I Think Trees are Overrated


My son and I are watching Monday Night Football when an ad comes on in which every somber, sallow-faced environmentalist in the state is telling me to vote No on Proposition 7.

I say to the boy, “You know, I don’t even know what Proposition 7 is, but if all of these sanctimonious pricks are against it, then I’m for it. GO HUMP A TREE, YOU PUSSIES!”

The dog, who, unlike other members of the family, loves to hear the sound of my voice, jumps up on the sofa and starts licking my face.

“That’s right, pup. Lightning says he doesn’t care about trees either, except that he likes to pee on them.”

My son sighs and says, “We need trees” — very slowly, like he’s talking to an idiot.

“Oh . . . well in that case, put me down as Undecided.”

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