I like to wrap up my visits to Souplantation with a serving of frozen yogurt but I can’t today because the yogurt machine is out of service.
My son is unsympathetic. “If you want yogurt,” he says, “you go to Yogurtland. If you want soup and plants, you come to Souplantation.”
And I know a father who had a son
He longed to tell him all the reasons for the things he’d done
This story needs a quick setup . . .
My son’s two-year-old birthday party was a festive event. The whole neighborhood was there!
We had a bounce house, a clown . . . the only thing that marred the day slightly was that as everyone sang “Happy Birthday,” his mom lifted him up so he could see the cake, and he stuck his finger out and touched a lit candle.
It wasn’t a bad burn but he did cry for a while.
We have a video of this. That’s why he remembers it.
So — we’re having a late lunch today at Souplantation. A kid who looks about four years old runs down the aisle, turns the corner and runs back up the next aisle over.
I ask, “Why is it a good idea as a parent to let your kid run through restaurants?”
My son, totally off topic, says, “Why is it a good idea to let your kid stick his finger in a candle?”
I say, “I don’t know. You didn’t do it again though, did you?”
His mom says, “Maybe you shouldn’t have a birthday party at all if you want to complain about it.”
“A two-year-old shouldn’t have a birthday party?!” he asks in disbelief.
I say, “Mom makes a good point, if you’re just going to stick your finger in a candle and ruin it for everybody.”
I took my boy to Souplantation for dinner after his hockey game. An Indian kid in the line across from us was wearing a t-shirt with a gorilla on it.
“That Indian guy has a cool shirt,” my son said. “I’d rock that.”
“I’d sport that,” he said.
“I’d don that,” he said.
“I’d . . .”
“I get it. Now shut up so I can focus on my salad.”
We went to Souplantation for dinner tonight. I was really hungry but when we got there, there was already a line of people at the salad bar.
I hate when that happens.
Let me tell you what I did: I grabbed a tray and came in swinging, cracked a few people in the cranium, then finished them off with a serrated-edge knife from the silverware station.
It’s a crude plan, but let me tell you why it works: the element of surprise. No one goes to Souplantation expecting to be knocked over the head and stabbed . . .
Souplantation is our favorite family restaurant, but it really does give me the creeps watching fat people at all-you-can-eat buffets.
Tonight there’s a fat guy plodding through the bakery section, loading up on pizza, muffins, etc. He takes one of everything, except the things he takes two of. An obese woman decides that the bowls provided at the dessert bar aren’t big enough, so she brings over a soup tureen and loads it up with frozen yogurt, before slathering on the chocolate chips, peanuts and syrup.
Have you ever wondered why fat people are fat? Neither have I. But for everyone who’s ever said, “I don’t know why I can’t lose weight,” it’s because you’re eating everything that’s not nailed down.
