This is screamingly funny in an unfunny way . . .
An Irvine man has started up a greeting card company specializing in father-to-son cards:
Founder, Steve Cunningham, a father of four could not find masculine cards written with the right message for his boys. During his travels, or when away for long periods, he often wanted to send a card conveying “I’m thinking of you” or perhaps express an uplifting word of encouragement, motivation, or proud of you. After endless searches on-line and in countless retail outlets, Steve begged the question… why is so little attention paid to men, particularly fathers who play an invaluable roll in the development of their children?
OK, first of all, Steve is an idiot. He’s got a less-than-rudimentary command of the English language, but like many incompetent people, is unaware of his own incompetence, and thus doesn’t hire a copy editor to clean up his prose.
Second point: You can’t play an invaluable “roll” in your children’s lives if you’re not even there, no matter how many long-distance socks in the arm you send via greeting card.
If you look through the cards, the first thing you notice — no, I take that back. The first thing you notice is that all of the people on the cards seem to be living in a permanent fog bank. But the second thing you notice is that sentiments appropriate for face-to-face conversations or phone calls can be wildly inappropriate for greeting cards.
Here’s a sample:
two decisions, the best thing to do is
to follow your instincts.
You’ve always had a good
head on your shoulders, son.
I know you want my advice, but this time,
the best guidance I can give you is
to have faith in yourself,
as I have faith you’ll make the best
choice for you.
I love you, son.
How did the dad know that his son wanted advice? Is there a line of son-to-father greeting cards? Dad, I’d like your advice . . .
I can’t imagine a more impersonal form of communication. Even an email would be preferable. A telegram would be preferable. At least you’d have to put it your own words.
Sometimes reality is almost indistinguishable from brilliant satire. The idea that a line of greeting cards is actually a fine substitute for human interaction . . . if you read it in The Onion, you wouldn’t be able to stop laughing.
I mean, what kind of arrogant, cold-blooded bastard communicates with his children via greeting cards?!
“Bill Belichick,” my son suggests.