EppsNet Archive: Daughters

How I Married My Mother

Oklahoma mom who once married her son will now go to jail for marrying her daughter — Fort Worth Star-Telegram Mom is being jailed for felony incest. I think we can all agree that marrying the son was a wrong thing to do, but I thought incest requires sexual intercourse. The two women are adults, there’s no child abuse, there are no reproductive issues to consider, so if you happen to hit it off with your mom in that way, why not? Look, they even have matching outfits! Read more →

To the Daughter I Never Had

Take control of your own impulses, conflicts and disappointments. Don’t forfeit your freedom and independence in exchange for intrusion into and adjudication of your private life and penalizing of men who did something you didn’t like. Also: Dress appropriately. Maintain some mystique and intrigue. Don’t feel like you have to link up with another person until you’ve got some idea about what you want from life. Love, Dad Read more →

Debbie Reynolds, 1932-2016

Did Debbie Reynolds Die of a Broken Heart? — The New York Times Debbie Reynolds died one day after her daughter, Carrie Fisher. Correlation doesn’t imply causation blah blah blah but outliving a child must be an unbearable tragedy . . . RIP Debbie Reynolds Read more →

Carrie Fisher, 1956-2016

She died from complications of cardiac arrest. Her mother, Debbie Reynolds, is 84 years old and still alive. If I believed in God, I would pray to him that I do not outlive my child . . . My main, and perhaps only, contribution in life is raising a son who surpasses me on every conceivable metric, so that when I’m gone and he’s still here, the world will be a better place. RIP Carrie Fisher Update: Debbie Reynolds died the following day. Read more →

For My Daughter

When I die choose a star and name it after me that you may know I have not abandoned or forgotten you. You were such a star to me, following you through birth and childhood, my hand in your hand. When I die choose a star and name it after me so that I may shine down on you, until you join me in darkness and silence together. — David Ignatow, “For My Daughter” Read more →

The Twenty-Six Malignant Gates

“Do not ride your bicycle around the corner,” the mother had told the daughter when she was seven. “Why not!” protested the girl. “Because then I cannot see you and you will fall down and cry and I will not hear you.” “How do you know I’ll fall?” whined the girl. “It is in a book, The Twenty-Six Malignant Gates, all the bad things that can happen to you outside the protection of this house.” “I don’t believe you. Let me see the book.” “It is written in Chinese. You cannot understand it. That is why you must listen to me.” “What are they, then?” the girl demanded. “Tell me the twenty-six bad things.” But the mother sat knitting in silence. “What twenty-six!” shouted the girl. The mother still did not answer her. “You can’t tell me anything because you don’t know! You don’t know anything!” And the girl ran… Read more →

Bad Dad’s College Advice

HIM: You look sad this morning. What’s the matter? HER: Oh, my son left for college yesterday, and I just really miss him. HIM: Let me share something with you. When my daughter went off to school, I gave her one very important piece of advice. HER: Really? What was that? HIM: Don’t get photographed sucking a dick. HER: Hmmm. That sounds like great advice for your daughter, but it wouldn’t have any value for my son. HIM: That’s not what I’ve heard. Read more →