutely everyone.”