I am sick unto death of recruiters with titles like Director of Talent Acquisition or Executive in Intellectual Capital Development . . . Read more →
Author Archive: Hostile Witness
More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of
Recruiters who write job descriptions with requirements like this: Great Communication – must be able to speak very clear Read more →
Life is Losing
We are all receding — waving or beckoning or just kissing our fingertips, we are all fading, shrinking, paling. Life is all losing, we are all losing, losing mother, father, youth, hair, looks, teeth, friends, lovers, shape, reason, life. We are losing, losing, losing. Take life away. It’s too hard, too difficult. We aren’t any good at it. Try us out on something else. But shelve life. Take life off the stands. It’s too fucking difficult and we aren’t any good at it. — Martin Amis, Money That reminds me — it’s probably about time to schedule an eye exam because I can’t goddamn see any more . . . Read more →
Shooting the Messenger
I worked with a woman whose last name was Messenger. Every time I saw her I said “Don’t shoot the Messenger.” I never tired of it . . . Read more →
More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of
Parents who let their kids grow up stupid and blame the schools People who yawn or sneeze a LOT louder than necessary People who use the expression “we tip our hat [or cap] to those guys,” especially if they’re wearing a hat and they don’t physically tip it Read more →
Berkeley Voters Leave Something to be Desired as Parents
According to a new survey, just over 10 percent of Berkeley High ninth and 11th graders reported carrying a weapon onto school property, while about 35 percent of 11th graders reported attending class drunk or high. If I had a kid at Berkeley High, I’d be moving out of town yesterday, but I’m reading in the Daily Californian that this news has been “met with surprise and joy from administrators,” the reason being that a similar survey two years ago reported about 17 percent of ninth graders and 16 percent of 11th graders carrying weapons onto campus, and 48 percent of 11th graders attending class drunk or high. Progress! “We’re very pleased with the survey results all around,” said Director of Student Services Susan Craig, “and at the same time we’re not at all complacent.” If by “pleased” she means “horrified,” I couldn’t agree more. In other news, Barack Obama… Read more →
More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of: Paul Krugman
America in the 1950s made the rich pay their fair share; it gave workers the power to bargain for decent wages and benefits; yet contrary to right-wing propaganda then and now, it prospered. And we can do that again. — Paul Krugman I hardly know where to begin with this . . . First of all, what is the relevance of the 1950s as opposed to any other period of American history? America prior to 1913 had no permanent income tax and contrary to left-wing propaganda, it prospered. Why can’t we do that again? Of course we’re all in favor of fairness — right? — but why is it only important that “the rich” pay their “fair share”? I don’t remember ever hearing anyone, certainly not Krugman, use the phrase “pay their fair share” in reference to any group except “the rich.” If you’re concerned about fairness, isn’t it also… Read more →
HW’s Election Previews: Proposition 37
From the Offical Voter Information Guide: Requires labeling of food sold to consumers made from plants or animals with genetic material changed in specified ways. Prohibits marketing such food, or other processed food, as “natural.” Provides exemptions. Fiscal Impact: Increased annual state costs from a few hundred thousand dollars to over $1 million to regulate the labeling of genetically engineered foods. Additional, but likely not significant, governmental costs to address violations under the measure. Notice this phrase: “Provides exemptions.” In other words, the statute requires certain things and prohibits certain other things — except when it doesn’t. Not that it matters because $1 million a year isn’t going to buy you a lot of enforcement anyway. Who wrote this proposition, Dr. Evil? Prop 37 is supported by people who hate freedom and having to think for themselves. Read more →
At Least He Went Out a Winner
Edward Archbold was, according to those who met him on Friday night, the life of the party – a bit of a showoff who was up for anything, even a giant cockroach-eating contest. He won. And then, tragically, he died. — Florida man dies after winning cockroach-eating contest – U.S. News Not every death is a tragedy. (We pause here for a moment to give Darwin a chance to spike the football.) Whenever I hear someone described as “a bit of a showoff who’s up for anything,” I find myself wondering how soon they can die in some bizarre attempt to attract attention. Given what we know about the deceased, how surprised are you — on a scale of zero to 10 — that a shirtless mug shot was available for use in his obituary? Read more →
