People who advise you to “embrace failure.” Probably good advice, but if I’ve heard it once, I’ve heard it ten thousand times. We get it: Embrace Failure. Let’s move on already. Extra demerits: You have opinions on other completely played-out topics like management vs. leadership and how to optimize your LinkedIn profile. People who say “Can I put you on hold for a moment?” and then immediately put me on hold without giving me a chance to sigh ostentatiously and say “If you must.” Full-grown adults who tell you how sexually attracted they are to an actor or actress in a movie. Extra demerits: You invent your own fawning vocabulary with words like “droolworthy.” Your ability to be sexually aroused by a fantasy on a movie screen doesn’t enhance my opinion of you at all. Try maintaining a relationship in real life with someone who’s no more attractive than you… Read more →
Author Archive: Hostile Witness
The Perfect Murder, Revisited
I have long maintained that the best way to kill someone and get away with it is to push them off a cliff. It’s simple, clean. no need to dispose of evidence, and reasonable doubt is almost assured. It’s not totally foolproof however. Let’s look at where the defendant in this case went wrong: Harold Henthorn scouted the remote area of the popular park 75 miles north of Denver nine times before bringing his wife with him. He was searching for the “perfect place to murder someone,” where there would be no witnesses and no chance of her surviving, prosecutor Suneeta Hazra said. Don’t make nine trips to reconnoiter the scene of the crime. Don’t even make one trip. It’s both unnecessary and highly suspect. Prosecutors argued the fatal fall was reminiscent of the death of Henthorn’s first wife, Sandra Lynn Henthorn, who was crushed when a car slipped off… Read more →
Lose the Pastels and the Mopey Attitude
Americans love gay people. Since this photo has been posted, it has 60,000 shares, 60,000 comments (including presidential candidates) and 640,000 (that’s six hundred and forty thousand) likes. In the short time since the Supreme Court’s gay marriage ruling there’s been a national competition to see who can demonstrate the most elation about it. (OK, if you’re gay, a few bad apples will dislike you based on that alone but that’s true if you’re identifiable as a member of any group, which we all are.) I’m afraid about the future. I’m afraid people won’t like me. Leave out the part about being homosexual and you could post a picture of anyone. The percentage of Americans who can’t get through the day without medication — I’m including self-medication via alcohol, cigarettes, coffee, food, etc. — is a lot closer to 100 than it is to zero. Nobody’s life is a fairy… Read more →
More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of
People who post love letters to their spouse on Facebook: I’m a fairly smart guy. I’ve done smart things and dumb things. But by far, the smartest thing I ever did was 32 years ago today: I married [wife’s name]. I knew she was beautiful, smart, fun, and kind. And pregnant. You left out “pregnant.” And that she has a father with a Sicilian code of ethics who was not going to let his daughter give birth out of wedlock. What I’ve learned over the years is that she is all those and so much more. My wife is loyal, strong, persistent, faithful, courageous, generous . . . Congratulations, you married a Boy Scout! . . . and a person of great integrity. Additionally, she’s a gifted musician. Oh come on, everyone knows that’s not true. She’s not even as good as me and I’m a complete phony. At 24,… Read more →
Don’t Go Upstairs
STATE COLLEGE, Pa. — When Bridget Winch went to parties at Kappa Delta Rho, she observed one rule: Never go upstairs. — At Penn State, one woman’s rule at fraternity parties: Don’t go upstairs – The Washington Post That merits a feature article in the Washington Post? She’s the only woman who’s figured that out? If I had a daughter, I’d like to think she’d have at least that much sense, maybe a little more. Here’s another idea: go upstairs and blame whatever happens on the fraternity, the fraternity system and our entire American society. Or if nothing happens, make something up. Related articles After release of scathing report, Rolling Stone retracts article on rape at UVA (theweek.com) Read more →
Testing a White Privilege Theory
According to an article titled “The Thing About White Privilege,” “job applicants with white sounding names are 50% more likely to receive a callback for a job interview than applicants with black-sounding names, even when all job-related qualifications and credentials are the same.” What happens when someone with an Asian-sounding name applies for a job? Serious question. Does the answer support a white privilege theory? What about someone with an Indian-sounding name? A Middle Eastern-sounding name? A Jewish-sounding name? An actual African-sounding name? Test your theories against reality rather than just slinging bullshit and ignoring information that inconveniences you. I followed the link above and learned that “applicants with white names needed to send about 10 resumes to get one callback; those with African-American names needed to send around 15 resumes to get one callback.” That’s 10 percent vs. about 7 percent. Anyone who thinks “50% more likely” is the… Read more →
