EppsNet Archive: Charles Schulz

James Gandolfini Will See You in Hell

21 Jun 2013 /

Satan

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE]

James Gandolfini is in Hell now. He says hi, and thanks for all the kind words.

I’ve been at this gig a long time now but it still amazes me the hyperbole that surrounds the death of actors. Every one of them who dies is one of the great thespians of all time, if you buy into the post-mortem hype.

Most lines of work have objective standards. When Joe Shlabotnik bites the dust, you can’t eulogize him as one of the great ballplayers of all time. But acting is something anyone can do well. You learn the script, say your lines and pick up your check.

“He died too soon,” people say. When was he supposed to die? Like we can’t find another fat Italian guy to learn a script, say his lines and pick up his check?

As George Burns used to say, “Good acting is when Walter Matthau says to me, ‘How are you?’ and I answer, ‘Fine.’ That’s good acting. If Walter Matthau asks me, ‘How are you?’ and I answer, ‘I think it fell on the floor,’ then that’s bad acting.”

George is in heaven now.

Gandolfini’s in Hell for a couple of reasons. He was married — not when he died, but a long time ago — to a woman named Marcy Wudarski. He divorced her in December 2002, after he got famous from being on the television. They had a young son together.

Listen up, big shots. And this goes for the ladies too. You wake up one day and realize that you’re famous and you’re married to a Polack from New Jersey. You took what you could get at the time but you could do a lot better now. (Gandolfini’s widow is an Asian ex-model.) Do you have kids? No? Fine! Do whatever you want!

But God likes for married couples with kids to stick together. He says that all the evidence points to kids with intact families doing a lot better in life. Yeah, I know you’re bored with your relationship but your kids aren’t bored with it so quit being selfish.

Reason number two: God gets angry when people pretend to kill and be killed for entertainment purposes. Heads up: A lot of folks are going to Hell over this one. Death is the main source of entertainment in the U.S. at this time. Death and karaoke shows. And God doesn’t like karaoke shows either.

Gandolfini is famous for being on a TV show that entertained people with violence and death. Who’s laughing now, fat boy?

See you in Hell . . .


See You in Hell

7 Apr 2013 /

Satan

[See You in Hell is a feature by our guest blogger, Satan — PE]

Pastor Rick Warren’s son, Matthew, commits suicide, church says

I hope this won’t affect sales of The Purpose Driven Life.

The church is calling for prayers. They prayed for the kid — well, young man (he was 27) — when he was alive, he kills himself and now they’re calling for more prayers?! Wasn’t it Einstein who said the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results?

This is great PR for me, of course. My cell is blowing up . . . so many people trying to get in touch with me this weekend.

Dear Satan — Please look after my children. I don’t want them to end up like Rick Warren’s kid.

There are many troubled people on Earth looking for answers. And there are some people claiming to have the answers and offering to sell them to you.

One of my favorite Peanuts cartoons goes something like this:

LUCY (kneeling and looking at the ground): Look at those stupid bugs … They don’t have the slightest idea as to what is going on in this world.

CHARLIE BROWN: What is going on in this world?

LUCY: I don’t have the slightest idea.

I don’t have the slightest idea either and I’m Satan, for crying out loud. (I miss Charlie Schulz, by the way. He’s in heaven now.)

If you want a key takeaway from the Matthew Warren/Rick Warren story, here it is: Nobody has a clue.

Nobody has a clue.

See you in Hell . . .


Newport Harbor Lights

2 Jan 2013 /
3823 Corner House closer

We took a boat tour of Newport Harbor last week to see Christmas lights on the bayfront homes and yachts . . .

Current and former owners of these fabulous abodes include Nicolas Cage, Michelle Pfeiffer, Richie Sambora, Peter Falk, Mark McGwire, the William Wrigley family, the Snyder family (founders of In-N-Out Burger), the FaBrizio family (founders of Simple Green), Shirley Temple, George Burns and Gracie Allen, Humphrey Bogart and Lauren Bacall, John Wayne, Charles Bronson, Charles Schulz, George Argyros, and local luminaries like Fletcher Jones Jr (owner of Fletcher Jones Motorcars) and the Segerstrom family (owners of South Coast Plaza).

In the early 20th century, lots in Newport Harbor were selling for $75. Amenities such as electricity, paved streets, sewers, streetlights and water were lacking and roads to the area were largely undeveloped. Basically, you were buying the right to live on a mud flat at a three-hour drive from civilization, so even at $75, sales were slow.

The sellers then placed a coupon offer in Sunset magazine: buy a two-year subscription to Sunset and get $25 off the price of a lot. So — $50 instead of $75.

I wish someone in my family tree had had the foresight to buy one because you couldn’t get a bayfront lot today for less than about $10 million. Not a house — that’s just for the lot.


The Meaning of Life

2 Aug 2011 /

LUCY: You know what your trouble is, Charlie Brown? The whole trouble with you is you don’t understand the meaning of life.

CHARLIE BROWN: Do you understand the meaning of life?

LUCY: We’re not talking about me, we’re talking about you.

— Charles Schulz

Play Ball

25 May 2011 /

Peanuts comic


Losing Pitchers

5 Aug 2010 /

Peanuts comic


Happiness

28 May 2010 /

Peanuts comic


A Life of Ease

19 Feb 2010 /

Peanuts


I Got an A on My Report Card

11 Nov 2009 /

Peanuts comic


Ups and Downs

13 Oct 2009 /

Peanuts comic


Reduce Your Worries

22 Aug 2009 /

Peanuts comic


Good Advice

21 Jul 2009 /

Peanuts comic