More People I’m Sick Unto Death Of
I’m going to savagely murder the next person I hear use the word “spend” as a noun, as in “leveraging our spend.” Spend is a verb. Spending is a noun, e.g., “leveraging our spending.” I would still have to maim you for saying “leveraging” though, so try “getting the most for our money.” You can also avoid death by saying “How much does it cost?” instead of “What is our spend?” You have been warned. Read more →
Things to Do in Cincinnati When You’re Bored
Cops: Teens beat man because ‘they were just bored’ — NBCNews.com Strange piece of “journalism” from NBC News . . . basically just a rewrite of a story in the Cincinnati Enquirer in which a 45-year-old man named Pat Mahaney received a senseless, brutal beating from six boys, ages 13 and 14: Mahaney was taken to Mercy Mount Airy Hospital, where he was treated for four days before being released Tuesday. Police said doctors had to insert a tube down his throat to remove all of the blood from his stomach. A tube remained in his right nostril as blood continued to seep out of his head, the Cincinnati Enquirer reported, and his left eye is heavily blackened. Police said the teens admitted that Mahaney had done nothing to provoke being kicked and punched repeatedly in the face while he lay helpless on the ground. One of the boys allegedly… Read more →
For Some Things, You Need a Man
80 Percent Of Lightning Strike Victims Are Male, But Why? — NPR Same reason all of your top executives are men — because we’re risk takers and we don’t run and hide under our blankies at the first sign of danger. Read more →
Jim Parsons
‘Big Bang Theory’s’ Jim Parsons comes out as gay — latimes.com Never heard of him, never seen the show, but do you really expect me to believe that the guy in this photo is gay? Read more →
Ask HW: How Can I Tell If My Nose Is Too Big?
Great question! Try slamming shut the back hatch of a minivan. If the hatch nearly breaks your nose off the front of your face, as happened to one of my neighbors recently, then your nose is definitely too big. Read more →
Matt Who?
Matt Damon is GAY?! Are you KIDDING me?! Wait — what? Matt BOMER is gay?! Why is THAT news? Read more →
People I Thought Were Dead
Norman Lear – television producer Updates Norman Lear, died 12/5/2023, age 101 Read more →
NTSB Recommends Ban on Driver Cell Phone Use
States should ban all driver use of cell phones and other portable electronic devices, except in emergencies, the National Transportation Board said Tuesday. The recommendation, unanimously agreed to by the five-member board, applies to both hands-free and hand-held phones and significantly exceeds any existing state laws restricting texting and cellphone use behind the wheel. — latimes.com DISLIKE! Busy, productive people need to talk and text while driving in order to jumpstart this economy! Yes, some of them will die, but it’s a net win because the benefits outweigh the costs. Read more →
Elf Girls
I wonder what elf girls taste like? Peppermint? Gingerbread? Read more →
Get What You Want
NEW YORK (CNNMoney) — Occupy Wall Street is on the move … uptown. Why uptown? Because that’s where the rich folks live! — CNNMoney I’d have more respect for these rubes if they marched to the homes and looted them. That’s what they want, right? Forced redistribution of assets? Break into the homes, beat people over the head and take their stuff. Fuck their wives, drink their scotch, smoke their cigars, put your feet on their desks. Liberté, égalité, fraternité! Don’t just stand there waving signs like a bunch of losers. What problem is that intended to solve? Read more →
Is it Good Etiquette to Call Someone a Cocksucker?
The rivalry between the Flyers and Rangers turned ugly in a penalty-filled preseason game that also appeared to include a homophobic slur from Philadelphia’s Wayne Simmonds to noted New York agitator Sean Avery. — FOX Sports on MSN I suppose that means he called him a faggot. The writer should probably look up the word “homophobic.” I don’t know exactly when it became out of bounds to call someone a faggot, but I know Kobe Bryant was fined $100,000 for the same thing last season. Is it okay to call a guy a cocksucker? I think that’s okay. It’s essentially the same thing as calling him a faggot, but I think it’s still okay to call someone a cocksucker. Or to say “Suck my dick, motherfucker.” In fact, I think you could say “Suck my dick, you motherfucking cunt-lipped cocksucker” and still be within the bounds of decorum. Just don’t… Read more →