Thanks But I Already Have One
Women Need to Get Into New Professions Where They Can Be Shot
A man in Texas shot two people breaking into his home, which probably wouldn’t be terribly newsworthy except that the two people were both women. Armed robbery is like technology and engineering in that it’s a profession in which women are seriously underrepresented so I endorse this as a step forward for diversity and inclusiveness. Read more →
L’Affaire Winston
Florida State said Friday its athletic department compliance staff is reviewing the reported authenticated signatures by Jameis Winston, but has yet to find evidence that the star quarterback accepted payment for the autographs. ESPN reported Thursday that more than 2,000 authenticated signatures by Winston have been found on the James Spence Authentication website. — ESPN.com A couple of very surprising things about this: Jameis Winston can write his name. That may be a clue. Before I bought any signed Jameis Winston memorabilia, I’d insist on independent verification of his ability to write his name, lest someone be foisting some counterfeit goods on me. Caveat emptor. Florida State’s football coach — a grown man named Jimbo — believes (or claims to believe) that Winston signed 2,000 items without being paid for doing it. He signed 2,000 items for free. I wouldn’t sign 2,000 items for free, would you? How long would… Read more →
More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of: Dr. Maya Angelou
Maya Angelou received quite a few honorary doctoral degrees in her lifetime and elected for some reason to refer to herself as Dr. Maya Angelou, despite not having an earned doctoral degree and despite, to my knowledge, never attending college at all. Many famous people are given honorary doctorates by universities but thank god they don’t all go around referring to themselves as, say, Dr. Arnold Schwarzenegger, Dr. Mike Tyson, Dr. Glenn Beck, etc., etc., etc. I’m also sick unto death of people who quote insipid thoughts from Maya Angelou as profundities, particularly if they refer to her as Dr. Maya Angelou when doing so. Read more →
More on Stuart Scott
I am sick unto death of this guy. I just read a sentence from his speech: You beat cancer by how you live, why you live, and in the manner in which you live. Ugh. Sickening. Millions of people fighting cancer and he’s the one guy who’s figured out how to fight it the right way. Like a lot of people, we have an immediate family member who had cancer, and like a lot of people, she battled it bravely, quietly, with humanity and dignity, and without any expectation of receiving an award, which she didn’t get. Unlike Stuart Scott, she never told anyone about all the unpleasant medical procedures she had to undergo and she never presented herself as a model for how life should be lived under difficult circumstances. Fuck this guy. Read more →
More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of: Stuart Scott
I’m hearing on the radio this morning that Stuart Scott received something called the Jimmy V Perseverance Award at the ESPYs last night . . . Who knew you could get an award for having cancer? I am exhausted by sports people, media people, entertainment people, sports media entertainment people sucking each other’s dicks. Stuart Scott and people like Stuart Scott have killed my enjoyment of sports with their endless self-promotional bullshit while I’m trying to watch highlights. I hate sports and it’s all because of Stuart Scott. And now he gets an award for having cancer. Everyone unfortunately has family members and/or friends who get cancer and battle it to the best of their abilities without receiving a goddamn award. It’s insulting to all of those people to give someone an award for having cancer and it’s doubly insulting to accept an award for having cancer. I have come… Read more →
More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of: Great West Retirement Services
Because I changed jobs recently, I want to roll over a 401k into an IRA. I filled out the form, mailed it in to Great West Retirement Services — they manage the 401k — and got this in return: The enclosed benefit request is being returned for additional and or missing information. We require the following item(s) be completed before processing can take place: Please have this request completed on the attached current version of the distribution form. The form this request was submitted on is now discontinued. OK, first of all, the form isn’t being returned for additional or missing information. I filled out the form I was given and you’re telling me it’s now discontinued. You can’t figure it out anyway? You really need me to fill out ANOTHER 6-PAGE FORM with EXACTLY THE SAME INFORMATION in a slightly different format?! And I love this part: “Please have… Read more →
