EppsNet Archive: Halloween

Things to Do With an Amputated Limb

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I saw a guy in a men’s room today, on his way out, checking himself in the mirror and making a gesture with his hand like he was adjusting his hair, except he was totally bald. Some people, after having a limb amputated, can feel the limb as if it were still there. Does this also happen with hair? If you have a limb amputated, do you get to take it home with you? I’d like to stick my amputated arm up my sleeve and shake hands with people. Think of how great that would be on Halloween: “Have some candy, kid. AAAAAAHHHHHHH! MY ARM!” Read more →

My Answer to Creepy-Clown Hysteria

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Target halts clown-mask sales amid creepy-clown hysteria — Chicago Tribune Anybody surprises me with a disguise, it’s shoot first, ask questions later. Except “Is it Halloween?” … I ask that question first. All other questions, later. Read more →

Teaching Computer Science: No School Before Thanksgiving

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There was no school today because a lot of kids don’t like to show up the day before Thanksgiving, so the district decided not to have classes on the day before Thanksgiving. Once they get used to having Wednesday off, they won’t show up on Tuesday and we’ll have to give them Tuesday off. Then of course there’s no sense in having a one-day school week so we’ll give them the whole week off. And since they’re already off on Veterans Day and the day after Halloween, let’s just give them the whole month of November off. I’m concerned that American education is getting worse faster than we can lower our standards. Read more →

Teaching Computer Science: No School After Halloween

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There was no school yesterday because the Newport-Mesa Unified School District at some time in the past noticed that a lot of kids didn’t show up the day after Halloween, so they decided not to have classes on the day after Halloween. Evidently this applies even if Halloween is on a Friday, followed by two weekend days plus an extra hour on the time change. Kids still need that extra day to get ready for academics again. Some time ago, I saw a news story about kids in Indonesia who had to cross a river via a rope suspension bridge to get to school. Then the bridge partially collapsed so it looked like the photo on the right. And of course the kids are determined to get an education so they’re all basically climbing their way across the river and back every day. If the bridge collapsed completely, they’d probably… Read more →

As Bad as the Real Obama

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We had a big batch of trick-or-treaters show up at one time last night, about 9 kids age 12 and under. “Who are you?” I asked the first kid. “The Hulk.” I gave him some candy. “Who are you?” I asked the second kid. “Thor.” I gave him some candy. “Who are you?” I asked the third kid. “Obama.” He showed me a wadded-up Obama mask in his hand. I didn’t give him any candy. “Put the mask on,” I said. “I don’t want to. I can’t see.” Meanwhile, the other kids kept coming to the front and announcing their costumes . . . “Superman.” “Batgirl.” “Pink lady from Grease.” “I’m John Cena.” “Witch.” “Minnie.” They all got candy. Finally no one was left but me and Obama. “Who are you?” I asked. “Obama!” “Put the mask on.” “Come on!” “You’re not doing your job. Geez, you’re as bad as… Read more →

Twitter: 2010-11-02

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RT @OnSluts: Monday Affirmation: I made it through Halloween without losing my teeth or my self respect. Well, kind of. # Read more →

Twitter: 2009-10-28

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RT @Aimee_B_Loved: BRAINS! BRAAAAAAAINS! BRAAA– I'm just kidding. I'll have a tall skinny vanilla latte, thanks. # Read more →

Twitter: 2009-09-17

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Best practices premised on good results in the long-term but ppl R rewarded based on the results they got last quarter. http://bit.ly/aH7Vt # RT @OCWeekly: Halloween plans for Disneyland: New fireworks show, SPACE MOUNTAIN GHOST GALAXY + more – http://bit.ly/26pBZ1 # RT @GettyMuseum: Monkeys wearing hats? Green strawberries? Explore imaginative world of marginalia http://bit.ly/pHFh9 Check out interactive # Signed up for a free shot at work. They tried to stick a *needle* in me. # Jimmy Carter says criticism of Kanye is racially motivated… # Read more →

Microblog: 2009-04-13

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RT @TheFatJew: My best halloween costume ever i went as a dial-up modem. People would ask me questions and i’d take a full minute to respond # Read more →

Halloween 2007

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My son put on a cap, a pair of sunglasses, hung a clock around his neck, and went trick-or-treating with his friends as Flavor Flav. I can’t imagine anyone in Irvine is going to be able to figure that one out. Postscript “One woman asked me, ‘Are you supposed to be Flavor Flav?’” he says. “What was her ethnicity?” I ask him. “White.” OK, I stand corrected. Read more →

The Dog Clairvoyant

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I can tell what dogs are thinking by reading their facial expressions. This dog, for example, belongs to a friend’s sister. As you can see, they bought a pumpkin costume and put it on the dog. She is thinking, “If I was bigger, I would kill these people.” Read more →

Secret Griefs and Fears

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The joys of parents are secret, and so are their griefs and fears. — Francis Bacon, “Of Parents and Children” Our son turned 12 in July . . . “I almost cried today,” my wife says. “Every year, I take Casey to the pumpkin patch and I take the best photo, but when we drove by today, he didn’t want to go . . .” Read more →

Happy Halloween

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I look forward to taking my son out trick-or-treating every year. I have lots of Halloween memories, mostly happy, some sad . . . One year — he was in kindergarten or 1st grade, I can’t remember which — I took him out and he was so excited, running from house to house . . . As he was running back from one house, he slipped and fell right in front of a group of older kids. They were very nice, helped him up, asked if he was okay, which he was, but it really demoralized him. A couple of houses later, he said he wanted to go home. I asked him if he felt bad about falling down in front of everybody and he said no, he was just tired and wanted to go home. So I took him home. He’s 11 now and tonight he and his friends… Read more →

Trick or Treat

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In a last minute switcheroo, my wife decided to stay home and hand out candy while I went trick-or-treating with the kids. I had six kids in my group: four 10-year-old boys — a mummy (my kid), two ninjas, and an evil baseball catcher — plus a hyperactive 6-year-old cheerleader and a 5-year-old Blue’s Clues girl. The cheerleader was a dynamo — the first kid to every door — and if it wasn’t opened promptly, she’d run around looking in the windows to see what was the holdup. The evil baseball catcher — wearing a chest protector, shin guards and a skull mask — approached every house by taking a running start and sliding up to the door on his shin guards, scaring women, small children and pretty much everyone else, because no one expected him to do that, and because it looked like he’d fallen and given himself a… Read more →