Eat Mor Chikin
I like Chick-fil-A. I like that they put people with a mastery of English at the drive-thru, and I especially like that, unlike every other fast food outlet, they never ask me if I’d like to try the latest menu item. Carl’s Jr. is the worst offender in this area. They seem to constantly have new items on both the breakfast menu and the regular menu so no matter what hour of the day I show up, they have something to force feed me. “You have a huge picture of that item right here on the menu. It’s not like I’m unaware of its existence. Why can’t you just let me order what I want to order and stop badgering me?” It’s rude. They don’t do it face to face because they know it’s rude. They don’t “would you like to try” you if you get out of your car… Read more →
If There’s One Thing I Can’t Tolerate, It’s Intolerance
NEW YORK (AP) — A&E has declined to comment on new video of “Duck Dynasty” star Phil Robertson reviving past anti-gay remarks. His comments are included in a sermon delivered at his church in West Monroe, Louisiana, on Easter Sunday. Robertson includes homosexuals with other groups such as thieves and adulterers as hell-bound sinners. — New anti-gay remarks by ‘Duck Dynasty’ star emerge – MSN TV News Oooh, new anti-gay remarks. I’m trying to get appropriately offended about this but I can’t do it: As previously noted the last time he said the same thing, he’s not ad-libbing those remarks, he’s quoting a bible verse: Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the Kingdom of God? Be not deceived: Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor the effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind, nor thieves, nor the covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners shall inherit the… Read more →
Minimum Wage Proposal: $0.00
You can’t make ends meet on 8 bucks an hour? I can see where that would be a problem. When did fast food jobs become jobs for family breadwinners? Fast-food jobs are for high-school kids. You want to make $15 an hour? Simple: get a job that pays $15 an hour. What’s stopping you? Other than your lack of skills, education, motivation and accomplishments? If no employer is willing to pay you $15 an hour, then guess what? You’re not worth $15 an hour. You need to do something about that. Why is $15 an hour the magic number? Why not $16? Or $17? Why not $50 an hour? At $50 an hour, everyone would make a nice 6-figure income and poverty would be a thing of the past, right? If you raise the price of a product or service, the demand for the product or service goes down —… Read more →
More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of
I had a friendship with [Donald Sterling], so for him to then make these alleged comments about myself … there’s no place in our society for it. — Magic Johnson There’s no place in our society for what? For people who say, “Don’t post pictures of Magic Johnson on Instagram”? I say there’s no place in our society for affected morons who use intensive pronouns (“myself”) in place of personal pronouns (“me”). Someone made a cutting remark about a friend behind their back? Absolutely shocking! If everyone knew what their friends say about them behind their back, civilized society would collapse. Grow up, you simpleton . . . Read more →
I’m Done With the NBA
I’m choking to death on all the pious platitudes re Donald Sterling. I hope that TMZ will make a recurring feature out of providing glimpses into the private lives of NBA executives, coaches and players. The level of sanctimony amongst these juvenile moralizers will drop off a cliff. To cite an obvious example: The Clippers are currently in a playoff series against the Golden State Warriors. The coach of the Warriors, Mark Jackson, describes himself as “an African-American man that’s a fan of the game of basketball and knows its history and knows what’s right and what’s wrong.” He goes on to encourage people to boycott Clippers games and says, “We cannot allow someone with these feelings to profit.” Jackson is an ordained minister. He and his wife run the True Love Worship Center in Reseda, Ca. Jackson was also, a couple of years ago, the victim of an extortion… Read more →
Don’t Apologize
Good for her! I’m tired of people’s phony apologies for doing or saying something they damn well meant to do or say. In fact, not only did she not apologize, she added an additional zinger: “One of them has a book deal. Neither are in a psych ward. They’re okay. I bet you within 3 years one of them will be on ‘Dancing with the Stars.’” Read more →
More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of
People who hijack the occasion of another person’s death to offer up long-winded tributes – to themselves: “My fondest memory of the deceased is the time many years ago when he fixed me with his penetrating gaze and, in that intense manner of speaking he had that brooked no dissension, he told me how great I am. What an inspiring moment! Blah blah blah . . . me me me . . .” Thank you, Professor Pompous. Read more →